Church!!

Yesterday fed my soul. Churches were allowed to reopen for worship for the first time since November. We went together as a family and it felt so normal, but also holy and sacred. Honestly, I have loved getting up for church for the last five years every single Sunday. It's a joy. But, I have to admit, that not having been able to attend for almost seven months made it that much more special. 

No the church is not a building. Yes, we did online church faithfully every week. Yes, we also attended community group online. But, being together with my people in that beloved building was beautiful. Hearing the preaching live. Taking communion together. Seeing some of my friends. So, although church is not a building, I won't pretend that gathering together physically doesn't matter because it does. Even with all the restrictions, being together beats online every time. I pray that we're able to continue. 

Re-enchant

"They say we live in a 'disenchanted' world. But that narrative dissolves the moment we stare at the stars, walk with fireflies and shout with the thunder. Re-enchant the world today with joys gained from simple beauties." I love this quote so much. It encapsulates what I have been trying to do with looking for joy and beauty in the everyday.

On Saturday, we found a lot of little joys; the forest, bright green leaves, birds singing, sunshine, coffee, the beach. Time with my friend always fills me up. But the image that stuck with me was of her sitting on a garden bench eating ice cream and swinging her legs in the sunshine. I mean, who doesn't get joy from ice cream, but it was such a beautiful carefree moment of pure, unadulterated happiness. It still makes me smile.

Question: part two

If you read my earlier post about questioning, you'd know that I always question things. You cannot be discerning if you don't ask questions. I still believe this wholeheartedly. But I have a small problem. I came across someone else's writing about questions from the same writing challenge that I did last week. And she said, "when question everything becomes a stand-in for 'trust no one', it turns inward on itself". Oh dear. You see, I have a really, really hard time trusting people. So, even though I stand by my belief that questions are good, perhaps I need to re-evaluate. If questioning everything and everyone does indeed lead to trusting no one, then that leads to a quagmire of doubt that is really hard to climb out of. You can't live your life not trusting anyone. So, perhaps questions need to be limited after someone has proven that they can in fact be trusted. At some point you have to take some degree of risk and just decide to trust someone.

I do have a friend that I trust. She has never been anything but trustworthy. She has told me that our friendship is unconditional. This actually really shocked me when she said it. I had always considered friendships to be conditional. That we'd be friends, but then if it stopped being fun or convenient or easy, the friendship would end. Not so with this particular friend. We've talked about being committed to the friendship. Sometimes there is friction or misunderstanding or annoyance. But we have discussed the fact that we will work through whatever comes, that we will talk about it. We have recognized that a close friendship can sometimes be a lot of work. But we are determined to remain friends. 

But getting back to questioning....if you asked her whether I've ever questioned her, or doubted her or been wary, she'd have to tell you that I have. And that's really terrible. She is my closest friend. She has never been anything besides true and honest and trustworthy. She is the one friend that I am sure of.

And there you have it. Questioning is a good thing. But, so is trust. So, once again, as with everything else in life, there needs to be a balance.

Purpose

Today is the last day of the writing challenge and today's word is PURPOSE. In theory, this one seems too easy: love God and love people. Everything I aspire to can be summed up in those two statements, which are also how Jesus summed up the ten commandments. Theoretically, it can't be that hard, right? Except. In practice, these two things are incredibly challenging.

Let's start with loving God. I know His attributes, I trust Him, I know He loves me, so He's easy to love. The problem is that I love a lot of other things too and they often take over. I love my family, my friends. I love comfort and financial security and good health. Loving these things is not a problem as long as they don't become the focus of my life, but sadly, they often do. Meanwhile, truly loving God means putting Him first.

Then, there's the "problem" of loving people. In theory, I have a vast love for all mankind. But, I'm just not so sure about my neighbour specifically. She is annoying and hates Christians and is always watching our every move. And my other neighbours, well they have a screaming child, a baby and a dog. And then there's my coworker who is kind of weird. I could go on. And on. But if I don't love my "neighbours", then I can't claim to love God. Well that kinda sucks now, doesn't it?! So that means I struggle with loving both my neighbour and with loving God. And ain't that the truth. 

But, I press on because I believe that as I grow in my faith, my love for God and people will grow. And that is my purpose pure and simple.

Question

Today's word for the writing challenge is QUESTION. I think asking questions is good. I believe that one should always, always think for oneself and ask questions. It doesn't matter who is telling me something whether politician or pastor, I WILL question whether what you are telling me is true and right. 

