Are you familiar with the phrase, "my person"? It comes from the tv show Grey's Anatomy. It's like a grown up version of BFF. It's the person in your inner circle. The one you want to text when something happens, good or bad. It's the one you make time for no matter what. Your confidante. The one person who gets to know the real you. The person who you know will remain even if you have a disagreement. The person who will show up for your walk/lunch date even if your relationship is currently awkward and uncomfortable.
My question is: can your relationship with your "person" ever be completely uncomplicated and easy? I have lots of easy, drama-free friendships. But. They aren't close. We have fun, we chat, but they don't actually know me. I don't tell them my inner most thoughts. I don't generally challenge them even when I think their thinking is wrong. These friendships are pleasant, but superficial. If they moved, or circumstances changed so that keeping in touch was challenging, our friendships would probably fade.
But my "person" is forever. We have fun and laugh a lot. But she also listens to me cry. She gets to hear about my frustrations. She hears my thoughts on things which may challenge her; I don't hold back with her. She also gets to see the ugly insecurity and other things lurking beneath the surface; things that I keep hidden from other friends. This can sometimes lead to some discomfort or annoyance. It doesn't always feel like a blessing to get to know someone warts and all. It's also a highly vulnerable place when you share the real you; the chance for rejection is so much greater. I read recently that "love that's truly cruciform, is truly vulnerable enough-that the heart can get hurt." And that's the catch, you can get hurt. Studying Judas from the Bible last week, I paused to think about Jesus loving him despite knowing how it would turn out. He knew He'd be hurt and betrayed in the worst way, and He loved anyway. But, what's the alternative? Keeping your walls up and letting no one in? That sounds safe, but also very lonely.
Yes, the risk can be great. And you might get hurt. There might be misunderstanding, or even frustration. But the gain is so much greater too. Having a close friend makes life so much better. Regardless of tension or disagreements, your friendship will survive because it's not possible for it to end. In fact, it may actually grow stronger during a conflict. Because knowing that she will show up even if she's annoyed is a beautiful thing. It confirms that because she is my person, we will get through anything. There is no alternative because my person is my person forever.
So, in answer to my own question, no it isn't always easy, but things that are worth having rarely are. Yes, it can get complicated sometimes, especially when you're navigating between two very different personalities. But it is absolutely worth it.
"Those people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need." Meredith, Grey's Anatomy
Sunday, June 28, 2020
Saturday, June 27, 2020
School's Out!
This bizarre school year finally ended today!! I hope I never have to relive another semester like term 3 of 2019/2020. I remember leaving for spring break and the principal saying we'd be back in two weeks, but to make sure we took everything we might need if schools were out longer. Ha! Term three was the weirdest hybrid of extended break, online teaching, gradual return and everything in between. I am so glad that I only work part time because it was a gong show. It was frustrating and unprecedented and weird. But it was also sad because it highlighted those students who are struggling. They were often the same students who didn't show up much online. I have not seen or heard from some of my students since March 13th, when I last saw them at school. It's a weird end to the year when you haven't seen some students for more than three months and can't even say goodbye.
Despite all that however, there were some highlights. I mailed a letter to every student in my class and one of them wrote me back. His mom sent me a picture of him at the mailbox, posting the letter. Some parents sent me photos of my students and their work. Once school resumed part time, I was able to see a handful of my students and that was really special. I was really touched by how happy they were to see me. I never expect gifts from students, but today there were some waiting for me. One little boy, who I actually wondered if I had connected with, had left me a lovely gift basket. Attached to the gift was a card that said: thanks for making school so fun! That made my day. If kindergarten isn't fun, then I have failed. But if one of the more reserved children who doesn't show much emotion openly thanks me for making the year fun, I feel like I have done my job.
Another highlight was definitely the staff. There are some really lovely teachers at my school and today I was able to chat with many of them. Obviously Lesley is my favourite since we've been friends for 20 years. But there's also Patricia who works across the hall who gave me a lovely card and said the coffee pot is always on, please stop by and included her address. And Hollie who was my partner previously for years. And Chloe the librarian who let students and teachers take out books over the summer, which is unprecedented! And Nichole, my current partner who was so easygoing and on the same page about everything. And Emelyn who had the best sense of humour and would have dance parties with me and the class. And Jen who would make Starbucks runs and ask if wanted anything, I could go on...
Teachers had to be at school today for administrative day which meant we had breakfast as a staff outside on the lawn and cleaned our classrooms. The vibe was relaxed and relieved. There were donuts. Even though it was such a strange year, today brought closure. We survived and who know what September will bring. But for now, no more online meetings, or principal emails or staff meetings or ...Summer break begins today!
