Grateful

It's been a rough week, I'm not gonna lie. But I'm not going to dwell on it since it's gone. What I do want to write about are those amazing people who show up when you need them. The friend who tells you to call her from emergency so she can basically talk you off a ledge and then manages to make you laugh. The friend who delivers a delicious dinner so you don't have to cook. The friend who offers to come sit with you if you need her. The friends who text and call and ask how they can help and show up.
I am so blessed to have friends that I know I can count on. Even if we haven't been in contact that much lately, I know who will come through for me. Those beautiful people who show you love when life sucks, they are the ones worth keeping around. For them, I am so grateful.

Trials

Do you believe God is good and trustworthy? What if your life goes sideways? Does that somehow change who God is? Bad things happen to good people all the time. Should I use my circumstances to decide what God is like? Or should I use my understanding of God to help me through my circumstances? Last year when my dad had cancer, the thing that carried me through was my absolute faith that God is good and He is sovereign. There were some very dark days and I was often less than joyful. But, deep down, I knew God loved me and He was in control. I have blogged previously about all the clear ways that we saw the hand of God in a lot of what happened during my dad's illness.

Well, I'm in the same trial again. Sort of. Pentti got diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. The same cancer my dad died from. Now what? Do I rail against a God who would allow this again? Do I complain about how unfair life is? God would certainly understand. But, would that help me? Anger and frustration can be cathartic sometimes, but I don’t find them ultimately helpful. Or hopeful. So, instead I go back to who I know God is and I review again how His hand was so clearly evident in all the events surrounding my dad’s illness. As the song lyric goes, "there's just too much proof in my life".

I was so encouraged by an online devotion from my church from the book of James. James is all about how trials produce perseverance. The speaker was talking about how when you go through a trial, it reveals where you have faith and where you don't. Through the trial, your faith (hopefully) grows. The next time you are hit with a trial, maybe even the very same kind of trial, you notice that your faith is stronger than it was last time and you have less fear. Fear is all about the what if, but faith is about even if. Whatever happens, God is good and loving.

So, I choose to see this second trial as an opportunity to see how I’ve changed. I notice that I am stronger and my faith in God is even more unshakeable. No, I'm not perfect and I have had moments of crying and despair to my best friend. But, I am hopeful. And more importantly, I know who to turn to. Even though my father died, I turn to God even more trustingly than before. This may seem strange and perhaps even illogical and crazy to some. But, knowing and trusting God means nothing happens without His knowledge. I am not left wondering whether He missed the fact that cancer was developing inside Pentti. It did not somehow escape His knowledge that I just finished the cancer trial of a loved one seven months ago. He is in control. Whatever happens, He loves me and He is sovereign. That is all I need to know to carry me through. Even when I'm afraid.

Hope- Day 4

So, a glorious four days in Hope came to an end today. The weather was spectacular and warm, but not too hot the entire time. But we also spent a lot of time sitting in the backyard by the creek which had a lovely cooling effect. It really is a beautiful spot to sit and listen to the creek and admire all the greenery. I could sit back there for hours.
This morning, I woke up pretty early. By 8am, the neighbours started banging on whatever home reno project they have going on. I was annoyed for a split second, but then I checked myself. I was relaxed and happy. It was the third morning that I was waking up in Hope with my best friend. A little noise was NOT going to ruin my gratitude and joy. So, instead I got up early to make breakfast. Because I was up early, we were actually able to have a leisurely breakfast before our regular Thursday morning Bible study over zoom with 8 others. My Thursday mornings are usually far from leisurely. But today I had even showered, dressed and put on some makeup before the meeting, lol! Do you know how many zoom meetings I have done in pajamas??? But I digress...
When the discussion ended, we finished cleaning and packing up. We took a few more moments to enjoy the peace and beauty of the creek and then headed toward home. On the way, we stopped for lunch at The Italian. One of the "blessings" of COVID, is that there are still a lot of people who are hesitant to eat out. That means that we were able to just walk in to a popular restaurant and get seated right away without a reservation. In fact, we have been able to do this a lot lately. Anyway, my gnocchi was delicious, like always. Before heading back on the highway, we got some Starbucks. You know what's better than Starbucks coffee? Free Starbucks coffee. Their system wasn't working properly, so the barista decided to just give us our coffees. They were extra delicious.
So, now I am home and that feels good too. I did miss my family. Emmi was so thrilled to see me and I'll be happy to sleep in my own bed. But, what a great four days in Hope. The weather, the company, the house; it was all perfect. This was the first time I had gone away with this particular friend. I wondered whether we would travel well together. I do have some friends I would never take a trip with, we just don't travel well together even though we're friends. Needless to say, I was worried for nothing and our time together was easy and perfect. Last night we had one of those sacred moments of conversation and prayer between friends that I can't even find the words to blog about. And I wouldn't want to even if I could. Have I mentioned how very blessed I am?