Critical thinking is important, right? It should be encouraged, shouldn't it? It's even in the curriculum to teach children as a vital skill. So why then are questions in fact discouraged? Asking the "wrong" questions that go against whatever narrative the media is currently spewing get you immediately labelled if not verbally attacked. There is no room for discussion, let alone seeing more than one point of view. I find this extremely dangerous.

Middle

Today's writing challenge word is: MIDDLE. For me, being a creature of comfort and the familiar, the middle is a great place to be. Of course it depends somewhat on what we're talking about. If it's pain or illness or suffering of some kind, being in the middle isn't so great. If I'm in the middle of a long transatlantic flight and I still have as many hours left as I've flown, I'm less than thrilled. But, it's also true that if I'm in the middle, even one step forward means I'm closer to the end than the beginning and that is a good thing. 

But if I'm in the middle of something I actually enjoy, I love being in the middle. I don't generally like beginnings because they're full of unknowns. I really don't like endings because I am terrible with goodbyes and the deflated feeling of something being over. But the middle? That's my favourite place to be. In a restaurant, it means your food has arrived and you've already dug in. Out for a walk, it means you're about to start your way back to the car. Reading a novel, you're in the best part of story development. During a weekend away, it means I've settled in and there is still ample time left.

If you know me at all, saying I love the middle is somewhat ironic for this black and white thinker. I don't have neutral, in the middle feelings very often. But, as the middle is becoming increasingly rare, I find myself gravitating toward the middle also in my thinking. The world is alarmingly polarized. Every issue is either ultra left or ultra right. You're either 100 % behind the government narrative around COVID or you're an antivaxxer, conspiracy theorist. Moderation doesn't seem to exist anymore. But I am stubbornly insisting that there is in fact still a middle. This does not mean that I promote unending compromise and settling on the lowest common denominator. But it does mean trying to consider both sides of an issue. It does mean thinking about things for myself and discussing them with a trusted friend. I think more people should aspire to be in the middle.

Remember

There is a story in the Bible about the Israelites crossing the Jordan River. As they are crossing, God tells them to gather 12 rocks, one for each of the tribes. The rocks are to serve as a reminder. Because God knows our propensity to forget. The Bible is in fact full of celebrations and feasts that are meant to serve as reminders. The biggest one we still observe today is communion. A reminder. Because we forget. It is actually quite terrible how easily we forget God's provision and faithfulness. The situation or crisis passes and the memory of how God was present in the midst of it all fades. So, we need to be more deliberate in reminding ourselves. Of remembering.

I am trying to be grateful every day for God's faithfulness. That doesn't mean that my life has been without any hardship. But in recalling how good God has been in the past helps me to trust Him in the future. Besides, it's in the difficult situations that I have felt the love of God more acutely than during the sunny carefree days. He has been so faithful through job loss, Emmi's traumatic birth, Pentti's cancer, my dad's cancer and death, multiple surgeries, my brother Tim's multiple life and death situations, I could go on and on. And I am sure that there are countless times and ways that God has been present and I haven't even realized it. So today, I am remembering and I am grateful.

Story

Today's blogging challenge word is STORY. I thought I would write the story of Pentti and I.

We met in 1996 when Pentti came to Canada for a visit. He drove me crazy. I don't really remember why, but he seriously annoyed me. But, he was staying at my parent's house and I still lived at home, so I saw him a lot. He would actually stay up to watch (late night) Fashion Television with me, which is hilarious now. I kind of knew he must like me, but the feeling was not mutual. A friend of mine loves to tell a story about how she first saw Pentti as a grape went flying at him (from my hand) as she came up the stairs for a youth group party. Again, I don't remember why, but he must have deserved it, lol. Anyway, he went back to Finland and that was that. At Christmas he came back for a visit, but I hardly saw him since I was dating a guy named Peter at the time. Apparently Pentti had come to see me, but I guess that was a bit of a wasted trip. Poor guy.

I didn't see him again until the summer of 1998. I was housesitting for my aunt and uncle and he came there to say hello. This time things were different. We started dating. We went to see the movie Armageddon. We spent time together and I liked his company. But, he returned to Finland again. This time we kept in touch over email. There was a lot of letter writing, which is actually a pretty good way to get to know someone. He came back to visit in the fall, but since we didn't want my family knowing we were dating, he came under the guise of my editing his master's thesis. I can't remember whether I actually looked at his thesis, but that was the official "story". I remember my maternal grandmother calling my mom to say that maybe Pentti should stay at their house so that he could have peace and quiet to work on his thesis. Clearly she was in the dark. My paternal grandmother, however, was more astute. Even though no one knew what was really happening, she declared that she knew exactly why Pentti kept coming back to visit; "he has his eye on Annika". The family disagreed with her, that that definitely wasn't it. My grandmother would not back down, lol. Anyway, when we decided to meet in London after he'd gone home, our relationship could no longer be kept secret.

