one year later...

How have I managed to live for a year without my dad? Honestly, I don't know. Losing him was the biggest loss of my life. Yes, I have many things to be grateful for, but today, on the anniversary of his death, I am just tired. Bone deep exhausted and sad. I started to write a list of things I'm grateful for and I just didn't want to. The void in my life is deep and wide and sometimes I think it is good to remain in the sadness. Not try to brush it all under the carpet or look for silver linings.

My dad was a big part of my life, the void he left behind is huge. My brother Henry said it well when he wrote that a heart is filled with people of different sizes; those of great character and strength take up the most space. My dad was by far the most influential person in my life and took up a lot of space in my heart. He loved me. He was proud of me. He was a rock of support. He was an exemplary model of a good Christian, parent and spouse. The depth of my sadness is no wonder when I consider how much I loved him.

So, even though I wasn't planning to be grateful, I find myself overwhelmed with gratitude. I had the absolute best dad and that's what makes saying goodbye so hard. How blessed am I to have had such a father.

JOY!

I had the best weekend! Despite new COVID restrictions, and rain and all the things that are wrong, I found joy. On Friday, I had wine with my friend Lesley. We teach together, so we figure we have each other's germs. It's a hard, hard time to be a teacher and the staff room is closed which means no venting with other teachers. But I have Lesley. Since we've known each other for 20 years, we can be totally honest and open and that is such a relief.

On Saturday, I spent the whole day with Serene. We walked and talked for hours in Pacific Spirit Park and it was lovely, especially since the rain held off. We had lunch at Burgoo and coffee at Caffe Artigiano. She is my one friend if I have to choose just one according to Dr Henry's new rules. She is my support, my shoulder to cry on, the person who makes me laugh, the person who asks me challenging questions that (annoyingly) make me think for days, my best friend.

On Sunday, we went to church as a family and that was the icing on the cake. I actually love that there is no Sunday school because it means that the whole family sits together. The worship was amazing (even while wearing a mask). Pastor Brett finished the sermon series on Lamentations. I love that my church would choose to preach through such a difficult and yet so timely book of the Bible. We serve a God who remembers, reigns and restores. Could there be a better message for today? I left church on cloud nine. I'm so, so grateful for my church; every Sunday fills me up to face the week ahead.

In the evening, Emmi and I decorated the Christmas tree. It's way too early, but I don't care. Staring at the lights on the tree brings me joy. Next week at church we start a series on Advent, looking forward to Christmas. Yes, it will look different. Yes, I will miss Christmas concerts and parties and markets. But, Christmas will still be full of joy because I will choose joy and because Jesus came.

Eeyore

 It occurred to Pooh and Piglet that they hadn't heard from Eeyore for several days, so they put on their hats and coats and trotted across the Hundred Acre Wood to Eeyore's stick house. Inside the house was Eeyore.

"Hello Eeyore," said Pooh.

"Hello Pooh. Hello Piglet," said Eeyore, in a Glum Sounding Voice.

"We just thought we'd check in on you," said Piglet, "because we hadn't heard from you, and so we wanted to know if you were okay."

Eeyore was silent for a moment. "Am I okay?" he asked, eventually. "Well, I don't know, to be honest. Are any of us really okay? That's what I ask myself. All I can tell you, Pooh and Piglet, is that right now I feel really rather Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. Which is why I haven't bothered you. Because you wouldn't want to waste your time hanging out with someone who is Sad, and Alone, and Not Much Fun To Be Around At All, would you now."

Pooh looked at Piglet, and Piglet looked at Pooh, and they both sat down, one on either side of Eeyore in his stick house.

Eeyore looked at them in surprise. "What are you doing?"

"We're sitting here with you," said Pooh, "because we are your friends. And true friends don't care if someone is feeling Sad, or Alone, or Not Much Fun To Be Around At All. True friends are there for you anyway. And so here we are."

"Oh," said Eeyore. "Oh." And the three of them sat there in silence, and while Pooh and Piglet said nothing at all; somehow, almost imperceptibly, Eeyore started to feel a very tiny little bit better.

Because Pooh and Piglet were There.

No more; no less.

My grandfather's Bible

 I came upon my grandfather's Bible in Hope. My grandfather was a pastor. He was funny, a really great speaker and a man of integrity. He often told stories about the war and how his spiritual life was drying up and how God met him there in the bunker. He had a personal story or anecdote in every sermon. He loved God and my grandmother and his family and lived that out every day of his life. He wrote and translated hundreds of hymns and lived and breathed music. He really was an exemplary man of God.

So anyway. I came upon his Bible. When he passed away 17 years ago, one of the things my mom wanted to inherit was his Bible and it has found its way to the cabin in Hope. As I was looking for something, I came upon it in the drawer. It is falling apart and full of notes. It has clearly been read and studied. A LOT. This challenges me, but also makes me so grateful. I am challenged because I am not sure that my own devotional life is anywhere near what his was. Granted, he was a pastor, but still. Some of the notes are written in the margins and some have been type written, possibly for sermon notes. His old Bible fills me with gratitude, for him, and for my believing family in general. I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine about what I would change in my family. I have to say that I wouldn't change anything. I know that sounds so self righteous and obviously, my family isn't perfect. But, it is loving and close knit. More importantly, I have a heritage of faith that I wouldn't change for anything. 

I love autumn

 "Autumn is a season gentle to the weary. I love the juxtaposition of the fierceness and fire of the trees against the hushed grey of days that know they are dying into winter...I'm full of the fiery joy and grey-skied exhaustion all at once".

Fall is my favourite. I love the warm colours, the candles, bundling up, pumpkin everything, and the process of everything dying for a time. I have quite a few friends who like to garden and their favourite season is (unsurprisingly) spring. I do love spring too, but it doesn't speak to me like fall does. Winter, on the other hand, is a little too bleak and has seemingly very little life in it. Fall, however, is more about things going to sleep. Incidentally, sleep is one of my favourite things, lol. 

October is my favourite month. Even though I love the feeling of returning to order and schedules and school resuming in September, I always find September to be a little chaotic. This year, with COVID in the picture, I found it took longer than usual to find a rhythm for our schedule. But I always love October. I love having established routines. I love that our lives have structure. I also love the crisper, cooler air. I am more than a little obsessed with cardigans and in October, I can wear a cardigan every day. I love the vibrant colours of trees that seem to be on fire. I love that it gets darker earlier, but not as dark as winter. I love the fog that often lingers in the morning. I feel like in October, with Thanksgiving, it's okay to slow down and appreciate what I have. I feel like fall is more conducive to curling up with a good book and a cup of tea. This brings joy to my introverted soul.

This weekend, we're spending Thanksgiving in Hope. It's bittersweet since last year we were here as the extended family and my dad was here. It's really awful that he is gone and some days the grief is crushing. But so far this weekend, I have been able to count my blessings. I have so much to be grateful for.

