finding joy

Is joy still present as an inbreaking light, sparkle, music, dazzlement in your life? Are you able to steal moments of joy in the midst of a pandemic? This is of course easier said than done, but oh how it fills the heart when you find those glimpses of the beautiful and the divine.

I was at the beach today with a friend eating takeout. The air was pretty frigid, even under our blankets as we tried to eat our poke bowls without our fingers going completely numb from the cold. The ground was cold and somewhat uncomfortable. But, my heart was so full. The view looming in front of us which filled 180 degrees of what we could see, was sparkling. The mountains still glistening with snow and the water gently crashing on the shore. The fresh air we could breathe and the comfort of sitting next to my closest friend. The gratitude for still being able to meet outside despite the tightening of restrictions. For all these things and more, I was so grateful. 

There are moments of joy in every day, if you care to find them. Rather than dwelling on the increasingly dark and depressing world around me, I am choosing to look for the light that brings a glimmer of hope into every day. 

Generations

What do you do when the people you've known your whole life, who've helped shape you into the person you are, start to die? I know that it is the cycle of life and that once you get to a certain age, death of the generation before becomes more commonplace. But that doesn't make it any less sad or heartbreaking.

I've blogged before about how blessed I was to have grown up in the Finnish church that I did. It was a vibrant, solid, loving environment that I am so grateful for to this day. In its heyday, the church had about 200 members and I knew every single one. And they knew me. There were generations of families attending the church and I was lucky in that my grandparents from both sides went to the church, as did my cousins, aunts and uncles. But it wasn't just my relatives that were my family. The older people were grandparents to everyone and the parents of my friends were also in many ways parenting me. The sense of community was strengthened by our commonality as immigrants from Finland. The church was familiar and safe and loving. There were some old people who scolded us for running in the sanctuary, and for drawing and whispering during church. There were other old people who secretly gave us candy and made us feel loved. There were the church ladies who cooked at our overnight camps and the countless Sunday school teachers and camp counsellors who taught us and nurtured us and guided us. I have so many memories from church, kid's camp, church picnics, conferences, playdates between morning and evening service. I really was brought up by a village. 

Two of my closest friends growing up at church had fathers who deeply influenced me. One was my friend Ingrid's dad. I spent a lot of time at their house and we had a lot of conversations around their dinner table. For a while there was a running joke that I was obviously coming over since they were serving chicken. I don't know how many times Ingrid and I lugged the spare mattress down to her room in the middle of the night and inevitably banged the gate at the top of the stairs on our way down. Her dad, Jack, was such an understanding man. I always felt welcome and cared for and like he was interested in what I had to say. Jack was very active and well known in the Richmond School board where I was going to school. His opinions influenced me a lot. By the time I was in high school, he was the superintendent of schools. He came to my graduation and actually left his seat on the stage to give me a hug when I got my diploma. I will never forget that. Unfortunately, Jack died years ago, gone too soon.

My friend Susanna's dad was the pastor of my church growing up. It is largely because of him that the church was so vibrant and Biblical. Erkki was one of those stalwart, solid Christians who was unwavering in his principles. He was not a man of compromise and I really admired that about him. He was steadfast and solid and spoke his mind. But he was also really friendly and had a great sense of humour. In fact, he seemed to always be smiling or laughing when I saw him. 

Erkki actually renewed his pastor's license just so that he could marry Pentti and I almost 22 years ago. Before he would marry us, we had to go through marriage counselling with him. I can't remember how many sessions there were, but he was interested in guiding and counselling us in our lives together, which I thought was beautiful. But even better than any counselling session was having observed his marriage with his wife throughout my whole life. They had a beautiful marriage and everyone who knew them saw it. On one of their anniversaries he rewrote the lyrics to a familiar tune and sang it to his wife at a party. I often saw them out for walks in the neighbourhood clearly enjoying each other's company.

Erkki died two weeks ago and I feel like he was the last pillar of that generation of people from my church. Who will fill the shoes of these spiritual giants? It feels like the end of an era. And yet, even though I am sad, I am also so, so grateful. I have been surrounded by positive, loving father figures my entire life starting of course with my own dad and grandfather, but also beyond them. I have had many spiritual father figures in my life. For me, it is so easy to see God as a loving, caring father and I know that I am truly blessed. It's amazing when I think back to all the male role models in my life and how honest and full of integrity they have been. I also marvel at the strong marriages I grew up seeing firsthand. There was no doubt that these men loved and respected their wives. What a beautiful thing to have grown up in a Christian environment filled with strong, Biblical, sincere believers. No, it wasn't perfect, but it was pretty close. And for that, I am forever grateful.

