Day sixteen

I am depressed today over the news that these restrictions from COVID19 could last into summer. I know that it is not a hardship to stay safe in my own home. But, I am a little down anyway. So, I decided to pay tribute to six ladies in my life who I love dearly, who are all in their 70s. They are "at risk" from this virus. If I think about them and how much I want to keep them around, it helps to put things in perspective. And it helps me to stay home.
I have always loved older people. My paternal grandmother was one of my favourite people ever and I still miss her. She taught me to pray. She was no nonsense and hardworking, but also funny. She moved to Canada in her 70s and never looked back. She was brave and strong, but also very sweet. She read her Bible and prayed a lot. But, she passed away 20 years ago already. These six women are very much alive and very much a part of my life.
I don't really want to go into detail about each one and some of them I have blogged about before anyway. But, they inspire me. They're funny and don't take life too seriously. They love me but they also tell me off, haha. Or maybe they tell me off because they love me; I'm not sure. They always tell me the truth, although two of them are more diplomatic about it than the other four...Of course if you know me at all, diplomacy isn't very high on my list of priorities anyway. What I do know is that this brutal virus would not be good for any one of them. And so I stay inside. And I message them and zoom with them and pray that they will be around for a long time to come!

Day fifteen

On my walk today I was admiring all the burgeoning spring around me. Nature is so full of life right now and it doesn't stop just because we are in the middle of a COVID19 crisis. As I walked and the dappled light came through the trees I was thinking about the line from the Lord's Prayer "your kingdom come". Right now it feels like God's kingdom could not be farther away, but walking in nature, it's like I can see it peeking through. The glimmers of sunlight and the unstoppable trees and flowers coming to life....they make me feel like I am getting a glimpse of God's kingdom, the way that things are meant to be and not as they are now. It makes me hopeful.
I had four different online meetings today. The best one was definitely with my choir! The meeting itself was ok, but texting with my friends on the side was hilarious. I had to turn my camera off a few times because I was laughing so hard. I miss my choir friends, especially the ones who know me really well.

Day thirteen

We played poker with the kids today. Previously, Emmi has just watched, but today she joined in for the first time. Pentti is clearly a good teacher because she cleaned house! I kind of thought that she wouldn't do too well and when she kept putting down chips, I thought I hope this doesn't end in tears (for her). Instead she had a full house and won the pot. It was great.

Earlier in the day, I walked around the trail near our house. It is 4 km and a fairly good workout because of all the steep inclines. It was raining most of the day, but it was dry when I went for a walk. The path was a little squishy, but it was still refreshing. The path is so enclosed by trees and other greenery that you'd never know that you are right in the middle of the city, right off busy Marine Drive. When I got home, I made spaghetti for dinner, which is always a huge hit and means that dinner for tomorrow is set too. Yay! After dinner I had an online chat with Dee. We chatted for an hour! It's funny, I hate the phone, but I actually don't mind video calls. Go figure.

That's it for today. This blog has turned into a sort of diary of my days in isolation, so I kind of hope no one is reading these. But, if you are I hope they aren't too boring!

Day twelve

We are back in Vancouver. It's strange how different it feels to stay at home in Vancouver than it does to stay home in Hope. Granted, our cabin in Hope sits on a slightly bigger piece of land and has a green space in the front and back. The backyard also includes a lovely creek. But even so, staying in in Hope feels more free. I don't really know how to explain it.
One thing I really love about Vancouver though is all the green space and walking trails near my house. I have lots of options for taking beautiful nature walks. Today, it was raining, but I went for a walk by myself anyway. It was so refreshing and peaceful. Hardly anyone was out and those that were kept their distance. I love walking in the (light) rain. 
I also baked banana bread, had a zoom call with 9 others, and commiserated with my neighbour, who is also a teacher. All in all, it was a good day.