Hope - day 3

That pretty well sums it up. We have talked, laughed, prayed, read, walked, sat in silence, eaten; I can't imagine a single friend that I would rather have spent this time with. Whenever I am with her, my love for God grows: partly because of our discussions and partly because I feel so incredibly blessed that He brought her into my life. What a luxury to have been able to spend all this time together. I feel like I have been here for a week, in a good way! 
We went to the Owl Street Cafe for lunch today. It's a cute cafe a little off the beaten path in Hope. There was hardly anyone there and we sat at a table outside and enjoyed our chicken sandwiches. The past few days have been so restful. We've done very little and yet, I haven't had a single moment of boredom or wondering what to do next. I still haven't even cracked open my book; it's looking like it's going to end up being one of those useless things you pack on vacation and then never use.
For dinner we went to Fiesta Loca for Mexican food and it was fabulous. I had fish tacos that were massive and perfectly flavored. The restaurant itself was very colourful; exactly what you'd expect from a Mexican restaurant. After stuffing ourselves, we went for a long walk. It was actually dark by the time we got back to the house. But of course we had to go in the sauna on our last night. 
Tomorrow we are heading home. 

Hope day 2

Waking up to the sounds of the rushing creek and softly singing birds is a lovely way to awaken to a new day. I was so happy, I actually made breakfast. You are truly loved if I make you breakfast, considering how much I generally dislike mornings. If I talk to you before I have even had coffee, you are on a very short list of two people. I'm not sure that my friend knows just how privileged she is, lol. Anyway, eggs on toast, coffee and fresh strawberries. And silence, haha. I mean, we did talk, but we also sat and stared out the window at the glorious sun shining on the trees near the creek.
For the rest of the morning, we did our own thing. Two introverts together on holiday is the best combination possible in my humble opinion. I listened to a lecture and enjoyed the sunshine. I'm not too sure what my friend did and it doesn't matter.
We headed out for lunch. Unfortunately because of COVID, restaurants are still a gamble in terms of whether they are fully open, take out only or closed completely. I know that restaurants are suffering and I have a lot of sympathy. I just really wish that they would keep their websites updated about what the current status of their offerings is. Our first choice was closed for dine in so we ended up driving to Chilliwack. The Thai place we tried there was closed to dine in as well, so we ended up going for Mexican. It was ok. Neither of us would choose to go back, so it wasn't stellar. But, we did go for a nice walk afterward and of course Starbucks.
We ordered takeout for dinner and ate until we were stuffed, so obviously another walk was in order. We walked to the lake. By the time we got back and had warmed up the sauna, it was already 10:30. Good thing we are both night owls at heart. What a glorious relaxing day. 
It's funny because we haven't really DONE anything and yet I've been too busy to pull out my book, or the card game I brought, or hardly even check my social media. But I guess that's the great thing about spending time with a good friend, even doing nothing if it's together, is still something. Standing on the end of the dock watching the last traces of the pink of sunset fade behind the mountains and the birds (and BUGS) flying above the water was one of my favourite moments today, with one of my absolutely favourite people. How'd I get so lucky?

Hope

Today was a fabulous day. In fact, it was so great that I mostly forgot to take pictures. Pentti stayed home with the kids so that I could come to Hope for a few days with a friend. I picked her up just before noon and we headed out. We stopped in Chilliwack for Indian food at The Shandar Hut and it was delicious. Then, we went to the Vedder River for a walk. Neither of us had been there before and it was beautiful. It was also surprisingly treed, so there was some shade, which was much needed on such a hot day. On our way out of Chilliwack we stopped for coffee. Of course. 
We got to Hope around 3:30, I think. I mean who cares what time it was when I don't even know what day it is...lol. Besides, we are on vacation. Anyway, we sat around in the backyard and admired the creek. We chatted. We read. 
We were still so full from lunch that we decided to go to Save On and buy something light and eat at the house. We made soup and open faced sandwiches. We even went for a second walk down to the lake because it was such a nice evening. Then, we went in the sauna. I was shocked that my friend lasted more than 30 minutes. What a trooper, lol. I don't think she had been in a true "Finnish" sauna before, which is of course the only real kind there is....
Now I am here sitting on the couch contemplating whether to open the bag of chips or not. This is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make today...cue the violins...haha. But seriously, what a lovely, relaxing day. I was telling my friend that I have had a house full of people since March 13 when spring break started, which for this introvert has been hard. No, it's not a true hardship, but I am so used to having time to myself during the day and I have had very little of that. Being here, in this quiet house, relaxing with a friend, most especially this particular friend, is a true gift. I am so happy.

