Resolutions

I have mixed feelings about making resolutions; I think I've blogged about it before. Usually their biggest downside is that they aren't kept. By February or March I have often forgotten what my resolution was supposed to be. This past year, I didn't make any resolutions exactly, but I did decide to see more concerts. I love good music; it truly feeds my soul. A good concert is the best escape I know from my life and my problems. So, I made a conscious decision to attend more concerts and for once, I have kept my promise. I have been to the following in 2019:

-Lauren Daigle
-The Tenors
-Pentatonix
-Chris Tomlin
-For King And Country
-Brian Doerksen
-Itzhak Perlman
-Andrea Bocelli
-Sheku Kanneh-Mason
-the VOS choir
-the Messiah
-The Good Noise Vancouver Gospel Choir
-four different shows at Frankie's Jazz Club

Most of the concerts have been fantastic. The only two I would not see again are Itzhak Perlman because he was so expensive and the Messiah because frankly, I think it's overrated and too long. In the past few months since my dad's cancer diagnosis I have attended quite a few concerts and they have provided a total escape while at the same time filling me up. Brian Doerksen's concert was the release of his Christmas cd and I am pretty sure that he performed all the songs from the album. I loved every minute. The music was good, he had a band and a string orchestra. He had great guests artists sing duets with him. And I got to spend time with Dee; we had a lovely dinner together before the concert.
Attending the Good Noise Christmas concert was exactly the therapy that I needed the week that my dad died. First of all the venue (Christ Church Cathedral) is stunning. Second, I have friends in the choir and seeing them and their joy in singing was infectious. Finally, the music transported me somewhere else. I was able to forget my sorrow. I actually thought twice about attending though, because I wondered what people would think. Would they think I was cold and heartless to attend a concert 3 days after my dad died? But then I decided they could think whatever they wanted. Music is healing for me like nothing else. It was also healing for my father and there were many times during his illness that he asked for music. My dad would totally have understood why a concert was in fact exactly what I needed. So, I went to the concert and it was perfect. I may have cried during one song, but who cares!? Thank God for the gift of music.

My Dad- part two

What is a legacy? When you look it up, the first definitions that pop up tend to be about money and property. But lately, I have been thinking about less tangible legacies, like love and respect and faith and hard work. I was visiting my dad in the hospital and telling him about what kind of legacy he will one day leave behind. How his example and teachings have profoundly impacted his kids. I told him that if he is proud of us (which I know he is), then he can thank himself, as well as my mom and God. 

My dad taught us to work hard. He enjoyed his work, but it wasn't always easy. I remember many mornings finding him sitting on the edge of his bed trying to work up the energy to get his day started (none of us are morning people...at all!!). But, he always went. I don't remember him ever taking a day to slack off. He took pride in his work. He taught us that you spend most of your days at work, so you should enjoy what you are doing. 
My dad has a servant's heart; he is always willing to help others with whatever skills he has. He is really handy, so he would often get calls about fridges or vacuums or other things not working. About plugged sinks and broken garburators. He always went because he likes to help people. His attitude has always been that if he can help, why wouldn't he? He rarely thinks about his own convenience or what it will cost him in terms of time or effort to help someone in need. If helping people also saves them money, then that's a win win in his book.

My dad taught us to be authentic before it was a buzz word. He is exactly the same man in every situation and place. In fact, I am positive that the people who honor and respect him the most are his five kids and his wife and that says something about a man's authenticity. My dad's word is true and he instilled in us the value of honesty, integrity and what's right. I know there are times when my dad spoke the truth when it was not personally advantageous to him, but there was no question that he would do anything other than say it like it is.

My dad taught us the value of faith. The greatest way that he taught us this is by living it and being faithful. My dad is not really a man of many words, but get him going on a theological discussion and he has lots to say, lol. But his theology is not just words or philosophies; he lives out his faith in his every day life. His whole life is about living out what he believes, whether at home or at work or at church. His faith permeates every area of his life.
My dad taught us to own up to our mistakes and shortcomings. He told us openly about things he's learned the hard way so that we could avoid some of the mistakes that he has made. At church, both my parents were open about problems their kids were having where other families would pretend that everything was perfect. Their openness has encouraged us to be real and allow others in when we are struggling.