The Weekend

What a lovely weekend. On Friday, there was an in person women's night at my church. There was singing and beautiful sharing and prayer and fellowship. If I'm honest, when I got home from work, I didn't really feel like going. But, I had already registered and committed to helping out, so I dragged myself there. It was so worth it! The picture is from the event. One of the many things I love about my church is that everything is done with a lot of planning and forethought. There were table cloths and flower arrangements and chocolates. But there were also stamped journals and Bible verses that were beautifully lettered with the theme of the evening: flourishing in the waiting. Nothing ever feels last minute or slapped together at my church and I really love that.

On Saturday I had a leisurely morning and then headed out for lunch with Serene. We didn't have a plan, but decided to go to Tacofino. It was so yummy. Then, as we walked in gastown, we came across a cafe called Milano Espresso Lounge. Their lattes were delicious and way better than Starbucks. The vibe was also not so generic; I really liked their industrial decor. After coffee, we went to Pacific Spirit park for a walk. It was a lovely, crisp autumn day; what a perfect day for a walk. Even though there were too many (unleashed) dogs out, it still remains my favourite place to walk.

In the evening, I just wanted to crash on the couch. But, our neighbours had invited us over for some drinks. We sat on their deck and probably annoyed their neighbours with all our laughter. It was most likely one of the last nights that sitting outside will even be possible with the weather changing, so it was really nice. There were blankets and string lights and candles and wine.

Today, we went to church as a family. I am so, so glad that we are able to go in person. I've already blogged about it before, so I won't get into it again. But I have to mention that the sermon was on racism and it was so powerful and true. All are created equal with inherent dignity and value, created in the image of God. It really isn't more complicated or nuanced than that. Racism is a sin and a misunderstanding of justification and the gospel. 

Introverted

 I am an introvert. This often surprises people because I can be quite social and I am not quiet. In fact, people often laugh and don't believe me. But usually they just don't really understand what an introvert is. An introvert is not necessarily shy or quiet or antisocial. The defining characteristic of an introvert is how we refuel or get energy. Extroverts are energized by socializing. Introverts are not. This does not mean that we don't like socializing; it means we find it draining. Recharging requires alone time. I can be very social and enjoy hanging out with some of my friends. But, then I require time alone. Some people drain me a lot, some people less so. But being around people in general, is draining.

 But once in a blue moon, you might find someone who does not drain your energy, even after hours of socializing. Someone who actually fills you up. That rare person who somehow manages to energize you. You spend hours and hours together and somehow you feel better after spending time with them. Your heart is full and you don't need time to recharge afterwards. This is a minor miracle. 

Things I thank COVID for:

 Living in a pandemic sucks in a lot of ways. There are things I can't do, my movements are restricted, work is weird, the economy is tanking. But, there are some silver linings, things that I am glad for:

-I don't need to shake hands with anyone. I've never liked this practise and I hope it's gone forever.

-not being hugged by people. I love hugs, but only from a VERY small handful of people. Everyone else can keep six feet away. Forever.

-parents can't come into schools. This is especially helpful in kindergarten when kids cry until their parents leave and are then fine. No hovering helicopter parents is great!

-restaurants are not busy and are actually extra clean. Bathrooms are cleaned all the time.

-meet the teacher night is cancelled. Since I am both a parent and a teacher, this actually frees up FOUR evenings. Yay!

-all meetings are virtual. This means taking meetings at home, in my pajamas, on the sofa. Or, I can listen to the meeting and multitask. Last week during a zoom meeting, I baked banana loaf. Today, I cleaned my kitchen.

-there's less traffic. It seems to be increasing every day, but overall, there is still less traffic than "normal".

-most things require registration which means if you have registered, you have a spot. No more line ups

-congregating and socializing are discouraged at church, at schools, at work. This means NO small talk!!!

I'm sure there are lots more but these are the ones that come to mind right now...

Gathering again!

 Yesterday we went to church for the first time in 26 weeks! It was amazing. I might have cried I was so grateful. Of course our church did not stop gathering over the last six months, but we could not gather physically in our church building. Yesterday as we drove up to church, I was so excited. As we walked up to the building, who should I see but one of my VERY FAVOURITE people from church: Ursula. I couldn't hug her, but other than that, it was so, so wonderful to see her.

The sanctuary looked fairly empty as the seats were spaced out for social distancing. But the warm, inviting feeling was the same. The worship was so great. To sing, even with a mask on, filled my heart with joy. To hear Brett preach live was amazing. I know this post may seem like it's full of superlatives, but I can't help it. My cup runneth over.

Restaurants

My friend and I have been on a quest of sorts to try different lunch places around Vancouver and Burnaby. Ironic that we would choose to do this during a pandemic perhaps, but whatever. Like I have blogged before, a lot of restaurants are actually a lot easier to get into because people are nervous about eating out, so I guess in that sense the timing is perfect.
We often order different things, so our reviews would probably vary somewhat especially if one of us had a great meal and the other didn't. We have talked about the different places we've gone, however, and I don't think she would disagree with me too much. Besides this is my blog, these are my opinions and I'm always right, lol.
I think that the worst place we ate at was The Rise Eatery. The food was not very fresh and the menu was a little weird. It wasn't bad exactly, just not somewhere we would choose to go again.
My favourite place so far was probably Yolks. The food was delicious. I ate every last crumb on my plate. But what I also really appreciated was the way that they had made COVID adjustments part of their overall decor. They had plexiglass dividers between booths, but they were framed in such a way that you didn't even notice or think that they were recent additions. They actually looked nice.
A close second would probably have to be Hart House, not so much for the food, which is pretty good, but for the ambience, the view and its proximity to Deer Lake. We have spent a lot of time going for walks and Deer Lake has been one of our most frequented routes. I love looking at the glistening lake and admiring all the greenery. I don't love the parts of the walk that are in full, scorching sun, but that will soon cease to be a problem with the coming of fall.
Of course if we include restaurants on the way to Hope, then the Shandhar Hut wins hands down. Their Indian food is so delicious and it's family owned, which I really like. I also really like their serving dishes and presentation, but the orangey peach walls are "interesting", lol.
As I think about all the places we've eaten at, there are actually quite a few really good ones. I really liked Aphrodite's, The Gray Olive, Heirloom and Paul's Omelettery. Although it probably goes without saying, the friend I have been with makes for the best company, so that makes the food taste that much better. Obviously I take no responsibility for how it tastes when you're not with your best friend. 
The photo is from a great gelato place we have gone to a few times called Fior Di Latte. The flavours are delicious, the service is always friendly and you can actually sit down and enjoy your gelato. Vancouver has so many great places to eat, I sure hope that they are able to survive and still be around after the pandemic.