The Vedder river

Birthday weekend celebrations

Day two: Today we had a lazy morning. Except stupid crows woke us up at 8am. How does one get rid of crows that caw for an hour at an indecent hour on a Saturday morning? I did manage to fall back asleep after getting earplugs. But not without being annoyed and contemplating getting the kids nerf guns to shoot at them...
Henry and Ruth came over in the late afternoon. We started with cheeses, crackers and wine. Then Henry made us cheese souffles. The only problem was that then we weren't hungry for the actual dinner that we had planned. Not until about 11:15 pm when Pentti and Ruth decided that they wanted something savoury. So, Pentti went outside to grill. Luckily, the rain had stopped by then. At around 12:30am, we decided that bananas flambe and ice cream would hit the spot, so Pentti made those too. Overall, it was a great evening. It makes me sad that this fun is coming to an end. I love my siblings, but no one hangs out as well with us as Henry and Ruth. They're sleeping over, so the fun continues...

Day three: Today was a chill day. Everyone woke up super late and loafed around. We had an early dinner, which we ate outside since the sun came out today. It was beautiful and warm. This called for ice cream for dessert. Pentti recently purchased a Ninja blender and you can make ice cream in it in two minutes. There is no freezer time involved either. We have experimented with a bunch of different ingredients and continue to work on perfecting our recipes. But, it's pretty amazing how quick and easy it is. Not surprisingly the heavier cream you use, the more is tastes like creamy ice cream. But lower fat versions are good too, but the texture is more like frozen yogurt.

This fabulous weekend ended on a sad note; I said goodbye to Ruth today. I probably won't be seeing her before she leaves. I cried (but not in front of her of course). I will miss her a lot. Luckily, I will still be seeing Henry as he leaves a little later than her.

July Birthdays

Ruth and I both have birthdays in July, so we have decided to make this weekend a 3 day celebratory weekend because why not? It's been a weird year of disease and cancer and death, so why not celebrate in style? Today was part one.
We decided to go for afternoon tea to the Neverland Tea Salon. It was a lovely restaurant that neither of us had visited previously. The ambience was perfect and the food was tasty, although I think I still prefer The Secret Garden. But it was a leisurely way to spend an afternoon, especially since we were in no hurry to get anywhere. We wandered around West Broadway and then West 4th before heading home.
At our house, we spent hours on the deck...like 7 hours and counting. (Henry and Ruth are still here as I write this). But like I've blogged before, our hanging out together includes conversation and food, but also just chilling with everyone in their own space. Henry came here straight from work and we decided to have a Mexican theme for dinner. That involved making two kinds of salsa and quesadillas and tacos. It was delicious.
Now Ruth and I are the only ones left on the deck. She is reading and I am blogging. Occasionally we interrupt each other, but we also spend long stretches being silent. And that's perfect for these two introverts. There is nothing more exhausting than spending hours with someone who has an inexplicable need to fill every moment with chatter. I can't handle those kind of people for very long. But I have a few friends, including Ruth, who I will never tire of spending endless amounts of time with because it is not filled with noise. There are moments of comfortable silence. This is huge because comfortable silence is one of my favourite things. Despite how I sometimes come across, I do actually like people. But I generally find socializing draining. Throw in some incessant chatter and/or awkward silences and I want to run away screaming (except I'd be more likely to quietly sneak away and hope that no one notices). But when I am with my people, the ones who know how to be quiet and actually enjoy the silence, I am not drained at all. I love my people.

"I have witnessed all kinds of suffering and I have lived pain, and my life can tell: I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks for early light dappled through leaves and the heavy perfume of wild flowers in early July and the song of crickets on humid nights and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good God gives". Ann Voskamp

I really love Ann Voskamp's writing and the above quote from her Instagram is so true. When I read her book One Thousand Gifts almost ten years ago, I started keeping a gratitude list. I kept it up for years, but have since abandoned the practice. But, it really does change your perspective when you are thankful. And I don't mean generally thankful, I mean thankful to God. Although keeping a list of things you're grateful for is good practice for anyone, it takes on a whole other depth of meaning when that gratitude is directed toward God.
So, I have a lot to be grateful for and I choose joy. Below are some of the random things (big and small) that have brought me joy lately:
-walks in Pacific Spirit park
-good music
-lights on the deck
-lunch dates
-new dresses
-true friendship
-outdoor playdates for the kids
-Bible studies
-trying new restaurants
-meaningful conversations with a close friend
-my house church group