Despite all that however, there were some highlights. I mailed a letter to every student in my class and one of them wrote me back. His mom sent me a picture of him at the mailbox, posting the letter. Some parents sent me photos of my students and their work. Once school resumed part time, I was able to see a handful of my students and that was really special. I was really touched by how happy they were to see me. I never expect gifts from students, but today there were some waiting for me. One little boy, who I actually wondered if I had connected with, had left me a lovely gift basket. Attached to the gift was a card that said: thanks for making school so fun! That made my day. If kindergarten isn't fun, then I have failed. But if one of the more reserved children who doesn't show much emotion openly thanks me for making the year fun, I feel like I have done my job.
Another highlight was definitely the staff. There are some really lovely teachers at my school and today I was able to chat with many of them. Obviously Lesley is my favourite since we've been friends for 20 years. But there's also Patricia who works across the hall who gave me a lovely card and said the coffee pot is always on, please stop by and included her address. And Hollie who was my partner previously for years. And Chloe the librarian who let students and teachers take out books over the summer, which is unprecedented! And Nichole, my current partner who was so easygoing and on the same page about everything. And Emelyn who had the best sense of humour and would have dance parties with me and the class. And Jen who would make Starbucks runs and ask if wanted anything, I could go on...
Teachers had to be at school today for administrative day which meant we had breakfast as a staff outside on the lawn and cleaned our classrooms. The vibe was relaxed and relieved. There were donuts. Even though it was such a strange year, today brought closure. We survived and who know what September will bring. But for now, no more online meetings, or principal emails or staff meetings or ...Summer break begins today!
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
A Hard Word
Does a good friend keep quiet or call you out? If you're doing something she thinks needs correction, or at least consideration, do you want to be told? What if your friend remains silent and then someone else calls you out on it years from now and your friend says, oh yeah, that has always bothered me. How would you feel about your friend then? Like you wished she had just spoken up? Would you wonder why she didn't say anything?
Calling someone out is super uncomfortable and awkward. On the one hand, it's none of my business and who am I to say anything? It's not like I have it all together, so how could I possibly call out someone else? And what if I blow up the friendship in the process? Is it worth it? What if she doesn't want to hear it and gets offended? What if she takes it as an opportunity to air out all her grievances about me? What if the friendship becomes awkward and uncomfortable? What if I can literally feel the the other person moving away from me both physically and emotionally? What if her back goes up and she blows up, or worse, turns cold and distant? Calling someone out could go wrong in a million different ways.
But. If I love someone, am I obligated to speak? Am I really being a good friend in being silent? Does unconditional love mean never saying hard things? What if I feel like the Holy Spirit is prompting me? Do I have a choice if I want to be obedient?
The amplified Bible says: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern], But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful..." (Prov 27:6). Fake friends who will only tell you things you want to hear are a dime a dozen. Sure, it can feel nice to be complimented and patted on the back, but how much weight do those words carry? Is a friend who always supports you in doing "whatever makes you happy" actually giving you sound advice? Personally, I would rather have one deeply honest friend who sometimes corrects me than dozens of superficial friends who don't challenge me. Even though it's not always pleasant, I would rather have a friend who disagrees with me, and calls me out and loves me enough to tell me the truth. And I would hope that I would be willing to take the constructive criticism for what it is. I get that this is hard; no one likes to be corrected and I can be pretty sensitive. But, I am most likely to listen to the opinions of a trusted friend. And if I want to grow, surely that will involve some discomfort.
Despite the risks, I can't be any other kind of close friend than an honest one. I have called people out and I will continue to do so even though some friendships have imploded as a result. It isn't easy. If taking criticism is hard, so is giving it. The more I love the person, the harder it is to say something and everything in me wants to keep quiet. But, I can't. And if I'm really honest, I don't think I should.
In the words of Charles Spurgeon:
Calling someone out is super uncomfortable and awkward. On the one hand, it's none of my business and who am I to say anything? It's not like I have it all together, so how could I possibly call out someone else? And what if I blow up the friendship in the process? Is it worth it? What if she doesn't want to hear it and gets offended? What if she takes it as an opportunity to air out all her grievances about me? What if the friendship becomes awkward and uncomfortable? What if I can literally feel the the other person moving away from me both physically and emotionally? What if her back goes up and she blows up, or worse, turns cold and distant? Calling someone out could go wrong in a million different ways.
But. If I love someone, am I obligated to speak? Am I really being a good friend in being silent? Does unconditional love mean never saying hard things? What if I feel like the Holy Spirit is prompting me? Do I have a choice if I want to be obedient?