I miss my dad

My dad's birthday is today and I miss him more today than I did a month ago. I think a part of me has been waiting for him to come back all this time. But, he's not coming. Ever. This is very hard for me to accept, maybe impossible even.
I went to his grave the other day when I was in Hope and it was awful. How could he be in the ground? Yes, I know that he is actually in heaven, but I want him here with us. I miss talking to him. I miss him calling me from the car port and asking if he can come over. I miss having coffee with him at my kitchen table. I miss his practical help. This past week, our dishwasher broke and my first instinct was to call my dad. But I couldn't.
I see his handiwork all over my house: my renovated kitchen and bathroom, our deck, the hand rail for the staircase. In fact, his fingerprints are all over my house, my siblings' houses, our place in Hope and everywhere else that he frequented. It's comforting and profoundly sad at the same time.
Death really really sucks. No, that is not a beautifully crafted sentence but it's the truth. Whoever said that grief gets easier totally lied.

Impossible

"God designed you for community. He made you with a desire to connect with other people who can grow with you, cry with you, sharpen you, encourage you, laugh with you, and hold you accountable to the things of God. No matter your stage or season, all of us long to find people to simply do life with. But, if you're like me, you've had times in your life when it feels like that kind of community is impossible to find."
Finding a friend who laughs with you, or encourages you is fairly easy. Finding someone who cries with you is a little harder. But, finding someone who sharpens you and holds you accountable to the things of God? Virtually impossible. She would have to know me well enough to call me out and hold me accountable. She would have to be spiritually at the same level or higher in order to sharpen me and challenge my thinking. She would have to be as interested in the things of God in order to really grow and do life together. What a tall order and something I would have previously considered impossible. 
But, God. He found me such a friend and brought her into my life a year ago. In fact, she meets ALL the criteria and then some from the opening quote. I am overwhelmed with gratitude.

I was with a friend today when we stumbled upon this adorable ice cream shop while searching for the closest Starbucks. It's a little hard to read the text, but it says "all things are better when shared with someone cherished". Yes, all things are indeed better. And the ice cream was that much sweeter too.

Frankie's

My friend and I were at Frankie's Jazz Club last night, one of my favourite places in Vancouver. It's a fairly small venue with live music. It feels intimate and personal. Also, the food is good. I have never eaten anything there that I didn't like. 
Frankie's reopened a few weeks ago and I was so happy. Live music is one of the things I miss most right now, whether concerts or worship at church. Frankie's is small enough that they can make it work despite the rules around COVID. There were a few new plexiglass dividers, servers in masks, empty tables etc, in line with new guidelines. But essentially, it felt the same. The vibe was casual and relaxed and lovely. Last night's artist was Maya Rae, an amazing local singer. She's only 18, but what a voice! It was just so nice to listen to someone sing live, accompanied by the piano and bass.  
Afterward, we went for a walk along the water downtown. It was dark and the city lights were reflected in the water. There was a bit of a chill in the air, but it was still warm enough to not need a jacket. There were lots of people out, walking and sitting around enjoying the summer evening. I love Vancouver. 

Annus Horribilis

The title is Latin for horrible year and that pretty well sums it up. Last year on July 25th, I received news of my father's cancer diagnosis and so began the worst year of my life. Although my father had treatments, he got progressively worse and died on Dec 11th. Yes, there were lots of blessings along the way and I am in no way forgetting or minimizing those. I have blogged previously about God's love and sovereignty throughout my dad's illness. But, it was a hard, hard time. Christmas was a sad blur and I am still mourning his loss. I still have moments of unexpected tears which continue to catch me by surprise.
So, in the spring, when Pentti got diagnosed with the same cancer after months of waiting and testing, I was devastated. I couldn't believe this was happening again. Of course my thoughts went straight to the worst case scenario. How could they not? But, I also had a strange sense of supernatural peace. I blogged previously about how my faith was actually strengthened. Anyway, as is often the case, there was a lot of stressful waiting: for the specialist, for the biopsy results, for the surgery. Throughout that time, my feelings fluctuated a lot but my faith that God was in control did not. I had some wonderful friends who supported me and prayed for us and checked in often. 
Well after months of waiting, Pentti had his surgery. There were no complications or surprises with the surgery, but they said that the wait for the pathology results would take weeks. But because God is in control, we got the results from our family doctor only a few days later on July 25th. Exactly one year to the day from when I received news of my father's diagnosis. Coincidence? I think not. The results were the best possible: the cancer had not spread and was removed during surgery. I feel like this was a sign directly from God telling me that this time the ending would be different. I also feel like it was a sign that my year long trial has ended. He knows I am a cynic; even though I was rejoicing at the good news, a part of me was thinking...hmm...I hope the results can be trusted. I feel like this is God's sign to me that even if medical reports can't be trusted, He can. He was in charge the whole time and His timing is amazing! 
Yesterday, we got the "official" call from the surgeon with the results. He confirmed that the cancer had not spread and that Pentti would not require any further treatment other than biannual check ups. Grateful doesn't even begin to explain how I feel...

Grateful

It's been a rough week, I'm not gonna lie. But I'm not going to dwell on it since it's gone. What I do want to write about are those amazing people who show up when you need them. The friend who tells you to call her from emergency so she can basically talk you off a ledge and then manages to make you laugh. The friend who delivers a delicious dinner so you don't have to cook. The friend who offers to come sit with you if you need her. The friends who text and call and ask how they can help and show up.
I am so blessed to have friends that I know I can count on. Even if we haven't been in contact that much lately, I know who will come through for me. Those beautiful people who show you love when life sucks, they are the ones worth keeping around. For them, I am so grateful.

Trials

Do you believe God is good and trustworthy? What if your life goes sideways? Does that somehow change who God is? Bad things happen to good people all the time. Should I use my circumstances to decide what God is like? Or should I use my understanding of God to help me through my circumstances? Last year when my dad had cancer, the thing that carried me through was my absolute faith that God is good and He is sovereign. There were some very dark days and I was often less than joyful. But, deep down, I knew God loved me and He was in control. I have blogged previously about all the clear ways that we saw the hand of God in a lot of what happened during my dad's illness.

Well, I'm in the same trial again. Sort of. Pentti got diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. The same cancer my dad died from. Now what? Do I rail against a God who would allow this again? Do I complain about how unfair life is? God would certainly understand. But, would that help me? Anger and frustration can be cathartic sometimes, but I don’t find them ultimately helpful. Or hopeful. So, instead I go back to who I know God is and I review again how His hand was so clearly evident in all the events surrounding my dad’s illness. As the song lyric goes, "there's just too much proof in my life".

I was so encouraged by an online devotion from my church from the book of James. James is all about how trials produce perseverance. The speaker was talking about how when you go through a trial, it reveals where you have faith and where you don't. Through the trial, your faith (hopefully) grows. The next time you are hit with a trial, maybe even the very same kind of trial, you notice that your faith is stronger than it was last time and you have less fear. Fear is all about the what if, but faith is about even if. Whatever happens, God is good and loving.