My dad taught us through his example that you are never too old to learn something new. He started playing ice hockey when he turned 50 and continued playing right up until this past June. He also started playing golf in his 70s and would go twice a day to the putting green at their place in Florida. 

My dad taught us to know what we are talking about. He does not suffer fools gladly. One should be well read and informed. One should engage in discussion and politics and news. If you have an opinion, it better be based on something other than feelings and you should be able to argue your point well. My dad loves a lively discussion and we have had a lot of those in our family over the years. We don't all always agree, but I think it is such richness that we have openly discussed so many things and debated and argued.
The engineer in my dad taught us to appreciate things that are well made and stand the test of time. He has no patience for things that break or fall apart or are poorly designed. Whether it has been building a green house, planting a garden, building a sauna or remodelling a kitchen, my dad has always focused on being cost-efficient, but never at the expense of quality. Things need to last. I think this is part of his inherited Finnish work ethic. If you can do something well once, that is always better than doing something quickly and cheaply if you have to keep fixing it later.
My dad taught us about commitment. If you sign up for something, you commit to it, whether it's music lessons or sports or attending church. Even if things aren't going well. Even if it's hard or you are discouraged. If you started, you need to finish and you need to finish well. 
My dad taught us all this and so much more. But, when I say he taught us, I don't mean that he sat us down and told us. I don't remember him ever quoting Bible verses to me in order to teach me how to live out my faith. Sometimes, he would guide or teach with words, but more often than not, it was through his actions that he taught us. He lived all these things, day in and day out. They are who he is and have influenced and guided who we have become as a result. 

Hugging

I am not a hugger. Anyone who knows me knows that I require a lot of personal space. I have been known to cringe (subconsciously) when someone I don't know very well tries to hug me. I don't generally let people get close emotionally or physically. In the past I have been called cold and distant. And yet, I find myself changing. Is this growth? I don't know, but it sure is uncomfortable at times.
Being open with my feelings is new. A few friendships in the last few months have forced me way out of my comfort zone and it kind of freaks me out. One friend in particular has brought my soft squishy side out in full force. I have been very open with my thoughts and my feelings and in record time. Recently, when she made the word "hugger" on a word game she was playing, she screenshotted it to me because it reminded her of me. What?! ME?? She told me that she has never been hugged so much in her life (as she has by me). This is so weird and totally out of character. But I've started to wonder, is God calling me out of my comfort zone in order to love people? Most people have been hurt at some time or another. Lots of people are introverted. Some people find it hard to trust. And yet, God calls us to love and to be known for our love. It's hard to show that love from behind thick walls and barricades. Hmmm.
I find it interesting that I ended up teaching kindergarten this year. It was not really by choice, it sort of just fell into my lap. Or did it? I don't believe in luck or happenstance. If God is calling me out of my reserved introvertedness, then what better way than to put me in kindergarten? My students are hugging me and holding my hand and attached to my legs all the time. The other day, multiple students spontaneously blurted out "I love you". Kids don't really understand personal space and having them hang all over me is sort of a gentle way for me to make my personal space boundaries smaller.
Back to my friend. She actually doesn't believe me that I have personal space issues. It's like God has placed certain friends into my life that have made me act out of character. I have been so drawn to them that I can't help but hug them and love them and be anything but soft and mushy. Part of me thinks it's funny. The other part of me worries that I am going to get hurt because my usual defences are way down. Where are my walls at? But, if this is God, which I believe it is, then it must be for my best.

