How have I managed to live for a year without my dad? Honestly, I don't know. Losing him was the biggest loss of my life. Yes, I have many things to be grateful for, but today, on the anniversary of his death, I am just tired. Bone deep exhausted and sad. I started to write a list of things I'm grateful for and I just didn't want to. The void in my life is deep and wide and sometimes I think it is good to remain in the sadness. Not try to brush it all under the carpet or look for silver linings.
My dad was a big part of my life, the void he left behind is huge. My brother Henry said it well when he wrote that a heart is filled with people of different sizes; those of great character and strength take up the most space. My dad was by far the most influential person in my life and took up a lot of space in my heart. He loved me. He was proud of me. He was a rock of support. He was an exemplary model of a good Christian, parent and spouse. The depth of my sadness is no wonder when I consider how much I loved him.
So, even though I wasn't planning to be grateful, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude. I had the absolute best dad and that's what makes saying goodbye so hard. How blessed am I to have had such a father.
