Day fortyfour

I've started going for two walks on some days. I still go around the golf course every day, but Pentti often joins me. This is ok, except that then I have to keep up with him, and he wants to talk, lol. I think he misses being around people. He is an extrovert and I think he misses people in general. I find this weird. I am an introvert, I don't miss being around people. I am happy at home. But, I do miss specific people, my people. There aren't that many of them, but I miss them all the more.

Anyway, today he joined me on my walk. I was so annoyed because I ran part of the trail and he STILL caught up with me. I blame his crazy long legs. Ah well. 

In the evening, I went for another walk. By myself. I like the cool air in the evening and there are way less people out. The hard core exercise people tend to be out during the day. In the evening, it's mostly people walking their dogs and people out for a stroll. There is a different vibe and since I've already done my walk that I consider a workout, I don't feel any particular need to walk for any specific amount of time or keep a certain pace. 

I also sat out on the deck today. It was actually raining when I sat out there, but I was under blankets and the heat lamp was on. It was so lovely to sit out there with my tea and listen to the sound of the rain falling. 

Day fortyone

I am tired of being at home. I am tired of having nowhere to go. I am tired of not seeing my friends. I'm just tired. Period. I am usually a fairly efficient person. But give me all the time in the world and no deadlines and I actually get nothing done. On the other hand, give me schedules and timelines and lots to do and I get it all done. I work well under pressure and often do my best work that way. So now, with one day bleeding into the next with no reason to get up, or to get anything done, I feel like I am wasting away. Thank God I have walking trails near me, so I have at least gotten some exercise. But, the house is a disaster. I would have lots of time to clean it, one floor, or even one room at a time. Do you think that I have? Nope. Turns out lack of time was not the issue. I hate housework. Who knew.

Day forty

What day is it? Does it even matter? Do weekends even exist anymore? Every day is just like the next one. Of course there are certain things that happen only on certain days of the week, but every day still feels like the one before it. For someone who likes order and schedules and planning, this current situation is not my dream. I have to admit I was fed up yesterday. I didn't want to get out of bed because I didn't want to face another day of quarantine. I did eventually get up, but I was pretty cranky all day. Pentti, the gem that he is, now calls me spicy whenever I get annoyed/frustrated/angry. This is because the other morning we had the following conversation:

P: are you going for your walk?
Me: it's raining and you know they say that girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice.
P: you'll be fine. You're mostly spice.

Matias turned 15 last weekend. He didn't really want anything special. He is so easygoing and low key like his dad. His grade five teacher told me that he wished all his students were as even-tempered as Matias. I can't believe he's so much taller than me and has been for quite some time. For his birthday, he asked for a desk to do homework, because that's just the kind of kid he is. He did also ask for sushi and donuts, so we did go ahead and do that.
I've blogged so much about my regular activities: walking in the forest, zoom calls, cooking, church etc. There is not a lot out of the ordinary happening right now. But, even the smallest change can make a difference in my day.  The other day I ran into my neighbour in the carport. She is 82 and quite caustic, but with a great sense of humour. We have had some great conversations over the last 18 years that we have lived here and this was no different. She offered to let me hide in her basement if my family gets to be too much, lol. If I showed up at her door, I have no doubt that she would actually let me hide out there! She was also very sweet when my dad was dying. She prayed for him and she hugged me and was a shoulder to cry on. This would probably shock my other neighbours who complain that she is so negative, but they just don't understand her. She hides a very soft heart underneath it all.
Today was technically a work day. Teaching online to 5 year olds is a joke, especially when we have to use a platform that isn't even user friendly for adults. I updated my blog. I did get assignments emailed to me from 4 students, out of 18. But online teaching in kindergarten just doesn't work.
I'm tired. I hope this ends soon.

Day thirtythree

I went to school today. There were three parents that were coming in to pick up their children's belongings and supplies. It was so nice to connect with them, especially one really nice dad who's son is one of my favourite students. It's funny how great parents also often have great kids. Go figure, lol. I also saw a couple of my students who are in the after school program run by the school. But the whole place was pretty deserted. Still, it felt good to be there. Normal. I talked to the principal, I puttered around my classroom. It was a welcome break from being in my house for the last five weeks. Before I left, I made a "we miss you" sign for the window because we really do.
I also went for a walk with Lesley, and zoomed with Wendy. In the evening, I had a dance party with my kids followed by nachos. It was a good day.