Serene

The first time I met her, we were at a (boring) admin meeting at BSF. She was sitting next to me but I had no idea who she was. Me being me, I made a joke and no one laughed. Except Serene. You have to understand that BSF people are so serious and sincere. I often say things just to rock the boat or to add humour, but sometimes that can go over like a lead balloon. That day, the joke was not well-received and I groaned (inside). The meeting continued and from some other comments, I gleaned that Serene was not as serious as the others. I also figured out that she thought for herself rather than simply agreeing with everything. This is not necessarily a good thing at BSF, but it's definitely a positive in my world.
The next week, after the leader's meeting, I went up to Serene, put my arm around her and said, I think we need to be friends. If you know me at all, this is COMPLETELY out of character. It's usually kids not adults that go up to each other and ask to be friends. But, I felt like I needed to do it. There are 68 leaders at the Monday meetings and I feel like most of them don't get me at all. I really like a lot of the ladies, but the friendships are quite superficial; they don't actually KNOW me. To find someone who thinks critically and has a sense of humour and doesn't worship at the altar of BSF is unusual. To find someone who also understands me and my dark, sarcastic comments is even more unusual.
I saw Serene on Mondays and some Tuesdays when the recording of the lecture was still being fine tuned. I got to know her: in person and through text. I discovered her wicked sense of humour. She made me laugh. A lot. I didn't have to censor myself around her; I told her exactly what I thought. Even when I didn't tell her what I thought, she would ask, "oh what were your thoughts? Dark ones?" I couldn't stop laughing; only someone who knows me well would think to ask that. 
And so despite the fact that I have only known her for a little over six weeks, I feel like I have always known Serene. Friends forever is such a cliche, but I can't imagine my life without her. We have gone for coffee and lunch and texted a lot. We seem to always have so much to talk about. I have hugged her more than any other friend possibly ever. I know we are similar in a lot of ways, and yet I can't quite explain this strong connection. But, I am sure that God put her in my life and perhaps that's all I need to know. At the end of the day, even if I make a list of all the reasons that I love Serene, does it fully explain why we're friends? We just are and will be forever, and that's a beautiful thing. I am so grateful.

Weekend In Hope

I spent last weekend in Hope with five girlfriends and we had the most amazing time. We ate, we talked, we sang, we played cards, we danced and we relaxed. We drove up in three cars and met at the Earl's in Chilliwack on Friday night for dinner. Apparently Elaine had been quiet and calm until I showed up. I find that hard to believe, but then again, I've never seen what she's like without me around, lol. After a great dinner, we headed to the cabin in Hope. We got settled in, decided on rooming arrangements and had some snacks. No one could bear to go to bed, so even the morning people stayed up fairly late.
I roomed with Lois. I've blogged about her before and how similar we are. It was a little creepy at times when we would have the exact same thought or reaction to something, lol. On Friday night after we'd all stayed up chatting, Lois and I were the last to go to bed at 12:30am. We were, however, still wide awake, so we proceeded to talk until 3am, lol. The next morning, we were also the last to get up. She is also like me in that once awake, she doesn't jump out of bed ready for the day. Instead, we would chat in our room even though we could hear the others downstairs. It was nice to have that time with just her since the rest of the time was filled with so much music and laughter and singing and joking. On Saturday night we were a little better and went to sleep at 2am, lol. Girls weekends are hardly the time to catch up on one's beauty sleep anyway, right?!
Elaine was definitely the wildest of the bunch. As soon as I put music on, she would start grooving; she couldn't help herself. But she also shared some painful stuff from her past which surprised me. There were some heavy conversations amid all the fun. Debra was perhaps the most touched by the weekend. She shared that she doesn't really have girlfriends and that she leads a very quiet life. This weekend was SUPER noisy and she loved it. She said afterward that now she knew what inclusion felt like. Winnie I've known the longest and we went in the sauna together and laughed a lot. She is so much fun! Her and I also drove together so we had time to chat, just the two of us. We even went for sushi on our trip home because clearly we weren't sick of each other yet. Marj could only stay for one night, but drove out by herself because she couldn't bear to miss the fun. She had made lasagna for our Saturday lunch and we had a lovely luncheon before she had to get going. Lois was funny and wise. She has had some hard stuff to deal with lately and I think (I know) this weekend was a great distraction and an opportunity to get away.
We had a lot of fun, but we also had a lot of deep discussions. We sang hymns. We read. We played games. I was completely myself and I am pretty sure that everyone else was too. That's so amazing and rare. Some went for walks and some went to sauna. Some woke up early and some slept in. Some drank wine and some didn't. I think everyone felt free to do as they pleased. There was no drama, no hurt feelings, no tension of any kind. I loved it. I've said it before, but these ladies are my tribe. I am never letting them go.