We had the best time in London. We stayed in the tiniest little hotel. We walked everywhere. We ate pastries and italian food and visited museums. We went to see Les Miserables. I feel like it rained the whole time, but I hardly noticed. One night he asked me if I'd marry him. I cried. And said yes. But we didn't officially get engaged then and sadly, I don't even remember the date. October something? 

At Christmas, he came to visit Vancouver again. I'm not sure how he had so much time and money to keep flying to Vancouver, but he did. I don't know which of his trips it was that we were crossing the border to go shopping in the States and the customs agent looked at his passport and said, "excuse me sir, do you have a job". Lol. Anyway, on Christmas Eve, he asked me to marry him. We had picked out the ring together; knowing me, he'd never dare to pick one out for me on his own. But, it was still a surprise since we had agreed to wait until the new year when I was going to go to Finland to meet his parents. I'm not too sure whether his parents were happy that we got engaged before they'd even met me, but Pentti made that call, not me. 

The rest is history, as they say. We got married in August of 1999; 22 years ago this summer. A lot can fit into that many years: multiple jobs, kids, cars, vacations, degrees, homes, illness. But looking back over our story thus far, I am truly grateful. God has been faithful and has so clearly had His hand in our lives. On our wedding bands, we had engraved the date, but also the Latin phrase: Deus nos iunxit which means God has joined us. I truly believe that. The story continues....

Refresh

 So today's word prompt for the writing challenge I am doing is: REFRESH. I feel like I have already blogged so much about all the things that I do to refresh myself whether it's reading, meeting a friend, going outside, listening to music, going to Hope etc. I had to really rack my brain to think about what else I do that I might not have blogged about ad nauseum. One thing I'm sure has come up in my writing previously, but maybe not so overtly is being refreshed from being understood and having good conversation. I have spent so much time in my life in crowds of various sizes feeling misunderstood and alone. Just this morning, I was on a zoom call with about 180 other people who I know to varying degrees, and I felt alone. Like I couldn't chat (on the side) with a single person in that group about what I was really thinking. So, to go for a walk and lunch afterward and to share my unfiltered self with my friend was refreshing. I felt understood and loved. 

We also had some really great conversation. We always do and it never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes we disagree, sometimes one of us takes over the conversation in an animated telling of some idea, sometimes we confirm one another's thinking, sometimes we have no answers. But, there is always, always good, deep conversation. And lots of laughter. How refreshing.

Choir

I am doing a writing challenge for fun this week. I just finished a 9 month long Bible study on the book of Genesis, so I thought that it would be a good time to challenge myself in other ways. So, I signed up for this writing challenge. Every day I will be emailed a one word writing prompt. I can then write about that word in any way that I wish. This morning, the word was: VOICE. So, I thought I would write about choir.

I sang in a gospel choir in Vancouver for three years. I really miss it. Because of COVID, the choir went virtual this year and I decided to take a break. But I miss the community. I miss the buzz of concert weekend. I miss waiting anxiously in the green room, or in the concrete stairwell on the way onto the stage. I miss my friends. I miss running across the street to Starbucks. I miss choir retreat in Whistler. I miss the look the director would give us when a song was going particularly well.

But I also miss using my voice. There has been way too little singing in the last year. I still sing at home and in the car, but it's not the same as singing together. In the choir, our voices came together to make a beautiful sound. Anyone who knows me, knows I do not like group work, I prefer to do things alone. But singing is different. You can't achieve the same sound or the same feeling singing alone as you can surrounded by a bunch of other voices. There is nothing quite like that feeling of a song coming together after months of practice, the timing being perfect, the audience clearly loving it.

I think the loss of music during COVID has made things extra hard. Corporate worship at church has been cancelled. Currently we aren't meeting at all, but even when we do, singing will not be returning in the same way, not for some time. Frankie's Jazz Club, which I used to visit fairly often is closed. At school, I can't sing with my kindergarteners. What a sad year of kindergarten when you can't even sing together. I think the therapy that music provides has been largely missing during this time and it has made things that much worse.

But next weekend, I will use my voice! My choir is putting out an online concert and I will be watching. And singing. I can't wait!