Day thirtytwo

Tomorrow I am working. Except I will be at home and so will my students. It's going to be weird. I miss being at school. I will actually be stopping by there, but there will be no one there other than a few families who are coming by to pick up some materials. After that, I will come home. All assignments and teaching needs to happen online right now. I spent a lot of time thinking about what that would look like and what I thought would work best for the families. Since I only work Fridays, I have decided to do a Friday blog. It's easy to navigate and no one has to sign in. I am hoping that it will allow students to actually do some work independently, rather than needing the constant support and supervision of their parents. We'll see. It's a work in progress, as is this whole way of teaching for most people. 

Did I already say that I miss school? Teaching kindergarten is so fun with all the singing and dancing. There is no way to replicate that online. The dance parties we had in my class especially if Emelyn was there as the support worker were so fun. I miss the fun. And the connections. And the kids who would spontaneously say weird or funny things. I really hope that the schools do actually reopen before the end of the school year as some have hinted. Fingers crossed.

(The picture is one of my students after a big buddy made her a flower crown at the park.)

Day thirtyone

I zoomed with  my "tribe" this morning for over an hour. I've blogged about them before, but I am just so grateful for these ladies. When we chat, there are no filters. Some of the things that we say should probably not be said out loud, but it is so refreshing to not have to worry about that. We have a regular chat set up on Wednesday mornings and it varies every week who is able to make it. Today, there were five of us.
We are starting a new Bible study together next month. Unfortunately, it will be online like everything else these days, but maybe we can have our usual coffee times in person before it's over. I am so excited to be starting a new study and these ladies are the best ones to be doing it with. We were all in the study together last year and four of us the year before that as well. It's so meaningful to study the Bible with ladies who are so real. I've been in too many studies where everyone wears a mask and tries to give the "right" answers. I don't think that is helpful to anyone. But, it's also really hard to find a group of people who feel safe enough to share their authentic selves. My Bible study ladies, for better or worse, are honest and open and that makes for true fellowship. I can't wait!

Day thirty

Our days have a strange, chaotic rhythmn to them. We don't follow a schedule exactly, but every day tends to include the following:
-kids doing homework. I am so happy with how their school has organized their learning. They seem to have an appropriate amount and they are able to work on it independently. I am a firm believer that homework is for kids, not for parents. I actually don't normally believe in homework at all, but that's a discussion for another day, lol.
-my walk in the woods. Thank God it continues to not be too busy. The city has also done a good job of putting up signs and designating different areas for different activities.
-the kids playing outside. They climb the big tree out front, or play hockey in the yard, or sometimes I let them get away with reading on the deck as part of their outdoor time.
-fend for yourself lunch. We are not big lunch eaters around here and get up at very different times. So, although Emmi requires some help, the kids generally make their own lunches. Joonas often makes scrambled eggs, or nachos or even grilled cheese. Both boys can cook a fair number of simple things on their own, which I think is great.
-dinner together. Pentti or I cook dinner. We eat together, we pray, we say what we're grateful for. I bet there are a lot of families that are eating together these days since the craziness of sports schedules is gone. I think this is a blessing.
-Pentti working from home, in various rooms of the house
-laundry, cleaning, dishes, kids fighting
-electronics time
-quiet reading

Day twentyeight

Happy Easter! Easter Sunday and the glory of resurrection has never felt more weighty and meaningful than today. Such hope and joy and gladness. I watched several church services this morning, but the most meaningful part of my day was walking outside and listening to worship music and my prayer app. It was a beautiful sunny day and the glory of resurrection and life after death was so much at the top of my mind all day. Partly because these are dark days and sometimes it seems like all hope is lost. But also because of my father's death. But there is hope, eternal hope in fact. I am so glad for that!

Day twentyseven

When your day starts out with the husband delivering coffee when you are still in bed, you know it's going to be a good day. I don't know what possessed him, but I'm obviously not complaining. My second cup of coffee was on the deck outside. Alone. We set it up yesterday and it's another space to escape to. It is still a little chilly, so I am the only one who ventures out there and I am totally fine with that. I have my shawl and a heat lamp and it's actually quite toasty. Is it very selfish of me to not share this information? I think not. It's not a secret that we have a heat lamp, so I figure I don't need to remind them...I sat out there many times today and it was quiet and escapist and perfect.