Day eleven

Depending on how well you know me, you might know that when I was at university, I had a tough time with reconciling my faith with what I was being taught at UBC. One of the things that helped me, I could say saved me, during that time was attending a different church for a few years. The pastor and his wife at the church that I attended were lovely. Pastor Bert was a really good preacher and just a wonderful human being. He is one of those people who emanate love and caring and warmth. Shirley is a gifted pianist and directed the church choir for years. They are both really warm and friendly people and I got to know them over the years that I attended there. Pastor Bert and Shirley would always stand at the church entrance after every service and greet every person who attended. This was no small task since the church was attended by hundreds of people, but they shepherded their flock in the truest sense of the word. 

Today, I found out that they are both in the hospital (in BC) with COVID19 and double pneumonia. She is in critical condition, he is on oxygen. I am so sad. I am praying, but I feel a bit hopeless. It also makes me wonder how many more lovely people that I know will become critically ill from this virus. Please pray for them. And please do your part to not spread the virus to others.

UPDATE: Shirley passed away on April 6. Please continue praying for Bert.

Day ten

I don't know how people without faith in God are coping right now. I really don't. I had the best day today and it was because of my church. I miss my church so much. But, the leadership is doing such an awesome job of keeping us connected online and of giving us hope. Not that God loves you it'll work out cheesy hope, but real hope in the face of uncertainty and job loss and fear. Our pastors do not speak from a place of being above it all. They share that they too are anxious and trying not to fall into a pit of despair. But, they also share how faith is about trust. Knowing God and who He is gives one assurance. He is in control. There may be death and devastation, but God has not changed. He still loves me. He still knows my name. He still wants a relationship with me.
I saw a meme on a friend's facebook feed that said: "This can be a period of fear and panic or it can be a period of spiritual transformation. You can choose". I really believe that. When things get shaken, what do you cling to? What lets you sleep at night? For me, it's my faith. I have absolute confidence that God loves me and is in control. I don't need to worry that I will die before my time; that's not possible.
I was really thinking about this today and it brought to mind my dad. We are currently in Hope and walked to visit his grave yesterday. It was sad. I am devastated that he is resting in the ground at Hope cemetery. But. I am also so profoundly grateful for his example. Yes, I've blogged about him before. But it struck me anew how his faith was so steadfast. He didn't live through a pandemic like this one, but he did live through other hardships: war, job loss when he was the only one earning an income, his near death illness, my brother Tim's brushes with death (twice) etc. His life wasn't all perfect and rosy. But I never heard him doubt God. He always trusted. And he instilled that trust in us. He told me in the hospital that we have hope that things will work out (he'll be healed), but even if they don't work out, we STILL have hope. I thank God for my dad and his example. And I thank God that in the middle of these dark and trying times, I have hope. And total trust.

Day nine

I used to live through happy moments thinking about their inevitable end. I would always be waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop. I still do that sometimes, but I have also come to realize that happy moments must be savored and remembered because when the dark days do come, it is in their remembrance that one can find strength and comfort. Right now the days are a little dark and I think they will get a lot worse before they start getting better. So, I have been thinking about all the good and positive things that have happened to me in the last year that I can savor in these moments. Things that I can remember that bring a smile to my face. So, here is just a random list of things that make me smile:

-Kelowna with my friend Lesley; it was perfect. I blogged about it if you care to scroll back. But it was definitely one of the highlights of my summer

-girls weekend in Hope with five girlfriends; it was so lovely and fun and crazy. In fact, all the times that I spent with these ladies last year were perfect

-I met my best friend and I knew as soon as we met that we were meant to be friends. I’ve been thinking about what my favourite moments might have been and I can’t choose, there are just too many. Also, it doesn’t matter whether what we were doing was momentous like going to hear The Messiah in Abbotsford (an 8 hour day), or just going for a simple coffee at Starbucks, they are all lovely memories. But, if I had to choose my favourite memory, it would probably be the day that we went to see the movie Emma or the day we went to the Quay and walked around and had dinner just because that was the last time we were together

-going to see For King And Country with my brother and dinner at the Italian. In fact, I have a lot of good memories from The Italian and I have been there with a few of my favourite people

-the auction at Dee’s church. We may have mocked some of the happenings but it was definitely fun and funny. Plus, I had dinner at her house. Going to see Brian Doerksen together was also a highlight, as was rooming with her at Whistler.

