International Women's Day

 I was thinking this morning about women who have inspired me. I've blogged before about the Finnish women that I knew growing up who definitely inspired me. Then there are the women I admire from afar. I don't really know them, but I admire their ideas or their character or their strength. There are also the women I admire for one particular quality or another, but I don't admire them overall. 

As I reflected on who I admire most, I came to the conclusion that it is my friend Serene. It's one thing to admire someone from afar, when you don't really know them. It's something entirely different to admire someone who you know from close up, someone who is in fact your best friend. I can't get into all the reasons I admire her because it would require divulging information about her life. But, it's enough to say that she is a woman of God. She is strong and beautiful and smart. She is true and honest and faithful. She aspires to be closer to God and then does things to actually get her there. She doesn't just talk the talk as they say, she walks the walk. 

So, on this international women's day, I am so grateful for this friend of mine who inspires me, but also chooses to call me friend.

 There is so much beauty in the world if you care to look for it and now, more than ever, we need to find and pause to appreciate the lovely. What better time than the spring, especially a spring on the heels of a year of COVID? Spring is such a hopeful time. There is so much new life and so many signs big and small of renewal. There are tiny green leaves on trees and crocuses and snowdrops and birds. As I walked from my car to the school today, I noticed the purple heather and the bright yellow daffodils that had popped up near the front door of the school. It was a bright sunny day and the students were outside laughing, with no jackets. It set the mood for the whole day.

One place that always makes my day is the forest. It's where I have found the most peaceful beauty in the last year. Moss covered trees and ferns and trails and woodpeckers and quietly babbling brooks. Sunlight breaking in through the trees and mushrooms and smiling (maskless) faces. Laughter and good conversation and quiet moments of just being together with my friend. Recently I learned a new term called forest bathing, or shinrin yoku in Japanese. Apparently there are health benefits associated with walking in nature and being near trees. I'm not surprised. If there is one thing that has consistently brought me moments of joy, it has been walks in the forest with my friend. I am so blessed that I have been able to meet with her for walks; I'm pretty sure the walks and the friendship are what have kept me sane during this pandemic.  

Growth

My friend Mehj is wise and a lot smarter than me. She has given me sage advice more than once and she is probably the most thoughtful person I know. We became friends in grade 11 and have remained so for decades. One thing about her used to make me wonder though. She's a teacher too and I remember her often saying (usually in reference to her then boyfriend) that she was not here to facilitate anyone's growth. I would laugh, but wonder how she could say that, especially as a teacher. Isn't our main purpose to facilitate the growth of others? I finally get it all these years later.
In the last few years, there have been some people in my life that I have felt called to mentor or guide. For some reason they have looked to me to guide and/or support them in their faith journey. I have tried my best. Unfortunately, it turns out I can't change anyone. I am not in charge of or responsible for what lessons others are here to learn, or not learn as the case may be. I am happy to share what I have learned. I love a good discussion. I will encourage you, point you to resources, send you links, pray for you and answer your questions. But I won't hold your hand. And I won't spoon feed you. Ultimately, the work is up to you. And if I notice that you are not actually following any of my advice, even though I know you know it's the right thing. Or if I notice that you are depending on me to the extent that you are not putting in any effort yourself, I will stop trying. I can't carry the burden of your growth on my shoulders. This may sound harsh, but I can't grow on your behalf. This has actually been a very hard lesson for me because I care about the spiritual growth of my friends. A lot. But there have been too many friends in my life who have done nothing to grow spiritually. We have had discussions, they know the importance of community and prayer and Bible study. We have agreed on what needs to change and yet they have done nothing. I have gotten frustrated with them, angry even. But at the end of the day, you have to want to change. You can know all the right things to do and not do them. And that's on you. For me, I want each day to bring me closer to the person that I want to become. It's that simple.

Lament

 I was telling my best friend something about my dad the other day and I started crying. Again. She has seen me cry a lot in the last year. It has been over 14 months since my dad died and even though I am no longer completely bereft, the underlying grief is always there. Not once has my friend rolled her eyes or said anything that wasn't supportive. She hasn't told me to cheer up or asked why am I STILL crying. But I find her patience and willingness to let me grieve unusual. 

Because the truth is that most people are uncomfortable with prolonged sadness or grief or illness or anything else negative. People want to hear how you overcame, how you healed, how you feel better now. Your grief, sadness, mourning, illness make them feel uncomfortable. At my father's memorial service, someone actually told my mom to cheer up and not cry. I want to think that the person was trying to be helpful, but she sure wasn't. Now that it's been over a year, people just assume my mom is over it. I mean, it must be easier, right? All the milestones have passed: first birthday, first Christmas, first Valentine's etc without my dad. And yes, in some ways it is easier. But in some ways it isn't and people do not want to hear that. They want to be assured that things get better, that time heals all wounds, that grieving is tidy and follows a one year schedule... blah blah blah. People are uncomfortable with lingering sadness that outlasts whatever time they deem appropriate.

People are also uncomfortable with prolonged (especially unexplained) illness. Pentti has been unwell for about 18 months. I blogged previously that he had cancer and I am so grateful that the cancer is gone. But, he has other issues related to his surgery and other health challenges. He had some tests done and they were inconclusive. So, he has to wait and have more tests. So when people ask me how he is, I don't know what to answer. Again, they want to hear that he's better and everything is great. But the truth is more complicated than that. 

