Enough

Are you enough? Our self help narcissistic culture certainly seems to think so. You need to find peace and worth from within. You should tell yourself how wonderful and beautiful and worthy you are and then live accordingly. This works in the short term: I am enough, no one can make me feel less than. But what happens when the fuzzy feelings wear off? When you don't meet your own standards of what is good. When deep down, despite the positive self-talk, you actually think that you aren't enough. Should you just try harder? Reinforce your worthiness and think happy thoughts? Thinking you can somehow convince yourself you're enough if you try harder is actually part of the toxic self-help culture. Its all on you. You're failing at making yourself feel good about yourself, you're failing at feeling worthy. You should be stronger, more resilient, less impacted by what others think...blah blah blah...But you aren't enough, and you know it. Despite your very best efforts, you are not the person you wish you were. The good news is there is an answer and it doesn't come from looking within and squeezing more positivity out of yourself. 

The answer is God. He makes you enough, because in yourself, you actually are not capable of being enough. And without Jesus you never will be. This sounds like bad news, a spiral of shame and low self esteem waiting to happen. But, it's actually the exact opposite. It's not on you; the answer does not lie within yourself at all. You can stop trying so hard and pulling yourself up again and again by your bootstraps. You can stop beating yourself up for failing again, for being insecure again, for questioning your own worth again. The answer is not within, it is completely outside yourself. God. He loved you and knew you before the foundation of the Earth. Think about that. He is the Creator of the entire universe and He wants a relationship with you. And He wants that relationship despite knowing EVERYTHING about you. These may sound like Christian cliches, but when you really stop to think about them, they are profoundly true and beautiful. In Christ, you are enough and nothing you do will ever change that. 

"God gives you grace and you can't earn it

Don't think that you're not worth it

Because you are

He gave you His love and He's not leaving

Gave you His Son so you'd believe it

You're lovely even with your scars"

(from Don't Try So Hard by Amy Grant)

Laugh and celebrate and eat pizza

"Sometimes, celebrating, enjoying, and laughing seem almost inappropriate in a world as broken as ours. We look around and see panic on the faces of everyone we see. Tragedies become ordinary. How, in good conscience, can we laugh and celebrate and eat pizza? I believe we must celebrate-because our celebration is one the most effective weapons we have against the darkness of our day. It is taking the time to document the sweet memories, traditions, stories made together." Sally Clarkson

The last couple of months have been full of celebrations. Not elaborate parties or expensive trips or anything "grand", but celebrations nonetheless. I have gone to Hope three times, which is my happy place. The moment we turn off the highway, I breathe a little deeper. Two of those trips were with a friend and were the best therapy I could ever get. We did all the same things we always do, except we did a lot more walking along the beautiful tunnels and we binge watched The Chosen. I loved every second. The third trip was with my sister and her kids, Emmi and my mom. Granted, that trip was a little less relaxing than a girls weekend, but it was so great to chat with my sister and for Emmi to play with her cousins.

I have actually seen my extended family three times this summer. I didn't see most of them at all for over a year, which it turns out was long enough to miss them, lol. We had a get together at my brother's, one here for Emmi's birthday and one for my two nephews. They were casual and there was lots of food. But more importantly, it was just so nice to sit around and laugh and talk and catch up.

I have also caught up with some of my friends that I haven't seen very much, if at all, in the last year. The joy of laughing and talking and spending time together reminds me I am not alone and there are lots of good people in my life. I may have forgotten that all those times when I was sitting at home on my couch in the last year.

Because as it turns out, I've also had a lot of anxiety the last few months. I am not sure if it's always been there under the surface and COVID brought it to out, or if the events of the last year and a half have brought it on as something new. Either way, I have been anxious about a lot of things. And unfortunately, a pandemic allows for lots of extra time to reflect and sit around thinking. I also tend to be an overthinker and a pessimist; it is not hard for me to get caught in a spiral of negative thinking that is most unhelpful. So, there have been a lot of dark days. But there has also been a lot of soul searching about things I want to change and what really matters, so it's not a total wash.

And that brings me back to the opening quote. I have blogged previously about how I try to search for beauty and joy in every day. But, I am also making a deliberate effort to "laugh and celebrate and eat pizza" because it really does pull me out of the darkness. I have also gotten even more selective about who I spend time with. I have a limited amount of time and although there are lots of lovely people I would normally have coffee with, I just haven't had it in me to get together. Hopefully if things ever return to normal, I will catch up with those friends too. But for now, I am choosing to feed my soul and keep my circle very, very small.