God's Mysterious Ways

God is at work all the time. We don't always see it and we often don't understand it. Sometimes things become clear, but often times we just have to accept that we don't know. Sometimes God leads us and although we don't know why, we know He is calling. All last year attending BSF in Burnaby as a member, I felt God calling me back to Ebenezer in Vancouver. I didn’t understand why, but I had a strong feeling that I should switch back to the Ebenezer class on Tuesdays and that I should return to leadership as well. I was hesitant because I really loved Susan as lecturer and I had made some great friends at the Burnaby class. Still, I felt like I needed to go back. At the end of BSF in May, we unexpectedly found out that Susan was being transferred to Vancouver and I felt like it was a sign from God that I should switch back. So, I asked to transfer back to Ebenezer.

I was fairly confident that I would get a phone call asking me to rejoin leadership. I had already felt God calling me and had already decided to say yes. But meanwhile, I had a problem. The job partner I was sharing with was wanting me to work on Mondays. Since she was in charge, I did not have any choice in what day I would be working. I was surprised and disappointed. I had thought God was calling me to leadership; I could feel it and yet it was now impossible. Maybe I wasn't called after all? I could just be a member. After discussion with the school board, I found out that Mondays were actually not allowed and I was in fact only allowed to work on Fridays. So, my work day became Friday and I felt like God was clearing a way for me to be in leadership after all.

So, I waited and after a few weeks, I got a call from Susan asking me to become a group leader. She asked me to pray about it, but when she called me back she had changed the question. She asked if I could be admin leader instead. She asked me to pray and she'd call me again after a few days. I hesitated. I was not familiar with what was involved in admin and I felt very uncomfortable. But as I thought and prayed about it, I clearly felt that I should say yes, trust God and serve wherever Susan asked me to. So, I said yes.

I believe God led me to Vancouver and to admin leadership and I think he may have multiple reasons for doing so. First, He is obviously calling me out of my comfort zone. I was very comfortable agreeing to be a group leader. I had no qualms about leading a group, but He called me to do hard, unfamiliar things and to trust Him instead. To stop relying on myself.

The other reason He called me to admin is Serene. I feel like Serene and I were meant to be friends. I am not sure exactly why, but I feel strongly that we need each other and God's timing is perfect. This is possibly the only year that this friendship is even possible. The North Shore site is a satellite this year, but may not be next year and definitely wasn't last year. With 68 leaders, there is no way I would have gotten to know Serene in any other way than through the smaller group within the admin team. I am not good with getting to know people and I already know quite a few of the leaders from before, so the last person I would expect to get to know would be someone from the North Shore. And yet, God. From the very first time I met Serene I felt a strong connection to her. This is very unusual since I am generally very slow to connect to new people. I usually have a very big personal space bubble and like to keep people at a distance. I am not very trusting or open. But, I trusted Serene from day one. She is hilarious and makes me laugh. She is sarcastic, doesn't follow rules and is an introvert. Good or bad, I am 100% myself around Serene and I feel like she “gets me”. Could she be any more perfect? 

So, from start to finish with transferring classes and having Mondays and Tuesdays off and being unexpectedly called to admin, God is at work and I am grateful. But if I've learned my lesson, can I go back to being a group leader now, lol?!

BSF

I am about to begin my 6th year in BSF and I am so excited! BSF has been one of the most life-changing things in my Christian walk. I have learned so much and I have made so many amazing friends. Yesterday, we had our leadership training session for all the leaders in the lower mainland. It was so good! Honestly, I was not thrilled with the 7am start and the thought of a 7 hour day of training made me groan. But, it was so worth it! There was worship and teaching and food and fellowship. There was so much fellowship! So much hugging and laughing and joy. It was like meeting up with long-lost family. I had thought that I would probably run into people I hadn't seen for awhile since I was switching back to the Vancouver class, but I was not prepared for the emotional reactions and the joy! There is something extra special about serving together that connects you like nothing else. I was so thrilled to see so many familiar faces. I hadn't really realized how much I had missed "my people" until I saw them again. Don't get me wrong, I loved being "just" a member for the last two years in Burnaby. I made some great friends and was able to fully absorb myself into the studies. But, it does not compare to the connection made with the Vancouver leaders. I spent two years in leadership with them, twice a week for 9 months a year. We had the leadership retreat together downtown one entire weekend, we met for coffee dates, we prayed together, we struggled with some of life's challenges together. They hold a special place in my heart and I am so happy and grateful to be reunited with them!!