So, I choose to see this second trial as an opportunity to see how I’ve changed. I notice that I am stronger and my faith in God is even more unshakeable. No, I'm not perfect and I have had moments of crying and despair to my best friend. But, I am hopeful. And more importantly, I know who to turn to. Even though my father died, I turn to God even more trustingly than before. This may seem strange and perhaps even illogical and crazy to some. But, knowing and trusting God means nothing happens without His knowledge. I am not left wondering whether He missed the fact that cancer was developing inside Pentti. It did not somehow escape His knowledge that I just finished the cancer trial of a loved one seven months ago. He is in control. Whatever happens, He loves me and He is sovereign. That is all I need to know to carry me through. Even when I'm afraid.

Hope- Day 4

So, a glorious four days in Hope came to an end today. The weather was spectacular and warm, but not too hot the entire time. But we also spent a lot of time sitting in the backyard by the creek which had a lovely cooling effect. It really is a beautiful spot to sit and listen to the creek and admire all the greenery. I could sit back there for hours.
This morning, I woke up pretty early. By 8am, the neighbours started banging on whatever home reno project they have going on. I was annoyed for a split second, but then I checked myself. I was relaxed and happy. It was the third morning that I was waking up in Hope with my best friend. A little noise was NOT going to ruin my gratitude and joy. So, instead I got up early to make breakfast. Because I was up early, we were actually able to have a leisurely breakfast before our regular Thursday morning Bible study over zoom with 8 others. My Thursday mornings are usually far from leisurely. But today I had even showered, dressed and put on some makeup before the meeting, lol! Do you know how many zoom meetings I have done in pajamas??? But I digress...
When the discussion ended, we finished cleaning and packing up. We took a few more moments to enjoy the peace and beauty of the creek and then headed toward home. On the way, we stopped for lunch at The Italian. One of the "blessings" of COVID, is that there are still a lot of people who are hesitant to eat out. That means that we were able to just walk in to a popular restaurant and get seated right away without a reservation. In fact, we have been able to do this a lot lately. Anyway, my gnocchi was delicious, like always. Before heading back on the highway, we got some Starbucks. You know what's better than Starbucks coffee? Free Starbucks coffee. Their system wasn't working properly, so the barista decided to just give us our coffees. They were extra delicious.
So, now I am home and that feels good too. I did miss my family. Emmi was so thrilled to see me and I'll be happy to sleep in my own bed. But, what a great four days in Hope. The weather, the company, the house; it was all perfect. This was the first time I had gone away with this particular friend. I wondered whether we would travel well together. I do have some friends I would never take a trip with, we just don't travel well together even though we're friends. Needless to say, I was worried for nothing and our time together was easy and perfect. Last night we had one of those sacred moments of conversation and prayer between friends that I can't even find the words to blog about. And I wouldn't want to even if I could. Have I mentioned how very blessed I am?

Hope - day 3

That pretty well sums it up. We have talked, laughed, prayed, read, walked, sat in silence, eaten; I can't imagine a single friend that I would rather have spent this time with. Whenever I am with her, my love for God grows: partly because of our discussions and partly because I feel so incredibly blessed that He brought her into my life. What a luxury to have been able to spend all this time together. I feel like I have been here for a week, in a good way! 
We went to the Owl Street Cafe for lunch today. It's a cute cafe a little off the beaten path in Hope. There was hardly anyone there and we sat at a table outside and enjoyed our chicken sandwiches. The past few days have been so restful. We've done very little and yet, I haven't had a single moment of boredom or wondering what to do next. I still haven't even cracked open my book; it's looking like it's going to end up being one of those useless things you pack on vacation and then never use.
For dinner we went to Fiesta Loca for Mexican food and it was fabulous. I had fish tacos that were massive and perfectly flavored. The restaurant itself was very colourful; exactly what you'd expect from a Mexican restaurant. After stuffing ourselves, we went for a long walk. It was actually dark by the time we got back to the house. But of course we had to go in the sauna on our last night. 
Tomorrow we are heading home. 

Hope day 2

Waking up to the sounds of the rushing creek and softly singing birds is a lovely way to awaken to a new day. I was so happy, I actually made breakfast. You are truly loved if I make you breakfast, considering how much I generally dislike mornings. If I talk to you before I have even had coffee, you are on a very short list of two people. I'm not sure that my friend knows just how privileged she is, lol. Anyway, eggs on toast, coffee and fresh strawberries. And silence, haha. I mean, we did talk, but we also sat and stared out the window at the glorious sun shining on the trees near the creek.
For the rest of the morning, we did our own thing. Two introverts together on holiday is the best combination possible in my humble opinion. I listened to a lecture and enjoyed the sunshine. I'm not too sure what my friend did and it doesn't matter.
We headed out for lunch. Unfortunately because of COVID, restaurants are still a gamble in terms of whether they are fully open, take out only or closed completely. I know that restaurants are suffering and I have a lot of sympathy. I just really wish that they would keep their websites updated about what the current status of their offerings is. Our first choice was closed for dine in so we ended up driving to Chilliwack. The Thai place we tried there was closed to dine in as well, so we ended up going for Mexican. It was ok. Neither of us would choose to go back, so it wasn't stellar. But, we did go for a nice walk afterward and of course Starbucks.
We ordered takeout for dinner and ate until we were stuffed, so obviously another walk was in order. We walked to the lake. By the time we got back and had warmed up the sauna, it was already 10:30. Good thing we are both night owls at heart. What a glorious relaxing day. 
It's funny because we haven't really DONE anything and yet I've been too busy to pull out my book, or the card game I brought, or hardly even check my social media. But I guess that's the great thing about spending time with a good friend, even doing nothing if it's together, is still something. Standing on the end of the dock watching the last traces of the pink of sunset fade behind the mountains and the birds (and BUGS) flying above the water was one of my favourite moments today, with one of my absolutely favourite people. How'd I get so lucky?

Hope

Today was a fabulous day. In fact, it was so great that I mostly forgot to take pictures. Pentti stayed home with the kids so that I could come to Hope for a few days with a friend. I picked her up just before noon and we headed out. We stopped in Chilliwack for Indian food at The Shandar Hut and it was delicious. Then, we went to the Vedder River for a walk. Neither of us had been there before and it was beautiful. It was also surprisingly treed, so there was some shade, which was much needed on such a hot day. On our way out of Chilliwack we stopped for coffee. Of course. 
We got to Hope around 3:30, I think. I mean who cares what time it was when I don't even know what day it is...lol. Besides, we are on vacation. Anyway, we sat around in the backyard and admired the creek. We chatted. We read. 
We were still so full from lunch that we decided to go to Save On and buy something light and eat at the house. We made soup and open faced sandwiches. We even went for a second walk down to the lake because it was such a nice evening. Then, we went in the sauna. I was shocked that my friend lasted more than 30 minutes. What a trooper, lol. I don't think she had been in a true "Finnish" sauna before, which is of course the only real kind there is....
Now I am here sitting on the couch contemplating whether to open the bag of chips or not. This is one of the hardest decisions I have had to make today...cue the violins...haha. But seriously, what a lovely, relaxing day. I was telling my friend that I have had a house full of people since March 13 when spring break started, which for this introvert has been hard. No, it's not a true hardship, but I am so used to having time to myself during the day and I have had very little of that. Being here, in this quiet house, relaxing with a friend, most especially this particular friend, is a true gift. I am so happy.