Today is Holy Saturday and this year unlike other years, the waiting is very real. Holy Saturday signifies the waiting between Good Friday and Easter Sunday. One has ended, but the light and resurrection of Easter morning has not yet come. And it feels like the whole world is in a waiting pattern. We've been thrown into chaos and the unknown and we're waiting. No one knows what life will look like on the other side. So, we wait. And hope. And pray. 

Day twenty six

Today is Good Friday. It was very strange to not go to church. But, since everyone is online, there sure are a lot of options these days. I actually ended up watching three different Good Friday services. They were all very different. My own church had made a video with just Scripture readings and some music. I thought it was really well done and powerful. One of the other services I watched had three mini sermons and music. I have to say that none of those three sermons touched me as deeply as the video from my church where various people just read Scripture aloud.
I did my usual walk. They've now put up signs that the trail is one way only, I guess to help with social distancing. The unfortunate (?) thing is that they've set the direction as counterclockwise, which is the more challenging way to walk the trail. Argh. But, if it's mandated, I guess I have no choice but to work even harder on my 4 km walk, which by the way ends up being 5km when you calculate it from door to door.
I had a long zoom chat with my best friend today. Not getting to spend time with her is the worst. But it was so nice to have a long chat. Video calls are actually surprisingly lovely. You can almost feel like you are out having coffee together. Almost. It's definitely better than phone calls, where you can't even see the person's face.
Today was a good Friday in every sense of the word.

Day twentyfive

I haven't blogged for the last few days. It's surprising how busy one can be despite being stuck at home. Also, it feels a little like there is more of a routine to our days and so I'm not so inclined to blog.
Shirley, pastor Bert's wife died. That's so heartbreaking especially when you consider he's grieving alone in the hospital. She was such a generous, warm person. I didn't see her that often in recent years, but when I did, she was always the same lovely, welcoming friendly person.
I've gone for walks and the weather has been beautiful. I am actually going to get my minions to clean the deck on the weekend. Since we have a heat lamp, I will go sit out there for sure. It's one more space to go. I am finding having people in my space all the time quite taxing. I need a lot of time alone to recharge and I am sorely lacking in that department these days. Today, Pentti was disappointed he couldn't join me on my walk, but I was relieved. That 50 minute walk by myself is necessary to maintain my sanity.
I've had to talk on the phone this week. A lot. It hasn't been all that bad, but I think I have mentioned before how much I hate the telephone. I know these are small hardships, but like one of my favourite bloggers said today, your hard is still hard. It might not be death or total devastation, but it's still hard.
So, I leave you with one of my favourite quotes from Tolkien which gives me hope.

Day twentytwo

It would appear that I vacillate between being grateful for this time to slow down and being frustrated by all that's happening (or not happening). I suppose that's normal. We are often a mixed bag of emotions and this unprecedented time certainly brings up a lot of feelings. But, I consider it a good day when I lean more heavily on the side of gratitude and find joy in the small things of this new existence. 
Today was a good day. I had an online meeting in the morning, which was awful to get up for. But, my best friend was on the call too and made me laugh. I told her she needs to warn me when she's going to make me laugh because otherwise I get caught in unexpected hysterics. Ah well, I don't really care if the others thought I was a little crazy. I did have to turn off the video though because I couldn't stop laughing at her comments. The best part is that no one else in the group has any idea that she is funny at all, or that we were texting on the "side". That just makes it more hilarious.
We had an online meeting with Emmi's teacher in the afternoon. She is awesome. We had a great talk. The boys meanwhile had a (church) youth meeting online. The youth leaders have been so good about keeping in touch with the youth. There is a strong sense of community there.
Other highlights included my daily walk (alone), listening to podcasts, afternoon coffee in the sunshine on my front step, a zoom call with choir, texting with friends and writing a couple of cards. I have long neglected writing letters and cards, not even bothering to send out Christmas cards for the last few years. But, I love to write and I find it easy. I used to write letters to people all the time. So, I've decided that one of the things I can do is send random notes and letters in the mail in order to (hopefully) cheer people up. Who doesn't like getting a card or letter in the mail, as opposed to the junk mail and bills that we are inundated with. 
Tomorrow is another day. And it's one day closer to this pandemic being over. Goodnight my friends.