Acceptance

Do you think people would accept you if they knew who you really are? I thought I was the only person who would answer no to this question, but apparently this describes a lot of people. Apparently there are a lot of people who are scared of letting down their walls for fear of rejection. Who knew? Why are we all so scared? No wonder we are lonely. No one REALLY knows us. I read a quote, "You can't build a friendship with someone who's heart you can't see". Oh. Well, that kind of explains all the loneliness then doesn't it? We're too scared to share our hearts and as a result we don't have true friends, or we think we don't because they don't really know us after all.

Well, my word for the year is SECURE.  I've been reflecting on it a lot because it's not a word that I would use to describe myself. People who don't know me well probably think I am very confident and secure. What can I say? I am a good actress. But the truth is, I often don't feel like I am enough. Not smart enough, or pretty enough or thin enough or funny enough or cool enough or spiritual enough or....the list is endless really. But what is enough? Is there even such a thing? How is it measured? Am I even a good, impartial judge for any of these things? I'm sure you can guess that the answer is a resounding NO. 

So, I've decided to be secure. Secure in who I am, and what I am. I am a work in progress. I have issues. I am impatient. I am not good at keeping my mouth shut. I am too sarcastic. I have black and white opinions and I share them. I have an old lady living inside of me who hates noise, annoying children and dumb people. I have baggage from friendships that have gone south. But. I am also fiercely loyal. I am thoughtful. If I love you, it's with my whole heart. I am friendly but my circle of close friends is actually extremely small. Love me or leave me, but I am choosing to be secure and enough. It's a choice I'll have to keep making because there are a lot of people who keep trying to show me that I am not enough. 

weekend in Hope

 I have been thinking a lot about rest and peace and Sabbath and what it means to live out of these. To really approach each day from a place of rest as opposed to striving, trying harder, stressing out, worrying... you get the idea. I think in order to live out of a place of rest, you need to press the reset button every once in awhile. To actually stop, and refocus. One of the best ways for me to do this is to get away for a weekend with a friend. I am so fortunate in that we have a cabin to which I can escape and that I have a husband who makes it possible for me to go.

Taking a break from the routine of the ordinary and mundane to just be, to have no responsibilities, no demands, no schedule, and to spend time with a girlfriend is such a welcome break. We sat in the back yard and listened to the birds and the creek, we watched a movie, we ate, we chatted, we went in the sauna, we went for walks, we did whatever we wanted and it was perfect. And so restful. 

But to actually live out of rest goes deeper. Although I feel physically and mentally rested and rejuvenated, living out of a place of perpetual rest involves God and knowing that I am enough. It involves abiding in Him. And this is why spending time with this particular friend is so beautiful. Because in addition to having fun and relaxing and being rejuvenated, we also prayed and discussed the Bible and talked about how we will draw closer to Jesus. It is this rest in God that brings lasting and eternal peace and true rest.

International Women's Day

 I was thinking this morning about women who have inspired me. I've blogged before about the Finnish women that I knew growing up who definitely inspired me. Then there are the women I admire from afar. I don't really know them, but I admire their ideas or their character or their strength. There are also the women I admire for one particular quality or another, but I don't admire them overall. 

As I reflected on who I admire most, I came to the conclusion that it is my friend Serene. It's one thing to admire someone from afar, when you don't really know them. It's something entirely different to admire someone who you know from close up, someone who is in fact your best friend. I can't get into all the reasons I admire her because it would require divulging information about her life. But, it's enough to say that she is a woman of God. She is strong and beautiful and smart. She is true and honest and faithful. She aspires to be closer to God and then does things to actually get her there. She doesn't just talk the talk as they say, she walks the walk. 

So, on this international women's day, I am so grateful for this friend of mine who inspires me, but also chooses to call me friend.

 There is so much beauty in the world if you care to look for it and now, more than ever, we need to find and pause to appreciate the lovely. What better time than the spring, especially a spring on the heels of a year of COVID? Spring is such a hopeful time. There is so much new life and so many signs big and small of renewal. There are tiny green leaves on trees and crocuses and snowdrops and birds. As I walked from my car to the school today, I noticed the purple heather and the bright yellow daffodils that had popped up near the front door of the school. It was a bright sunny day and the students were outside laughing, with no jackets. It set the mood for the whole day.

One place that always makes my day is the forest. It's where I have found the most peaceful beauty in the last year. Moss covered trees and ferns and trails and woodpeckers and quietly babbling brooks. Sunlight breaking in through the trees and mushrooms and smiling (maskless) faces. Laughter and good conversation and quiet moments of just being together with my friend. Recently I learned a new term called forest bathing, or shinrin yoku in Japanese. Apparently there are health benefits associated with walking in nature and being near trees. I'm not surprised. If there is one thing that has consistently brought me moments of joy, it has been walks in the forest with my friend. I am so blessed that I have been able to meet with her for walks; I'm pretty sure the walks and the friendship are what have kept me sane during this pandemic.