Anyway, there are lots of moments. So on the days when I feel less than hopeful, I can remember these times of joy and savour them. I leave you with a portion of Wordsworth’s poem that echoes the very same sentiment…

These beauteous forms,

Through a long absence, have not been to me

As is a landscape to a blind man's eye:

But oft, in lonely rooms, and 'mid the din

Of towns and cities, I have owed to them,

In hours of weariness, sensations sweet,

Felt in the blood, and felt along the heart;

And passing even into my purer mind

With tranquil restoration:—feelings too

Of unremembered pleasure: such, perhaps,

As have no slight or trivial influence

On that best portion of a good man's life,

His little, nameless, unremembered, acts

Of kindness and of love. Nor less, I trust,

To them I may have owed another gift,

Of aspect more sublime; that blessed mood,

In which the burthen of the mystery,

In which the heavy and the weary weight

Of all this unintelligible world,

Is lightened:—that serene and blessed mood

Day eight

As you can see from the picture, we're in Hope for a few days. We drove up yesterday after a lazy morning, church and packing up. Packing to come here is always such a pain that it almost makes us not want to come. But, once we get here, it's so peaceful and lovely. The picture is from the backyard; I've blogged about this place many times before so I won't go into details again. Suffice it to say that I am at peace here. Life right now has a slower rhythmn than normal anyway, but somehow in Hope, it is even more pronounced. We play more games as a family, I read more books, we spend more time outside. Of course the sauna is a major draw for me, especially since all the saunas in town are currently closed.
This afternoon, I had a zoom coffee date with six friends. It was so fun and uplifting. There was a lot of laughter and some talking on top of each other, but it was great. I've been reading and listening to music and playing card games. Tonight we are going in the sauna and possibly making a fire pit with s'mores. All things considered, I am so grateful.

Day six

Today was a good day. Uneventful of course in the midst of a time of social distancing and isolation. But still good. I texted with friends. I laughed a lot. I zoomed with my friend Wendy. Actually I don't even really know what I did, but sometimes doing nothing at all is refreshing. One thing I have been doing a lot lately is listening to music. I've blogged before about how powerful music is for me, but I have realized it once again during the past week. I have listened to a lot of hymns, but also to a lot of French music. I have rather eclectic taste in music and I tend to go through phases in what I'm listening to. Right now, there is a lot of French music. It's very folksy and soothing. It transports me somewhere else.

Tomorrow is Sunday and I am really looking forward to church. I am so grateful for my church. Today one of the elders called just to check on how we are doing, I love that. I miss gathering together physically, but one of the many things that I love about the leadership is that they are so very organized and on the ball. They already have a bunch of new things in the works for keeping the church connected and in the Word. I am excited for all that is coming in the next week, starting tomorrow.
PS. I was too slow to post, so it says Sunday, but the post is from Saturday.

day five

I gotta be honest. I'm struggling to find joy today. Yes, I went for a walk and it was beautiful, but there were too many things swirling in my head to really enjoy it. Of course in the bigger picture, things are good and I am grateful. But in my little corner of the universe, I am sad. So, I will leave you with a poem from Wendell Berry and call it a day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

When despair grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake

rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought

of grief. I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars

waiting for their light. For a time

I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

Withdrawing (day four)

Lent is a tree without blossom, without leaf,

Barer than blackthorn in its winter sleep,

All unadorned. Unlike Christmas which decrees

The setting-up, the dressing-up of trees,

Lent is a taking down, a stripping bare,

A starkness after all has been withdrawn

Of surplus and superfluous,

Leaving no hiding-place, only an emptiness

Between black branches, a most precious space

Before the leaf, before the time of flowers;

Lest we should see only the leaf, the flower,

Lest we should miss the stars. 