Family Day in Hope

We had a family day in Hope on the weekend. There are now 23 of us and 1 dog, which makes for a lot of food, noise and chaos. Honestly, I wasn't really looking forward to it since I don't deal well with noise. Also, the last time we did a family day in Hope, my dad was there, so I wasn't looking forward to the feelings of sadness. But, I felt like we had to go.
So, on Saturday morning, we packed up and headed to Hope. And you know what? I was pleasantly surprised by how well the day went. There was tonnes of food and laughter. Yes, there were a lot of noisy children; 12 of them. But it was actually really nice to see the kids playing and enjoying the outdoors. During the pandemic, my kids have had very little interaction with other kids and very little time outside. There was frisbee, badminton, biking, walking, catching tadpoles, tag and a bunch of other activities I can't remember.
When things started to get a little out of control, most of the adults and kids left for the beach. That left Ruth and I alone on the porch listening to music, reading and occasionally interrupting each other with idle chatter. I think we sat out there close to two hours. So good.
In the evening, I "timed" it so that I was in the sauna relaxing by myself for an hour. While I was in there, my brother left with his four boys, and my niece and nephew were put to bed. So, by the time I came from the sauna all relaxed and chill, there were only half the kids left. We roasted marshmallows and sat around the fire. 
All in all it was a great day. I am so grateful for my family. Yes, they drive me crazy a lot, but they're also really great people. The biggest blessing is that they are all strong in their faith.

One-In-A-Million

I know...I probably post too much about friendship. But, in my defense, I know all too well the loneliness of not having a close friend. You can, in fact, have lots of friends and still be lonely. You can have fun and laugh and enjoy spending time together, but still feel like something is missing. I have felt that way for a long time.  I have always had friends. I have never had a shortage of people to go out for coffee with, or to text with, or to vacation with. But, those friends are different from that one friend you hope for who will be your close friend. A friend who becomes likes family. The friend who is your first choice for everything you do. Finding THAT friend can feel impossible; it's like searching for a needle in a haystack, as they say. But, if you do find her, you can't quite believe your luck. And you worry that maybe it won't last, that this is not actually a forever friend. But deep down, you know. This is the one you've been waiting for; the one in a million friend who feels like home.

Letting People In

Do you let people in to your mess? I'm not talking about the internal mess that you hide behind invisible walls of perfection. I'm talking about your literal, physical mess. The one in your house. Or maybe your home is immaculate, in which case you can stop reading now...

But my house is not. Or at least it isn't on a random Thursday when we are not expecting visitors. When I'm hosting people and it's on the calendar, there's a lot of cleaning and organizing and honestly stressing out that goes on. Sometimes it's good to have that extra motivation to just get things done. I've often joked that if I want to clean my house, I should plan a party and that'll guarantee that things will get done. Then when my house is sparkling, I can let people in and feel confident that they won't judge. I can feel good about being such a "good hostess".

But, what about when my kitchen floor is covered in crumbs and the morning dishes are still in the sink? Will I let anyone see that? That's what my house looks like most of the time, so why don't I want anyone to see that? Why would I want to pretend that the sparkling version of my house is the norm? There is something very vulnerable about letting someone in to see how you really live; it's a form of self-disclosure. There is a very short list of people that I would let in to see that. But I read that close friendships don't get built at Olive Garden (the restaurant). So, I am trying. 

Yesterday I invited a friend over for coffee after our lunch date. I had no idea what my house would look like, but I was pretty sure it would not be sparkling. I was right. It wasn't a total disaster, but the kitchen was a mess, no one had vacuumed, the dining table was covered in junk...I could go on. But as we sat on the deck having pie and frozen yogurt, did it really matter? We were relaxed, not sitting formally at a table, there was no server interrupting our conversation, there were no other people to consider. It was casual and unhurried and perfect, despite the mess. 

Words

It should come as no surprise that someone who likes to write and read loves words. I love a well-written book, where the use of language itself adds to the story. I love poetry because of its economy of words which is still able to create vivid images. I love word games like Scrabble and Quiddler. I'm pretty sure my love language is words of affirmation.
But I hate wordiness. People who use too many words, or worse, the same words over and over. It drives me crazy when people use big words to impress and then clearly don't know what they mean. Irrationally, there are words in the English language which annoy me for no apparent reason. Words which I can't think of right now (of course), but when I hear them, I cringe.
I also hate that a lot of words have lost all meaning. We love people like we love pizza and the colour blue. The use of superlatives seems to be the new norm; everything is amazing and awesome and epic. And that's if we use words at all, instead of emojis or text abbreviations. And don't even get me started on "new" words...I know, I sound like an old lady, but what does "woke" even mean? If you answer that you opened your eyes in the morning, you are wrong and have no idea either...
All that to say, I have been thinking a lot lately about my own use of words. The Bible spot from James has been convicting me: "out of the same mouth come praise and cursing". I am not always slow to speak and quick to listen. I oftentimes blurt out things that are stupid, or inappropriate or mean or worse. I've been spending a lot of time with one of my sister in laws and I admire her thoughtfulness. She is often slow to speak and wants time to think about her answer. I have a lot to learn from her. I want to think before I speak. I want my words to be like the honey and bubbling brook the Bible talks about. So, I am trying to be more deliberate in my choice of words. I am trying to listen more. But, make no mistake, I am still me. The sarcasm will continue.