Apparently today is World Mental Health day and I am counting my blessings. I am in my happy place at our family cabin in Hope. It's a cold and rainy October day, but we are in the warm cozy cabin stocked up with coffee and pumpkin pie and books and board games and a fireplace and no agenda. We woke up late and have lazed around. Pentti made a fire outside and we made s'mores. We watched some football and picked up lattes from Starbucks. I am so thankful that we can come here to get away and at least partially forget all the craziness of life. What a joy.

The last two years have been awful: cancer and COVID. As if those weren't bad enough, I have also lost some friends. Some were easier to lose than others, but it always comes with a certain bit of sadness to realize that someone is no longer part of your life. But the ones who remain are truer than true and they make all the difference. Because I see people around me who don't have close friends and they are starting to fray at the edges. People who have always been stable and calm have started to crack. No one can make it alone, especially not now. And so I am so thankful to those people who have kept me sane. The friend who has prayed with me and held me while I cried. The friend who has gone for walks with me and allowed me to be myself. The friend who has had me over to vent over a glass of wine. I love my family, but it is my friends that have kept me going. They have made all the difference in my mental health.

Seeing the beautiful

It's the colours of fall and crisp air and cardigans and scarves. It's walking at the beach and sitting on a log listening to the water. It's singing my favourite hymn in church. It's unexpected flowers on my path. My best friend laughing. It's holding a newborn baby. It's sitting on my friend's sofa watching Downton Abbey. It's loving teaching and having students who are thrilled to see me. It's grilled cheese and soup. Reading a good book. It's having a good, deep conversation. It's a moment that feels right even when other things don't.

Enough

Are you enough? Our self help narcissistic culture certainly seems to think so. You need to find peace and worth from within. You should tell yourself how wonderful and beautiful and worthy you are and then live accordingly. This works in the short term: I am enough, no one can make me feel less than. But what happens when the fuzzy feelings wear off? When you don't meet your own standards of what is good. When deep down, despite the positive self-talk, you actually think that you aren't enough. Should you just try harder? Reinforce your worthiness and think happy thoughts? Thinking you can somehow convince yourself you're enough if you try harder is actually part of the toxic self-help culture. Its all on you. You're failing at making yourself feel good about yourself, you're failing at feeling worthy. You should be stronger, more resilient, less impacted by what others think...blah blah blah...But you aren't enough, and you know it. Despite your very best efforts, you are not the person you wish you were. The good news is there is an answer and it doesn't come from looking within and squeezing more positivity out of yourself. 

The answer is God. He makes you enough, because in yourself, you actually are not capable of being enough. And without Jesus you never will be. This sounds like bad news, a spiral of shame and low self esteem waiting to happen. But, it's actually the exact opposite. It's not on you; the answer does not lie within yourself at all. You can stop trying so hard and pulling yourself up again and again by your bootstraps. You can stop beating yourself up for failing again, for being insecure again, for questioning your own worth again. The answer is not within, it is completely outside yourself. God. He loved you and knew you before the foundation of the Earth. Think about that. He is the Creator of the entire universe and He wants a relationship with you. And He wants that relationship despite knowing EVERYTHING about you. These may sound like Christian cliches, but when you really stop to think about them, they are profoundly true and beautiful. In Christ, you are enough and nothing you do will ever change that. 

"God gives you grace and you can't earn it

Don't think that you're not worth it

Because you are

He gave you His love and He's not leaving

Gave you His Son so you'd believe it

You're lovely even with your scars"

(from Don't Try So Hard by Amy Grant)

Laugh and celebrate and eat pizza

"Sometimes, celebrating, enjoying, and laughing seem almost inappropriate in a world as broken as ours. We look around and see panic on the faces of everyone we see. Tragedies become ordinary. How, in good conscience, can we laugh and celebrate and eat pizza? I believe we must celebrate-because our celebration is one the most effective weapons we have against the darkness of our day. It is taking the time to document the sweet memories, traditions, stories made together." Sally Clarkson

The last couple of months have been full of celebrations. Not elaborate parties or expensive trips or anything "grand", but celebrations nonetheless. I have gone to Hope three times, which is my happy place. The moment we turn off the highway, I breathe a little deeper. Two of those trips were with a friend and were the best therapy I could ever get. We did all the same things we always do, except we did a lot more walking along the beautiful tunnels and we binge watched The Chosen. I loved every second. The third trip was with my sister and her kids, Emmi and my mom. Granted, that trip was a little less relaxing than a girls weekend, but it was so great to chat with my sister and for Emmi to play with her cousins.