Jean M. Watt

Amid all the craziness, I forgot that we are in the season of Lent. My friend sent me a funny meme saying, "Honestly hadn't planned on giving up quite this much for Lent". It's funny, but also so fitting. In my pathetic efforts to bring in Lent over the last few years, I have given up various things. But I have chosen those things, and only for a period of 40 days. What happens when a lot more is stripped away, and without warning? What if there is no end date? 

Lent is supposed to be a season of withdrawing and stripping bare and drawing back. What if God is calling us to do just that? My pastor said that God has never wasted a crisis. I believe that's true. So, what could I learn? How could/should I fill my days? What could this time mean for the church if we spend more time praying and seeking the face of God?

I just finished watching a livestream prayer and worship service from Westside Church. It was so uplifting and filled my soul right up. These are the things I should be doing during these challenging times. I am encouraged.

Day three

I am bound and determined to stay positive in this time of uncertainty and to use this time wisely. Most places are closed, but the outdoors are still wide open. This morning we made the kids go for a walk around the golf course. Two of them were ok with it, but the middle one now wants to nominate us for worst parents in the world. This makes me laugh and strangely proud. He grumbled and complained but he did it. And we were all together outside getting fresh air and vitamin D. The birds were singing and it was refreshing in so many ways.
In the afternoon, it was warm enough to have my afternoon coffee outside on the front step. I could hear birds and the far away hum of a lawnmower. I have a strange love for the distant sounds of lawns being mown. It reminds me of the lazy days of summer. Also, I have never mown a lawn, so it in no way makes me think of sweaty manual labour, haha.
PS. Since spring break officially started on Monday, today is day 3. I can't believe I was still teaching on Friday and having dinner with my best friend on Saturday. The world sure has changed in less than a week.

Blessings

Since I am going to be spending a lot of time at home in the foreseeable future, I was thinking that this is as good a time as any to blog a little more. Anyone who knows me well knows that I always have lots to say...lol...so it won't exactly be a hardship.
Despite the crazy times we're living in, there are blessings all around. I'm so grateful that this virus didn't get out of control here until the spring. It was another beautiful sunny day today. I was able to go for a walk along the woodsy path that encircles the golf course near my house. There was so much beauty around me in the budding trees and the filtered sunlight and the ferns and the moss. The fact that I am able to go for walks at all is a blessing because last year at this time I had a twisted ankle and I wasn't taking walks anywhere. I am grateful I live in an area of Vancouver with lots of trees and walking paths and fairly clean air. I am grateful that my kids are old enough that I can actually leave them at home sometimes and get some time to myself.
Today they announced that schools are out indefinitely. I am choosing to take this as a blessing as well. Since my dad died, I have not had much enthusiasm for subbing, which I am technically supposed to do at least 1.5 days a week. I do love my own class, but it has been extremely challenging with the addition of a new student in the new year. In light of mourning my father and not enjoying the stress of dealing with a completely changed class dynamic, I am taking this as a welcome break. I am not sure whether I will be paid, but I am not going to worry about something I have no control over. 
Speaking of my dad, I am so glad that he is not ill during this time. We had unlimited access to him while he was in the hospital. We did not think twice about visiting him. We did not have to worry that his health issues would make him susceptible to some virus. We only had to think about his cancer and about maximizing our time with him. I can't imagine that under current conditions the 6 of us could have been in his hospital room when he passed. I am grateful for the uninterrupted time that we had with him week in and week out.
So, despite challenging times, I am filled with gratitude. And I am happy. 