The amplified Bible says: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern], But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful..." (Prov 27:6). Fake friends who will only tell you things you want to hear are a dime a dozen. Sure, it can feel nice to be complimented and patted on the back, but how much weight do those words carry? Is a friend who always supports you in doing "whatever makes you happy" actually giving you sound advice? Personally, I would rather have one deeply honest friend who sometimes corrects me than dozens of superficial friends who don't challenge me. Even though it's not always pleasant, I would rather have a friend who disagrees with me, and calls me out and loves me enough to tell me the truth. And I would hope that I would be willing to take the constructive criticism for what it is. I get that this is hard; no one likes to be corrected and I can be pretty sensitive. But, I am most likely to listen to the opinions of a trusted friend. And if I want to grow, surely that will involve some discomfort.
Despite the risks, I can't be any other kind of close friend than an honest one. I have called people out and I will continue to do so even though some friendships have imploded as a result. It isn't easy. If taking criticism is hard, so is giving it. The more I love the person, the harder it is to say something and everything in me wants to keep quiet. But, I can't. And if I'm really honest, I don't think I should.
In the words of Charles Spurgeon:
True friends put enough trust in you to tell you openly of your faults. Give me for a friend the man who will speak honestly of me before my face; who will not tell first one neighbour, and then another, but who will come straight to my house, and say, "Sir, I feel there is such-and-such a thing in you, which, as my brother, I must tell you of." That man is a true friend; he has proved himself to be so; for we never get any praise for telling people of their faults; we rather hazard their dislike; a man will sometimes thank you for it, but he does not often like you any the better.
Wednesday, June 17, 2020
When Family Are Friends
On Sunday, we spent 12+ hours with my brother Henry and his wife Ruth. This is not unusual. In fact, I can't believe I haven't blogged about them more. My brother was preaching at a small community church on Sunday, so I went to listen. Since he was preaching for their second service as well, Ruth came home with me. When Henry was done, he came over and the four of us went out for lunch.
Being with them is easy. Every combination of us works, in that we all get along equally well and talk a lot. But we also have long stretches of silence sometimes and that is easy and comfortable too. After lunch, they came back to our house and stayed for 8 more hours. We ended up ordering sushi for dinner. We had coffee and fresh banana cake. We had wine on the deck. But Henry also spent some of his time downstairs on our PS4 playing video games. Ruth spent some of her time reading on her phone. I listened to the sermon from our church. This freedom to be together, but not together is what makes hanging out with them easy; we don't entertain them the whole time. When they are over, I am as comfortable to do whatever I want as I would be if they weren't here at all. That is a big deal for me. I don't think there is anyone else I could say that about. I let them into my house when it's messy. I ask Henry to go to the store for me when we're out of cream. Ruth peels potatoes for dinner sometimes. I have had zoom calls where I disappear upstairs for an hour in the middle of their visit. Yes, they're family, but it's not just that. They are among our closest friends.
We've had some really great conversations about theology and politics and all kinds of different topics. I value their opinions. They're both super knowledgeable about the Bible and well read. Their opinions are thoughtful. Ruth, who is an introvert, will often not answer a question right away because she wants to think about her answer. I appreciate that. Her and I are very similar in a lot of ways, although she's definitely smarter than I am.
It's unfortunate that the entire time that they have been living in Vancouver has been abnormal in that my father was dying, then we were still grieving his death when COVID hit and everything shut down. So, although we have spent a lot of time together, we haven't been able to fully enjoy this time as we could have if things had been "normal". I say this because they are actually leaving next month. This sucks. I totally get why they're going to Finland and knowing them as well as I do, I knew their leaving was inevitable. But, it still sucks. They will leave a huge void in the life our family.
Friday, June 12, 2020
Reading
I realized yesterday that I have not read a single book in the more than six months. For an avid reader like me, that is unheard of! Books have been my friends since elementary school; I love reading. Normally, they provide the perfect escape. But, ever since my father got sick and passed away, I have not been able to focus. I have started lots of books, even engrossing, good ones, but have been unable to finish a single one. Grief does weird things to a person...
Well, that's going to change. I just ordered a pile of books for myself from the library. Burnaby public library is open for contactless book pick up, so I put in an order. Mostly I did it for the kids because they have been spending way too much on line. But, while I'm going, I may as well get something to read myself.
Well, that's going to change. I just ordered a pile of books for myself from the library. Burnaby public library is open for contactless book pick up, so I put in an order. Mostly I did it for the kids because they have been spending way too much on line. But, while I'm going, I may as well get something to read myself.
Thursday, June 11, 2020
Six Months
Today marks six months since my father died; it feels so unfair that we've had to live without him for six months already. Needless to say that it has been a very hard, emotional day. I have listened to a lot of hymns today; they comfort me. But I miss him. So much.
Wednesday, June 10, 2020
Gushing
Gushing by definition is speech or writing that is effusive and exaggeratedly enthusiastic; that's so not what I'm about. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a gusher. I tend not to give really high praise or rave about things unless I really mean it. But, there are three exceptions about which I regularly gush and truly mean it. If you read this blog it's not hard to figure out what they are....Today, I want to write about one of them: my church.