I have actually seen my extended family three times this summer. I didn't see most of them at all for over a year, which it turns out was long enough to miss them, lol. We had a get together at my brother's, one here for Emmi's birthday and one for my two nephews. They were casual and there was lots of food. But more importantly, it was just so nice to sit around and laugh and talk and catch up.

I have also caught up with some of my friends that I haven't seen very much, if at all, in the last year. The joy of laughing and talking and spending time together reminds me I am not alone and there are lots of good people in my life. I may have forgotten that all those times when I was sitting at home on my couch in the last year.

Because as it turns out, I've also had a lot of anxiety the last few months. I am not sure if it's always been there under the surface and COVID brought it to out, or if the events of the last year and a half have brought it on as something new. Either way, I have been anxious about a lot of things. And unfortunately, a pandemic allows for lots of extra time to reflect and sit around thinking. I also tend to be an overthinker and a pessimist; it is not hard for me to get caught in a spiral of negative thinking that is most unhelpful. So, there have been a lot of dark days. But there has also been a lot of soul searching about things I want to change and what really matters, so it's not a total wash.

And that brings me back to the opening quote. I have blogged previously about how I try to search for beauty and joy in every day. But, I am also making a deliberate effort to "laugh and celebrate and eat pizza" because it really does pull me out of the darkness. I have also gotten even more selective about who I spend time with. I have a limited amount of time and although there are lots of lovely people I would normally have coffee with, I just haven't had it in me to get together. Hopefully if things ever return to normal, I will catch up with those friends too. But for now, I am choosing to feed my soul and keep my circle very, very small.

Church!!

Yesterday fed my soul. Churches were allowed to reopen for worship for the first time since November. We went together as a family and it felt so normal, but also holy and sacred. Honestly, I have loved getting up for church for the last five years every single Sunday. It's a joy. But, I have to admit, that not having been able to attend for almost seven months made it that much more special. 

No the church is not a building. Yes, we did online church faithfully every week. Yes, we also attended community group online. But, being together with my people in that beloved building was beautiful. Hearing the preaching live. Taking communion together. Seeing some of my friends. So, although church is not a building, I won't pretend that gathering together physically doesn't matter because it does. Even with all the restrictions, being together beats online every time. I pray that we're able to continue. 

Re-enchant

"They say we live in a 'disenchanted' world. But that narrative dissolves the moment we stare at the stars, walk with fireflies and shout with the thunder. Re-enchant the world today with joys gained from simple beauties." I love this quote so much. It encapsulates what I have been trying to do with looking for joy and beauty in the everyday.

On Saturday, we found a lot of little joys; the forest, bright green leaves, birds singing, sunshine, coffee, the beach. Time with my friend always fills me up. But the image that stuck with me was of her sitting on a garden bench eating ice cream and swinging her legs in the sunshine. I mean, who doesn't get joy from ice cream, but it was such a beautiful carefree moment of pure, unadulterated happiness. It still makes me smile.

Question: part two

If you read my earlier post about questioning, you'd know that I always question things. You cannot be discerning if you don't ask questions. I still believe this wholeheartedly. But I have a small problem. I came across someone else's writing about questions from the same writing challenge that I did last week. And she said, "when question everything becomes a stand-in for 'trust no one', it turns inward on itself". Oh dear. You see, I have a really, really hard time trusting people. So, even though I stand by my belief that questions are good, perhaps I need to re-evaluate. If questioning everything and everyone does indeed lead to trusting no one, then that leads to a quagmire of doubt that is really hard to climb out of. You can't live your life not trusting anyone. So, perhaps questions need to be limited after someone has proven that they can in fact be trusted. At some point you have to take some degree of risk and just decide to trust someone.

I do have a friend that I trust. She has never been anything but trustworthy. She has told me that our friendship is unconditional. This actually really shocked me when she said it. I had always considered friendships to be conditional. That we'd be friends, but then if it stopped being fun or convenient or easy, the friendship would end. Not so with this particular friend. We've talked about being committed to the friendship. Sometimes there is friction or misunderstanding or annoyance. But we have discussed the fact that we will work through whatever comes, that we will talk about it. We have recognized that a close friendship can sometimes be a lot of work. But we are determined to remain friends. 

But getting back to questioning....if you asked her whether I've ever questioned her, or doubted her or been wary, she'd have to tell you that I have. And that's really terrible. She is my closest friend. She has never been anything besides true and honest and trustworthy. She is the one friend that I am sure of.

And there you have it. Questioning is a good thing. But, so is trust. So, once again, as with everything else in life, there needs to be a balance.