The Vedder river

Birthday weekend celebrations

Day two: Today we had a lazy morning. Except stupid crows woke us up at 8am. How does one get rid of crows that caw for an hour at an indecent hour on a Saturday morning? I did manage to fall back asleep after getting earplugs. But not without being annoyed and contemplating getting the kids nerf guns to shoot at them...
Henry and Ruth came over in the late afternoon. We started with cheeses, crackers and wine. Then Henry made us cheese souffles. The only problem was that then we weren't hungry for the actual dinner that we had planned. Not until about 11:15 pm when Pentti and Ruth decided that they wanted something savoury. So, Pentti went outside to grill. Luckily, the rain had stopped by then. At around 12:30am, we decided that bananas flambe and ice cream would hit the spot, so Pentti made those too. Overall, it was a great evening. It makes me sad that this fun is coming to an end. I love my siblings, but no one hangs out as well with us as Henry and Ruth. They're sleeping over, so the fun continues...

Day three: Today was a chill day. Everyone woke up super late and loafed around. We had an early dinner, which we ate outside since the sun came out today. It was beautiful and warm. This called for ice cream for dessert. Pentti recently purchased a Ninja blender and you can make ice cream in it in two minutes. There is no freezer time involved either. We have experimented with a bunch of different ingredients and continue to work on perfecting our recipes. But, it's pretty amazing how quick and easy it is. Not surprisingly the heavier cream you use, the more is tastes like creamy ice cream. But lower fat versions are good too, but the texture is more like frozen yogurt.

This fabulous weekend ended on a sad note; I said goodbye to Ruth today. I probably won't be seeing her before she leaves. I cried (but not in front of her of course). I will miss her a lot. Luckily, I will still be seeing Henry as he leaves a little later than her.

July Birthdays

Ruth and I both have birthdays in July, so we have decided to make this weekend a 3 day celebratory weekend because why not? It's been a weird year of disease and cancer and death, so why not celebrate in style? Today was part one.
We decided to go for afternoon tea to the Neverland Tea Salon. It was a lovely restaurant that neither of us had visited previously. The ambience was perfect and the food was tasty, although I think I still prefer The Secret Garden. But it was a leisurely way to spend an afternoon, especially since we were in no hurry to get anywhere. We wandered around West Broadway and then West 4th before heading home.
At our house, we spent hours on the deck...like 7 hours and counting. (Henry and Ruth are still here as I write this). But like I've blogged before, our hanging out together includes conversation and food, but also just chilling with everyone in their own space. Henry came here straight from work and we decided to have a Mexican theme for dinner. That involved making two kinds of salsa and quesadillas and tacos. It was delicious.
Now Ruth and I are the only ones left on the deck. She is reading and I am blogging. Occasionally we interrupt each other, but we also spend long stretches being silent. And that's perfect for these two introverts. There is nothing more exhausting than spending hours with someone who has an inexplicable need to fill every moment with chatter. I can't handle those kind of people for very long. But I have a few friends, including Ruth, who I will never tire of spending endless amounts of time with because it is not filled with noise. There are moments of comfortable silence. This is huge because comfortable silence is one of my favourite things. Despite how I sometimes come across, I do actually like people. But I generally find socializing draining. Throw in some incessant chatter and/or awkward silences and I want to run away screaming (except I'd be more likely to quietly sneak away and hope that no one notices). But when I am with my people, the ones who know how to be quiet and actually enjoy the silence, I am not drained at all. I love my people.

"I have witnessed all kinds of suffering and I have lived pain, and my life can tell: I only deepen the wound of the world when I neglect to give thanks for early light dappled through leaves and the heavy perfume of wild flowers in early July and the song of crickets on humid nights and the stars that rise and the rain that falls and all the good things that a good God gives". Ann Voskamp

I really love Ann Voskamp's writing and the above quote from her Instagram is so true. When I read her book One Thousand Gifts almost ten years ago, I started keeping a gratitude list. I kept it up for years, but have since abandoned the practice. But, it really does change your perspective when you are thankful. And I don't mean generally thankful, I mean thankful to God. Although keeping a list of things you're grateful for is good practice for anyone, it takes on a whole other depth of meaning when that gratitude is directed toward God.
So, I have a lot to be grateful for and I choose joy. Below are some of the random things (big and small) that have brought me joy lately:
-walks in Pacific Spirit park
-good music
-lights on the deck
-lunch dates
-new dresses
-true friendship
-outdoor playdates for the kids
-Bible studies
-trying new restaurants
-meaningful conversations with a close friend
-my house church group

Family Day in Hope

We had a family day in Hope on the weekend. There are now 23 of us and 1 dog, which makes for a lot of food, noise and chaos. Honestly, I wasn't really looking forward to it since I don't deal well with noise. Also, the last time we did a family day in Hope, my dad was there, so I wasn't looking forward to the feelings of sadness. But, I felt like we had to go.
So, on Saturday morning, we packed up and headed to Hope. And you know what? I was pleasantly surprised by how well the day went. There was tonnes of food and laughter. Yes, there were a lot of noisy children; 12 of them. But it was actually really nice to see the kids playing and enjoying the outdoors. During the pandemic, my kids have had very little interaction with other kids and very little time outside. There was frisbee, badminton, biking, walking, catching tadpoles, tag and a bunch of other activities I can't remember.
When things started to get a little out of control, most of the adults and kids left for the beach. That left Ruth and I alone on the porch listening to music, reading and occasionally interrupting each other with idle chatter. I think we sat out there close to two hours. So good.
In the evening, I "timed" it so that I was in the sauna relaxing by myself for an hour. While I was in there, my brother left with his four boys, and my niece and nephew were put to bed. So, by the time I came from the sauna all relaxed and chill, there were only half the kids left. We roasted marshmallows and sat around the fire. 
All in all it was a great day. I am so grateful for my family. Yes, they drive me crazy a lot, but they're also really great people. The biggest blessing is that they are all strong in their faith.

One-In-A-Million

I know...I probably post too much about friendship. But, in my defense, I know all too well the loneliness of not having a close friend. You can, in fact, have lots of friends and still be lonely. You can have fun and laugh and enjoy spending time together, but still feel like something is missing. I have felt that way for a long time.  I have always had friends. I have never had a shortage of people to go out for coffee with, or to text with, or to vacation with. But, those friends are different from that one friend you hope for who will be your close friend. A friend who becomes likes family. The friend who is your first choice for everything you do. Finding THAT friend can feel impossible; it's like searching for a needle in a haystack, as they say. But, if you do find her, you can't quite believe your luck. And you worry that maybe it won't last, that this is not actually a forever friend. But deep down, you know. This is the one you've been waiting for; the one in a million friend who feels like home.

Letting People In

Do you let people in to your mess? I'm not talking about the internal mess that you hide behind invisible walls of perfection. I'm talking about your literal, physical mess. The one in your house. Or maybe your home is immaculate, in which case you can stop reading now...