Day twentyone

Today is Palm Sunday. It feels so weird to not be able to go to church during holy week. I miss church so much. But, I'm not gonna lie, it is kind of nice to get up for church and just walk downstairs in my pajamas, sit on the couch with a cup of coffee and watch online. This morning, Pentti asked if I thought I'd make it to church today when I was still in bed five minutes before the livestream started, haha. I did make it, thank you very much, and it was lovely.
I went for two walks today because it was so beautiful out. I made Greek food. I had a lovely chat on zoom with my friend Wendy. I played cards with Emmi. I texted with my friends. It was a pretty good day. I have much to be grateful for. 
But. 
I am not feeling grateful today. I am mourning all the things I can't do. I get why, I really do. But I am still sad and frustrated. I am an introvert who loves being home, but now I am never alone. Ever. I can't go to church. I miss my friends so much. I can't go to work and need to figure out some way to teach online. Starbucks is closed. I can't celebrate any of my nieces or nephews who have birthdays this month. I can't get my hair cut or get a pedicure. I can't pop into the Gap to see what new stuff they have for spring. Choir is cancelled. I was supposed to be at a concert today which was cancelled. Another concert I had scheduled for next week is postponed. I know these are not really hardships, but I am still mourning their loss. This sucks.

Day nineteen

Today's highlights included freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, poker, sunshine, a zoom chat, texts, a walk, cleaning the house, and lots of laughter. It is such a strange season of beautiful simplicity and terrible anxiety. There is so much time at home to do things like baking and reading and relaxing. At the same time, there is so much anxiety and missing of friends and fear. I don't quite know how to reconcile them. So, I am trying to enjoy the good moments and not dwell too much in the worry and fear. Sometimes I wonder whether I am burying my head in the sand, but what would depression and worry really help? How would that improve anything? Plus, I think of my kids. I don't want them to be anxious over things that they have no control over. I want them to look back on this time and think it was kind of beautiful the time that we all spent at home with no school, no lessons, no sports. The kids have actually gotten along surprisingly well. We make them go outside every day since we have a yard. They often choose to play together or climb the big tree that's in front of our kitchen window. I love that. Not everything about this time is terrible. I choose to find joy in the good.

Day eighteen

It feels ironic to be blogging ever day in a season when everything is cancelled and nothing is happening. And yet, the everyday of meal prep, buying food, getting exercise, being with my kids, devotions, texts with friends have not changed. No, I can't go to the gym, but I am trying to walk every day. Walking in nature is so healing for me that I may actually be getting more exercise than normal during my daily walks. No, I am not meeting up with friends, but I am texting, messaging and video calling with them. No, I am not going daily to the stores, but I have food and shelter. I am grateful.
And, I am at peace. Yes, I am worried about economic devastation. Yes, I wonder what the world will look like in a few months. And yet. I have peace. I know who is in control. I know that even though I think Dr Bonnie Henry is amazing, she is not ultimately in charge. And so I have peace.
I went for my daily walk. Yesterday, Pentti joined me and "forced" me to walk the trail the more challenging (counterclockwise) way. Today, I got to go alone and walk at my own pace. To listen to worship music and a prayer app. It was beautiful. I messaged with all my favourite people. I watched a livestream of worship and prayer. I ate a home-cooked meal with my family. I listened to my favourite bloggers. I laughed with my kids. I prayed. There were lots of daffodils.
Today was a very good day.

Day seventeen

I've blogged about my church before and how much I love it. During this time of crisis, that appreciation has become even more pronounced. Sometimes during hard times, you get disappointed because things/people you thought were good and could be counted on, fell apart. Not so with my church. There are daily devotions on you tube. There are separate daily devotions for youth. There are zoom prayer times, zoom youth meetups, recorded sermons, and I don't even know what all. 
On Wednesday nights, our pastor has decided to teach through one book of the Bible every week. Yes, it's ambitious, but he has proven it can be done, and done well. Tonight he taught through Ecclesiastes (which I love). It was so good. Amazing actually. So, that was one of my highlights for today.
But today also included a walk in the sunshine, Emmi's tooth falling out, making delicious Greek food, texting with friends and discovering a free app for reading (for the kids). And of course lots of music and coffee. Always.