Crazy Times

We are living in interesting times. A virus is running rampant worldwide and the responses to it are changing by the hour. Yesterday, we couldn't gather in groups of more than 250 and today that number is down to 50. Socializing of all kinds is actually discouraged. To prevent the spread of the virus: no shaking hands, no hugging, no coming closer than 6ft of each other. The world is in turmoil. People are panicked and losing all common sense. I don't think I've ever lived through a time quite like this one before. But, I am calm. Yes, I am inconvenienced. Yes, almost everywhere I could take my kids during spring break is closed. Yes, several concerts I had tickets for are cancelled. Yes, schools may be closed longer than 2 weeks and I may not be paid during the closure. The list goes on. 
But, it is in times like these that I quiet my soul. I mean, I am an introvert anyway, so it's not that unusual, but chaos actually makes me take stock. To go back to those things that refresh my soul. I have been listening to some sermons. I have been listening to readalouds of poetry and Psalms by one of my favorite bloggers. I have been baking because I find it a soothing activity. I have listened to music. I gathered in a small group with my church family. I have walked outside. These are things that inspire me and keep me calm in the face of so much unrest and craziness. These, and total trust in a God who is still in control. A God who loves me and wants what's best for me. I pray that I would not waste this time watching Netflix and scrolling through social media. I pray that I would spend this time deeply reflecting on why all the things I can't do right now matter to me and how I have perhaps taken them for granted. I hope that I would pray more and spend more time with the Creator of the universe.

Kindred Spirits

How many times in a lifetime do you get a Jonathan and David type friendship? A deep, abiding friendship that actually lives up to the cliche of friends forever. The Bible says that the souls of David and Jonathan were knit together. That is pretty strong language and indicates that their bond was unbreakable. They were not fairweather friends or friends for a season; their friendship was forever. Not surprisingly, I recently read that "most people never have a friendship even slightly like that of Jonathan and David". The urban dictionary, after the definition of bosom friend, states "very hard to find". As much as most people would like one of these friendships, you can't find them or create them or search them out. These kinds of friendships are a gift from God and they happen organically. You meet someone and become friends. You spend time together, and get to know each other. If you are very fortunate, you may discover that you have found one of these rare, bosom friends who changes your life forever.
I have had lots of friends that have come and gone in my life. We have been in the same mom's group or workplace or neighbourhood and once the common denominator has been removed, we have just naturally drifted apart. We may have been close, but then life has happened and the friendship has petered out. I do also have some friends who I have been friends with for years. Friends from my childhood and coworkers who I still keep in touch with regularly. But, David and Jonathan type friendships? Those really are few and far between. In fact, I don't think I've ever had one of those. Until now.
At 46, I have found my David and Jonathan friendship. I will never let her go or not be her friend. Friends forever is so cliche, but I really can't imagine not having her in my life forever. I love her. I want to tell her things. I text her a lot. I hug her all the time and when I see her coming, my heart is happy. Even though it's completely irrational, I miss her on days when we don't talk or text, even if it's just one day.
She has my heart. Being with her is comfortable, but it also brings me joy. She is a treasure. She is smart and funny and quick-witted. She makes me laugh all the time. She is a deep thinker and a thoughtful, dedicated Christian. She inspires me in my faith to draw closer to Jesus. Sometimes she asks me challenging questions and makes me think. I can let my guard down and just be myself with her, without being filtered or curated; being with her is easy.
She was there for me when my dad was dying. She checked on me. She prayed for me and my family. Like really prayed. She came to my house the day my dad died to give me all the hugs I needed. She said: let me know if you need me with you at the memorial service and then came when I asked her to come. What a blessing when your best friend is also your best person when you are going through a hard time.
My friend chooses to spend time with me. Considering she is a homebody introvert, this is a big deal. She is willing to leave her cozy cave to hang out with me. In fact, she will even agree to do things which I know she is not that keen to do, because I ask her to. We have spent a lot of time together. We have had coffees and lunch dates and dinner dates and concert dates. I don't ever feel like we need a break or that we have been together too long. There is a consistency in our friendship; I can count on her. Always.
I am so grateful for this friend of mine although I'm not sure what I did to deserve her. But, I do know how very blessed I am to have found her.