But my house is not. Or at least it isn't on a random Thursday when we are not expecting visitors. When I'm hosting people and it's on the calendar, there's a lot of cleaning and organizing and honestly stressing out that goes on. Sometimes it's good to have that extra motivation to just get things done. I've often joked that if I want to clean my house, I should plan a party and that'll guarantee that things will get done. Then when my house is sparkling, I can let people in and feel confident that they won't judge. I can feel good about being such a "good hostess".

But, what about when my kitchen floor is covered in crumbs and the morning dishes are still in the sink? Will I let anyone see that? That's what my house looks like most of the time, so why don't I want anyone to see that? Why would I want to pretend that the sparkling version of my house is the norm? There is something very vulnerable about letting someone in to see how you really live; it's a form of self-disclosure. There is a very short list of people that I would let in to see that. But I read that close friendships don't get built at Olive Garden (the restaurant). So, I am trying. 

Yesterday I invited a friend over for coffee after our lunch date. I had no idea what my house would look like, but I was pretty sure it would not be sparkling. I was right. It wasn't a total disaster, but the kitchen was a mess, no one had vacuumed, the dining table was covered in junk...I could go on. But as we sat on the deck having pie and frozen yogurt, did it really matter? We were relaxed, not sitting formally at a table, there was no server interrupting our conversation, there were no other people to consider. It was casual and unhurried and perfect, despite the mess. 

Words

It should come as no surprise that someone who likes to write and read loves words. I love a well-written book, where the use of language itself adds to the story. I love poetry because of its economy of words which is still able to create vivid images. I love word games like Scrabble and Quiddler. I'm pretty sure my love language is words of affirmation.
But I hate wordiness. People who use too many words, or worse, the same words over and over. It drives me crazy when people use big words to impress and then clearly don't know what they mean. Irrationally, there are words in the English language which annoy me for no apparent reason. Words which I can't think of right now (of course), but when I hear them, I cringe.
I also hate that a lot of words have lost all meaning. We love people like we love pizza and the colour blue. The use of superlatives seems to be the new norm; everything is amazing and awesome and epic. And that's if we use words at all, instead of emojis or text abbreviations. And don't even get me started on "new" words...I know, I sound like an old lady, but what does "woke" even mean? If you answer that you opened your eyes in the morning, you are wrong and have no idea either...
All that to say, I have been thinking a lot lately about my own use of words. The Bible spot from James has been convicting me: "out of the same mouth come praise and cursing". I am not always slow to speak and quick to listen. I oftentimes blurt out things that are stupid, or inappropriate or mean or worse. I've been spending a lot of time with one of my sister in laws and I admire her thoughtfulness. She is often slow to speak and wants time to think about her answer. I have a lot to learn from her. I want to think before I speak. I want my words to be like the honey and bubbling brook the Bible talks about. So, I am trying to be more deliberate in my choice of words. I am trying to listen more. But, make no mistake, I am still me. The sarcasm will continue.

My Person

Are you familiar with the phrase, "my person"? It comes from the tv show Grey's Anatomy. It's like a grown up version of BFF. It's the person in your inner circle. The one you want to text when something happens, good or bad. It's the one you make time for no matter what. Your confidante. The one person who gets to know the real you. The person who you know will remain even if you have a disagreement. The person who will show up for your walk/lunch date even if your relationship is currently awkward and uncomfortable.
My question is: can your relationship with your "person" ever be completely uncomplicated and easy? I have lots of easy, drama-free friendships. But. They aren't close. We have fun, we chat, but they don't actually know me. I don't tell them my inner most thoughts. I don't generally challenge them even when I think their thinking is wrong. These friendships are pleasant, but superficial. If they moved, or circumstances changed so that keeping in touch was challenging, our friendships would probably fade.
But my "person" is forever. We have fun and laugh a lot. But she also listens to me cry. She gets to hear about my frustrations. She hears my thoughts on things which may challenge her; I don't hold back with her. She also gets to see the ugly insecurity and other things lurking beneath the surface; things that I keep hidden from other friends. This can sometimes lead to some discomfort or annoyance. It doesn't always feel like a blessing to get to know someone warts and all. It's also a highly vulnerable place when you share the real you; the chance for rejection is so much greater. I read recently that "love that's truly cruciform, is truly vulnerable enough-that the heart can get hurt." And that's the catch, you can get hurt. Studying Judas from the Bible last week, I paused to think about Jesus loving him despite knowing how it would turn out. He knew He'd be hurt and betrayed in the worst way, and He loved anyway. But, what's the alternative? Keeping your walls up and letting no one in? That sounds safe, but also very lonely.
Yes, the risk can be great. And you might get hurt. There might be misunderstanding, or even frustration. But the gain is so much greater too. Having a close friend makes life so much better. Regardless of tension or disagreements, your friendship will survive because it's not possible for it to end. In fact, it may actually grow stronger during a conflict. Because knowing that she will show up even if she's annoyed is a beautiful thing. It confirms that because she is my person, we will get through anything. There is no alternative because my person is my person forever. 
So, in answer to my own question, no it isn't always easy, but things that are worth having rarely are. Yes, it can get complicated sometimes, especially when you're navigating between two very different personalities. But it is absolutely worth it.

"Those people that are still with you at the end of the day, those are the ones worth keeping. And sure, sometimes close can be too close. But sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need." Meredith, Grey's Anatomy 

School's Out!

This bizarre school year finally ended today!! I hope I never have to relive another semester like term 3 of 2019/2020. I remember leaving for spring break and the principal saying we'd be back in two weeks, but to make sure we took everything we might need if schools were out longer. Ha! Term three was the weirdest hybrid of extended break, online teaching, gradual return and everything in between. I am so glad that I only work part time because it was a gong show. It was frustrating and unprecedented and weird. But it was also sad because it highlighted those students who are struggling. They were often the same students who didn't show up much online. I have not seen or heard from some of my students since March 13th, when I last saw them at school. It's a weird end to the year when you haven't seen some students for more than three months and can't even say goodbye.
Despite all that however, there were some highlights. I mailed a letter to every student in my class and one of them wrote me back. His mom sent me a picture of him at the mailbox, posting the letter. Some parents sent me photos of my students and their work. Once school resumed part time, I was able to see a handful of my students and that was really special. I was really touched by how happy they were to see me. I never expect gifts from students, but today there were some waiting for me. One little boy, who I actually wondered if I had connected with, had left me a lovely gift basket. Attached to the gift was a card that said: thanks for making school so fun! That made my day. If kindergarten isn't fun, then I have failed. But if one of the more reserved children who doesn't show much emotion openly thanks me for making the year fun, I feel like I have done my job.
Another highlight was definitely the staff. There are some really lovely teachers at my school and today I was able to chat with many of them. Obviously Lesley is my favourite since we've been friends for 20 years. But there's also Patricia who works across the hall who gave me a lovely card and said the coffee pot is always on, please stop by and included her address. And Hollie who was my partner previously for years. And Chloe the librarian who let students and teachers take out books over the summer, which is unprecedented! And Nichole, my current partner who was so easygoing and on the same page about everything. And Emelyn who had the best sense of humour and would have dance parties with me and the class. And Jen who would make Starbucks runs and ask if wanted anything, I could go on...
Teachers had to be at school today for administrative day which meant we had breakfast as a staff outside on the lawn and cleaned our classrooms. The vibe was relaxed and relieved. There were donuts. Even though it was such a strange year, today brought closure. We survived and who know what September will bring. But for now, no more online meetings, or principal emails or staff meetings or ...Summer break begins today!