I just finished a conversation with someone from church. She was checking in to see how I was doing. And she wanted to know how I was really doing, not just a "hope you're well" type message. We plan to get together next week. I have had several messages and phone calls from people from church. One of the pastors called to check in. The senior pastor's wife also called to check in. Even though 600 people attend the church, it has not lost its sense of community, not when we were gathering in person and not even now that everything is online. I find that impressive.
The church has put a lot of content online. There are weekly sermons, but there are also daily devotional videos and weekly prayer calls, Bible studies and youth meetings. On Wednesday nights, the pastor has been teaching through one book of the Bible in an hour followed by some Q and A. It is easily one of the highlights of my week. I love getting an overview of different books of the Bible and getting a sense of where they fit into the grand timeline. But, what I love most of all are the frameworks that he has provided; they help to guide my verse by verse reading which in some of those OT books can get pretty bogged down. I love that when he finishes teaching I want to grab my Bible and read through the entire book he just covered because now I want to know all about it and not just the broad strokes. Isn't that what any good Bible teacher does? Inspires you to read and study for yourself?
During this weird season, we joined one of the church's house churches online. There are four couples in our group from my church who zoom together on Sunday mornings. I love the authenticity in the group. We chat, we pray, we do the liturgy, and we take communion. It's casual and sometimes a bit chaotic between technology issues and kids popping up, but it's real. And I love it.
The youth team has done a phenomenal job with keeping the youth connected. I don't think either of my boys have missed a single session. The youth leaders have tried different formats and different times, adapting all the time to what was working or not, and how the schedules of the kids were shaping up. Joonas' small group leader has made two socially distanced house calls to chat with Joonas, even bringing cookies! I am so impressed with the level of care and thought put into the church youth.
I am so grateful for my church. I hope and pray that we can go back to meeting in person soon. But in the meantime, I super appreciate all that the leadership and members are doing to keep us all connected. It makes me feel like I am part of a large, loving family, which is exactly what I think church should feel like.
I just finished a conversation with someone from church. She was checking in to see how I was doing. And she wanted to know how I was really doing, not just a "hope you're well" type message. We plan to get together next week. I have had several messages and phone calls from people from church. One of the pastors called to check in. The senior pastor's wife also called to check in. Even though 600 people attend the church, it has not lost its sense of community, not when we were gathering in person and not even now that everything is online. I find that impressive.
The church has put a lot of content online. There are weekly sermons, but there are also daily devotional videos and weekly prayer calls, Bible studies and youth meetings. On Wednesday nights, the pastor has been teaching through one book of the Bible in an hour followed by some Q and A. It is easily one of the highlights of my week. I love getting an overview of different books of the Bible and getting a sense of where they fit into the grand timeline. But, what I love most of all are the frameworks that he has provided; they help to guide my verse by verse reading which in some of those OT books can get pretty bogged down. I love that when he finishes teaching I want to grab my Bible and read through the entire book he just covered because now I want to know all about it and not just the broad strokes. Isn't that what any good Bible teacher does? Inspires you to read and study for yourself?
During this weird season, we joined one of the church's house churches online. There are four couples in our group from my church who zoom together on Sunday mornings. I love the authenticity in the group. We chat, we pray, we do the liturgy, and we take communion. It's casual and sometimes a bit chaotic between technology issues and kids popping up, but it's real. And I love it.
The youth team has done a phenomenal job with keeping the youth connected. I don't think either of my boys have missed a single session. The youth leaders have tried different formats and different times, adapting all the time to what was working or not, and how the schedules of the kids were shaping up. Joonas' small group leader has made two socially distanced house calls to chat with Joonas, even bringing cookies! I am so impressed with the level of care and thought put into the church youth.
I am so grateful for my church. I hope and pray that we can go back to meeting in person soon. But in the meantime, I super appreciate all that the leadership and members are doing to keep us all connected. It makes me feel like I am part of a large, loving family, which is exactly what I think church should feel like.
Monday, June 8, 2020
National Best Friends day
Today was national best friends day and it was perfect! I met my best friend at Earl's for lunch. We ate and talked and laughed in a virtually empty restaurant. After that, we went for pedicures. We did have to sign contracts about COVID and wear masks the whole time, but it was worth the hassle. We both came out with pretty purple toe nails. Obviously coffee was in order next. I have missed my afternoon grande flat whites during the pandemic. Yes, it was a very small hardship, but I am very glad to be able to walk up to Starbucks and order an afternoon coffee, especially with my bff for company. We wandered the mall and shopped, coffees in hand. It felt so relaxed and normal, like for a few hours I could forget my troubles and just hang out with my best friend. Today filled me up and I am overflowing with gratitude for this friend of mine; she is a treasured gift from God.
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