 And that's where lament comes in. Lament allows for mourning what is, when we wish things were different. We don't always have to get over things. Life's troubles don't always have clear start and end dates. Things are messy and unclear and take longer than expected. We can get through things with prayer and lament, but we don't always get over them. Sometimes a time of prolonged sadness is exactly what we need. I think there is something profoundly beautiful in lamenting that we are frail and limited and broken. And it is from that place that we turn to God, to the resurrection of Easter, to the eternal hope of all things one day being made right. 

You Hold Me Up

I recently heard read a lovely children's book called You Hold Me Up. I decided to borrow the idea from the book and make my own list of things that hold me up. These are things that my friends have done that have held me up especially in the last year during the pandemic. I thought about listing specific people and what they've done, but changed my mind. If you know me well, you will recognize who some of the comments are about, and you may also recognize which ones are about you...

You hold me up when you...

-hug me

-sing to me

-hold my hand

-pray for me and with me

-say let's not wait too long to have that lunch

-have coffee waiting for me

-schedule me regularly into your life

-share food with me

-text: "I am so glad you are you"

-empathize

-ask me how my day was

-tell me I am beautiful

-allow me to be myself

-understand me

-message me

-send me (snail) mail

-laugh with me

-call me your friend

-cook for me

-listen to me

-send me funny memes

-encourage me

-smile

-put your arm through mine

-study and learn with me

-sit with me

-tell me what's on your heart

-use sayings that are ours only

-walk with me

-comfort me

-listen to me cry

-let me lean my head on your shoulder

-tell me you love me

You hold me up. I hold you up. We hold each other up.

Keys

 Awhile back, I came across an analogy of a key ring, with different friends holding different keys and different amounts of keys to who you are. The writer said, "I have friends that hold the keys to different doors of my personality".  I've been thinking about this analogy in light of the friendships in my life and which keys I have given to which people. Keeping in mind that all analogies fall apart at some point, here is what I have come up with.

Some people only get one key. Circumstance brings us together and they get that key, whether it's choir or Bible study or work. If the friendship grows, they get more keys as I share with them more than that one thing. But, most people just get the one. That means that when whatever brought us together ends, so does the friendship. It doesn't take away from the good times we had together, but the friend no longer has any keys. This is actually a helpful way for me to think about those friendships that have ended. I was initially really hurt by one such friendship that has completely faded into the distance. But reflecting on what we shared, it makes sense that there is just nothing there anymore. We spent a lot of time together. We had fun. But it was all centred around this one key. I couldn't give her the key to my sense of humour because she doesn't understand it. I couldn't give her the key to spiritual discussions because she wasn't interested. She could only open one door to my personality/life and now that key doesn't exist anymore.

Some people get keys by default. My family knows my history and we have a lot of shared memories. They will be in my life forever, no matter what, so they automatically get a key. But even within family, there are certain family members who I would also consider very close friends. They have a lot more keys than those for which family/history is the only key. Pentti obviously gets a lot of keys because I spend the most time with him. We have built a whole life together, so he has had a major influence on which keys even exist in the first place: our kids, my career, our home etc. But, to quote the same article, "it's ok if our spouses don't have every key. How could they? It isn't a failure if they don't open every single door of who you are". Anyway, he's a guy and there are just some keys he is better off not having and he'd be the first to tell you so.

My closest friends need to have certain keys. If you don't understand my sarcasm, my dark humour, my introvertedness and my desire for God, then it is not possible for you to be a close friend. These things are non-negotiable. Without these things, I can't actually be myself. If I can't be myself, then why would I let you into my inner circle? On a side note, I am tired right now. Tired of COVID, tired of no church, tired of zoom, tired of people. I am unwilling to make time for people who don't have multiple keys. If I have to explain myself to you, if I have to work too hard to have a conversation with you, it's just not going to happen right now. Sorry; I am exhausted. But, I digress...

My best friend has all the keys. I think sometimes she wishes she didn't, haha. She doesn't necessarily understand some of the things I share with her. I think sometimes she looks at a key I have handed her and tries to give it back....lol. We are after all, two very different people. She hates shopping and doesn't get that part of me at all. Our cultures are quite different and not something that we really talk about much. But, I have chosen to give her all the keys because she is my best friend. I want to share everything with her because she is my person. I don't expect her to know what to do with all the keys, but I give them to her anyway. 

one year later...

How have I managed to live for a year without my dad? Honestly, I don't know. Losing him was the biggest loss of my life. Yes, I have many things to be grateful for, but today, on the anniversary of his death, I am just tired. Bone deep exhausted and sad. I started to write a list of things I'm grateful for and I just didn't want to. The void in my life is deep and wide and sometimes I think it is good to remain in the sadness. Not try to brush it all under the carpet or look for silver linings.

My dad was a big part of my life, the void he left behind is huge. My brother Henry said it well when he wrote that a heart is filled with people of different sizes; those of great character and strength take up the most space. My dad was by far the most influential person in my life and took up a lot of space in my heart. He loved me. He was proud of me. He was a rock of support. He was an exemplary model of a good Christian, parent and spouse. The depth of my sadness is no wonder when I consider how much I loved him.

So, even though I wasn't planning to be grateful, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude. I had the absolute best dad and that's what makes saying goodbye so hard. How blessed am I to have had such a father.