A Hard Word

Does a good friend keep quiet or call you out? If you're doing something she thinks needs correction, or at least consideration, do you want to be told? What if your friend remains silent and then someone else calls you out on it years from now and your friend says, oh yeah, that has always bothered me. How would you feel about your friend then? Like you wished she had just spoken up? Would you wonder why she didn't say anything?
Calling someone out is super uncomfortable and awkward. On the one hand, it's none of my business and who am I to say anything? It's not like I have it all together, so how could I possibly call out someone else? And what if I blow up the friendship in the process? Is it worth it? What if she doesn't want to hear it and gets offended? What if she takes it as an opportunity to air out all her grievances about me? What if the friendship becomes awkward and uncomfortable? What if I can literally feel the the other person moving away from me both physically and emotionally? What if her back goes up and she blows up, or worse, turns cold and distant? Calling someone out could go wrong in a million different ways.
But. If I love someone, am I obligated to speak? Am I really being a good friend in being silent? Does unconditional love mean never saying hard things? What if I feel like the Holy Spirit is prompting me? Do I have a choice if I want to be obedient?
The amplified Bible says: "Faithful are the wounds of a friend [who corrects out of love and concern], But the kisses of an enemy are deceitful..." (Prov 27:6). Fake friends who will only tell you things you want to hear are a dime a dozen. Sure, it can feel nice to be complimented and patted on the back, but how much weight do those words carry? Is a friend who always supports you in doing "whatever makes you happy" actually giving you sound advice? Personally, I would rather have one deeply honest friend who sometimes corrects me than dozens of superficial friends who don't challenge me. Even though it's not always pleasant, I would rather have a friend who disagrees with me, and calls me out and loves me enough to tell me the truth. And I would hope that I would be willing to take the constructive criticism for what it is. I get that this is hard; no one likes to be corrected and I can be pretty sensitive. But, I am most likely to listen to the opinions of a trusted friend. And if I want to grow, surely that will involve some discomfort.
Despite the risks, I can't be any other kind of close friend than an honest one. I have called people out and I will continue to do so even though some friendships have imploded as a result. It isn't easy. If taking criticism is hard, so is giving it. The more I love the person, the harder it is to say something and everything in me wants to keep quiet. But, I can't. And if I'm really honest, I don't think I should. 
In the words of Charles Spurgeon: 

True friends put enough trust in you to tell you openly of your faults. Give me for a friend the man who will speak honestly of me before my face; who will not tell first one neighbour, and then another, but who will come straight to my house, and say, "Sir, I feel there is such-and-such a thing in you, which, as my brother, I must tell you of." That man is a true friend; he has proved himself to be so; for we never get any praise for telling people of their faults; we rather hazard their dislike; a man will sometimes thank you for it, but he does not often like you any the better.

When Family Are Friends

On Sunday, we spent 12+ hours with my brother Henry and his wife Ruth. This is not unusual. In fact, I can't believe I haven't blogged about them more. My brother was preaching at a small community church on Sunday, so I went to listen. Since he was preaching for their second service as well, Ruth came home with me. When Henry was done, he came over and the four of us went out for lunch.

Being with them is easy. Every combination of us works, in that we all get along equally well and talk a lot. But we also have long stretches of silence sometimes and that is easy and comfortable too. After lunch, they came back to our house and stayed for 8 more hours. We ended up ordering sushi for dinner. We had coffee and fresh banana cake. We had wine on the deck. But Henry also spent some of his time downstairs on our PS4 playing video games. Ruth spent some of her time reading on her phone. I listened to the sermon from our church. This freedom to be together, but not together is what makes hanging out with them easy; we don't entertain them the whole time. When they are over, I am as comfortable to do whatever I want as I would be if they weren't here at all. That is a big deal for me. I don't think there is anyone else I could say that about. I let them into my house when it's messy. I ask Henry to go to the store for me when we're out of cream. Ruth peels potatoes for dinner sometimes. I have had zoom calls where I disappear upstairs for an hour in the middle of their visit. Yes, they're family, but it's not just that. They are among our closest friends.

We've had some really great conversations about theology and politics and all kinds of different topics. I value their opinions. They're both super knowledgeable about the Bible and well read. Their opinions are thoughtful. Ruth, who is an introvert, will often not answer a question right away because she wants to think about her answer. I appreciate that. Her and I are very similar in a lot of ways, although she's definitely smarter than I am. 

It's unfortunate that the entire time that they have been living in Vancouver has been abnormal in that my father was dying, then we were still grieving his death when COVID hit and everything shut down. So, although we have spent a lot of time together, we haven't been able to fully enjoy this time as we could have if things had been "normal". I say this because they are actually leaving next month. This sucks. I totally get why they're going to Finland and knowing them as well as I do, I knew their leaving was inevitable. But, it still sucks. They will leave a huge void in the life our family.

Reading

I realized yesterday that I have not read a single book in the more than six months. For an avid reader like me, that is unheard of! Books have been my friends since elementary school; I love reading. Normally, they provide the perfect escape. But, ever since my father got sick and passed away, I have not been able to focus. I have started lots of books, even engrossing, good ones, but have been unable to finish a single one. Grief does weird things to a person...
Well, that's going to change. I just ordered a pile of books for myself from the library. Burnaby public library is open for contactless book pick up, so I put in an order. Mostly I did it for the kids because they have been spending way too much on line. But, while I'm going, I may as well get something to read myself.

Six Months

Today marks six months since my father died; it feels so unfair that we've had to live without him for six months already. Needless to say that it has been a very hard, emotional day. I have listened to a lot of hymns today; they comfort me. But I miss him. So much.

