In the last few years, there have been some people in my life that I have felt called to mentor or guide. For some reason they have looked to me to guide and/or support them in their faith journey. I have tried my best. Unfortunately, it turns out I can't change anyone. I am not in charge of or responsible for what lessons others are here to learn, or not learn as the case may be. I am happy to share what I have learned. I love a good discussion. I will encourage you, point you to resources, send you links, pray for you and answer your questions. But I won't hold your hand. And I won't spoon feed you. Ultimately, the work is up to you. And if I notice that you are not actually following any of my advice, even though I know you know it's the right thing. Or if I notice that you are depending on me to the extent that you are not putting in any effort yourself, I will stop trying. I can't carry the burden of your growth on my shoulders. This may sound harsh, but I can't grow on your behalf. This has actually been a very hard lesson for me because I care about the spiritual growth of my friends. A lot. But there have been too many friends in my life who have done nothing to grow spiritually. We have had discussions, they know the importance of community and prayer and Bible study. We have agreed on what needs to change and yet they have done nothing. I have gotten frustrated with them, angry even. But at the end of the day, you have to want to change. You can know all the right things to do and not do them. And that's on you. For me, I want each day to bring me closer to the person that I want to become. It's that simple.
Thursday, February 25, 2021
Growth
My friend Mehj is wise and a lot smarter than me. She has given me sage advice more than once and she is probably the most thoughtful person I know. We became friends in grade 11 and have remained so for decades. One thing about her used to make me wonder though. She's a teacher too and I remember her often saying (usually in reference to her then boyfriend) that she was not here to facilitate anyone's growth. I would laugh, but wonder how she could say that, especially as a teacher. Isn't our main purpose to facilitate the growth of others? I finally get it all these years later.
In the last few years, there have been some people in my life that I have felt called to mentor or guide. For some reason they have looked to me to guide and/or support them in their faith journey. I have tried my best. Unfortunately, it turns out I can't change anyone. I am not in charge of or responsible for what lessons others are here to learn, or not learn as the case may be. I am happy to share what I have learned. I love a good discussion. I will encourage you, point you to resources, send you links, pray for you and answer your questions. But I won't hold your hand. And I won't spoon feed you. Ultimately, the work is up to you. And if I notice that you are not actually following any of my advice, even though I know you know it's the right thing. Or if I notice that you are depending on me to the extent that you are not putting in any effort yourself, I will stop trying. I can't carry the burden of your growth on my shoulders. This may sound harsh, but I can't grow on your behalf. This has actually been a very hard lesson for me because I care about the spiritual growth of my friends. A lot. But there have been too many friends in my life who have done nothing to grow spiritually. We have had discussions, they know the importance of community and prayer and Bible study. We have agreed on what needs to change and yet they have done nothing. I have gotten frustrated with them, angry even. But at the end of the day, you have to want to change. You can know all the right things to do and not do them. And that's on you. For me, I want each day to bring me closer to the person that I want to become. It's that simple.
In the last few years, there have been some people in my life that I have felt called to mentor or guide. For some reason they have looked to me to guide and/or support them in their faith journey. I have tried my best. Unfortunately, it turns out I can't change anyone. I am not in charge of or responsible for what lessons others are here to learn, or not learn as the case may be. I am happy to share what I have learned. I love a good discussion. I will encourage you, point you to resources, send you links, pray for you and answer your questions. But I won't hold your hand. And I won't spoon feed you. Ultimately, the work is up to you. And if I notice that you are not actually following any of my advice, even though I know you know it's the right thing. Or if I notice that you are depending on me to the extent that you are not putting in any effort yourself, I will stop trying. I can't carry the burden of your growth on my shoulders. This may sound harsh, but I can't grow on your behalf. This has actually been a very hard lesson for me because I care about the spiritual growth of my friends. A lot. But there have been too many friends in my life who have done nothing to grow spiritually. We have had discussions, they know the importance of community and prayer and Bible study. We have agreed on what needs to change and yet they have done nothing. I have gotten frustrated with them, angry even. But at the end of the day, you have to want to change. You can know all the right things to do and not do them. And that's on you. For me, I want each day to bring me closer to the person that I want to become. It's that simple.
Thursday, February 18, 2021
Lament
I was telling my best friend something about my dad the other day and I started crying. Again. She has seen me cry a lot in the last year. It has been over 14 months since my dad died and even though I am no longer completely bereft, the underlying grief is always there. Not once has my friend rolled her eyes or said anything that wasn't supportive. She hasn't told me to cheer up or asked why am I STILL crying. But I find her patience and willingness to let me grieve unusual.
Because the truth is that most people are uncomfortable with prolonged sadness or grief or illness or anything else negative. People want to hear how you overcame, how you healed, how you feel better now. Your grief, sadness, mourning, illness make them feel uncomfortable. At my father's memorial service, someone actually told my mom to cheer up and not cry. I want to think that the person was trying to be helpful, but she sure wasn't. Now that it's been over a year, people just assume my mom is over it. I mean, it must be easier, right? All the milestones have passed: first birthday, first Christmas, first Valentine's etc without my dad. And yes, in some ways it is easier. But in some ways it isn't and people do not want to hear that. They want to be assured that things get better, that time heals all wounds, that grieving is tidy and follows a one year schedule... blah blah blah. People are uncomfortable with lingering sadness that outlasts whatever time they deem appropriate.
People are also uncomfortable with prolonged (especially unexplained) illness. Pentti has been unwell for about 18 months. I blogged previously that he had cancer and I am so grateful that the cancer is gone. But, he has other issues related to his surgery and other health challenges. He had some tests done and they were inconclusive. So, he has to wait and have more tests. So when people ask me how he is, I don't know what to answer. Again, they want to hear that he's better and everything is great. But the truth is more complicated than that.
And that's where lament comes in. Lament allows for mourning what is, when we wish things were different. We don't always have to get over things. Life's troubles don't always have clear start and end dates. Things are messy and unclear and take longer than expected. We can get through things with prayer and lament, but we don't always get over them. Sometimes a time of prolonged sadness is exactly what we need. I think there is something profoundly beautiful in lamenting that we are frail and limited and broken. And it is from that place that we turn to God, to the resurrection of Easter, to the eternal hope of all things one day being made right.
Friday, February 12, 2021
You Hold Me Up
I recently heard read a lovely children's book called You Hold Me Up. I decided to borrow the idea from the book and make my own list of things that hold me up. These are things that my friends have done that have held me up especially in the last year during the pandemic. I thought about listing specific people and what they've done, but changed my mind. If you know me well, you will recognize who some of the comments are about, and you may also recognize which ones are about you...
You hold me up when you...
-hug me
-sing to me
-hold my hand
-pray for me and with me
-say let's not wait too long to have that lunch
-have coffee waiting for me
-schedule me regularly into your life
-share food with me
-text: "I am so glad you are you"
-empathize
-ask me how my day was
-tell me I am beautiful
-allow me to be myself
-understand me
-message me
-send me (snail) mail
-laugh with me
-call me your friend
-cook for me
-listen to me
-send me funny memes
-encourage me
-smile
-put your arm through mine
-study and learn with me
-sit with me
-tell me what's on your heart
-use sayings that are ours only
-walk with me
-comfort me
-listen to me cry
-let me lean my head on your shoulder
-tell me you love me
You hold me up. I hold you up. We hold each other up.
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