Gushing

Gushing by definition is speech or writing that is effusive and exaggeratedly enthusiastic; that's so not what I'm about. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a gusher. I tend not to give really high praise or rave about things unless I really mean it. But, there are three exceptions about which I regularly gush and truly mean it. If you read this blog it's not hard to figure out what they are....Today, I want to write about one of them: my church.
I just finished a conversation with someone from church. She was checking in to see how I was doing. And she wanted to know how I was really doing, not just a "hope you're well" type message. We plan to get together next week. I have had several messages and phone calls from people from church. One of the pastors called to check in. The senior pastor's wife also called to check in. Even though 600 people attend the church, it has not lost its sense of community, not when we were gathering in person and not even now that everything is online. I find that impressive. 
The church has put a lot of content online. There are weekly sermons, but there are also daily devotional videos and weekly prayer calls, Bible studies and youth meetings. On Wednesday nights, the pastor has been teaching through one book of the Bible in an hour followed by some Q and A. It is easily one of the highlights of my week. I love getting an overview of different books of the Bible and getting a sense of where they fit into the grand timeline. But, what I love most of all are the frameworks that he has provided; they help to guide my verse by verse reading which in some of those OT books can get pretty bogged down. I love that when he finishes teaching I want to grab my Bible and read through the entire book he just covered because now I want to know all about it and not just the broad strokes. Isn't that what any good Bible teacher does? Inspires you to read and study for yourself?
During this weird season, we joined one of the church's house churches online. There are four couples in our group from my church who zoom together on Sunday mornings. I love the authenticity in the group. We chat, we pray, we do the liturgy, and we take communion. It's casual and sometimes a bit chaotic between technology issues and kids popping up, but it's real. And I love it.
The youth team has done a phenomenal job with keeping the youth connected. I don't think either of my boys have missed a single session. The youth leaders have tried different formats and different times, adapting all the time to what was working or not, and how the schedules of the kids were shaping up. Joonas' small group leader has made two socially distanced house calls to chat with Joonas, even bringing cookies! I am so impressed with the level of care and thought put into the church youth.
I am so grateful for my church. I hope and pray that we can go back to meeting in person soon. But in the meantime, I super appreciate all that the leadership and members are doing to keep us all connected. It makes me feel like I am part of a large, loving family, which is exactly what I think church should feel like.

National Best Friends day

Today was national best friends day and it was perfect! I met my best friend at Earl's for lunch. We ate and talked and laughed in a virtually empty restaurant. After that, we went for pedicures. We did have to sign contracts about COVID and wear masks the whole time, but it was worth the hassle. We both came out with pretty purple toe nails. Obviously coffee was in order next. I have missed my afternoon grande flat whites during the pandemic. Yes, it was a very small hardship, but I am very glad to be able to walk up to Starbucks and order an afternoon coffee, especially with my bff for company. We wandered the mall and shopped, coffees in hand. It felt so relaxed and normal, like for a few hours I could forget my troubles and just hang out with my best friend. Today filled me up and I am overflowing with gratitude for this friend of mine; she is a treasured gift from God.

Dining Out

I went out for lunch with my closest friend today and it was glorious. I had not dined in a restaurant for 11 weeks and the last time had been with her in mid March. I know there are some very heavy things going on in the world right now, and actually in my personal life as well. But, sitting in the restaurant having lunch like we used to was a little piece of "normal". We even went for coffee to Starbucks afterwards and it was like we were back having a marathon lunch date like we used to. 
Yes, there are a lot of really awful things happening right now and life feels unfair and uncertain. But, I think that is all the more reason to enjoy the little things, to find joy in the everyday. 

The Best Laid Plans

My best friend recently had a birthday. I am generally a planner, so I had had ideas about what to do and how to celebrate. I hadn't actually gotten as far as organizing anything, but I had been thinking about it. Then COVID hit. All the restaurants were closed for dine in and so were a lot of the other places that I had considered. So, I had to come up with plan B. It involved ordering in and hanging out at my house. Not ideal, but when pretty well everything is closed, there aren't a lot of options. So, at least I had a plan and everything was set. Then the morning of her birthday, the restaurant I had planned to order lunch from wasn't even taking orders. At all. I hate change and unexpected problems, especially when said problems come up the same day. So, we had to go to plan C, which was ordering from somewhere else. Our second choice restaurant was closed. So, we had to order from a third place. As we waited for the food, I was also awaiting the gift that I had ordered two weeks before, which had not arrived. Or, half of it had come, but the other half was still stuck somewhere in the mail. Later, I went to make a latte and it turned out we were out of milk. Needless to say that the day was not going as planned...
But, as I spent time with my friend, it turned out it didn't matter. Yes, I would have preferred Thai food. I would have preferred having her gift all ready instead of wrapping it up while she was already here (the package came). But, I got to spend time with my best friend. Quality time; six hours of it. After not having seen her for weeks during the pandemic, just sitting near her and chatting was lovely. We went for a walk and it was a beautiful sunny day. We had coffee and cake outside on the deck and it was perfect. I hope she felt loved and appreciated because in the end, that's all that matters. 

Snail Mail

I got a card in the mail today and it totally made my week! I have sent out quite a few cards and letters over the past weeks. I never sent them out expecting, or even hoping, for mail back. My only motive was to make someone's day by sending them real mail. Quite a few of the people I mailed were delighted and I received some lovely, appreciative texts and phone calls. And that was enough. 
But, Anja sent me a card. In the mail. I have known her my whole life. She actually knew my family back in Finland already. But, back in the day, she immigrated to Toronto and my family moved to Vancouver. So, I haven't seen her all that often. But she is such a lovely woman of God. I've blogged before about the strength of Finnish women, and she is no exception. But, she is also sweet and loving. I was SO happy to get mail from her. 

Day fifty three

Today was the best day I've had in eight weeks. Things are finally loosening up in BC and I could not be happier.

Day fortyseven

One of my friend's had a great post today about what is your colour? If you had to choose one colour to represent who you are, what would it be? I have a few very cerebral friends who would find the question itself ridiculous and unanswerable. Pentti would probably say he doesn't even understand what the question means. But I do. My colour is grey. If you know me at all, this does not come as a surprise to you. If you've been in my living room, for example, it is all shades of grey. I like the rain and gloomy days and fog and songs in the minor keys. One of my favourite authors of all time is Dostoevsky. I was just telling a friend yesterday about how I miss the old UBC Sedgewick (underground) library and the old book stacks at the (old) main library. Studying in those dark, gloomy libraries on a rainy day brought me joy. And that's the irony in all this. I love the dark, gloomy places and things, but they actually make me happy. I'm not sure that anyone would actually call me a dark and gloomy person, I just happen to like the melancholy found in those kinds of places. I rarely get depressed and I am actually fairly joyful. But to recharge my introverted soul, I need quiet, heavy places, not sunshine and butterflies and definitely not people. 
What's interesting to me is how other people (who don't know me well) perceive me. One friend calls me her "sunshine angel". This would be hilarious if she were being sarcastic, but she's not. She says seeing me brings sunshine and makes her happy. I bet she would guess that my colour is yellow, lol. Another friend would probably say my colour is black because she thinks I hate everyone. This is not so far from the truth, lol, but still not quite accurate either. She doesn't understand my critical nature or my need to examine things a little deeper. She thinks I'm negative and that's why I think she'd choose black. A third friend would probably say my colour is pink because I am "sweet and thoughtful". She actually calls me a sweetheart and says that I am so outgoing and friendly. She could not be more wrong.
Just to be clear, I don't hate sunshine or flowers or sweet delicate things. But in my core, what speaks to me is the grey.