I am not a hugger. Anyone who knows me knows that I require a lot of personal space. I have been known to cringe (subconsciously) when someone I don't know very well tries to hug me. I don't generally let people get close emotionally or physically. In the past I have been called cold and distant. And yet, I find myself changing. Is this growth? I don't know, but it sure is uncomfortable at times.
Being open with my feelings is new. A few friendships in the last few months have forced me way out of my comfort zone and it kind of freaks me out. One friend in particular has brought my soft squishy side out in full force. I have been very open with my thoughts and my feelings and in record time. Recently, when she made the word "hugger" on a word game she was playing, she screenshotted it to me because it reminded her of me. What?! ME?? She told me that she has never been hugged so much in her life (as she has by me). This is so weird and totally out of character. But I've started to wonder, is God calling me out of my comfort zone in order to love people? Most people have been hurt at some time or another. Lots of people are introverted. Some people find it hard to trust. And yet, God calls us to love and to be known for our love. It's hard to show that love from behind thick walls and barricades. Hmmm.
I find it interesting that I ended up teaching kindergarten this year. It was not really by choice, it sort of just fell into my lap. Or did it? I don't believe in luck or happenstance. If God is calling me out of my reserved introvertedness, then what better way than to put me in kindergarten? My students are hugging me and holding my hand and attached to my legs all the time. The other day, multiple students spontaneously blurted out "I love you". Kids don't really understand personal space and having them hang all over me is sort of a gentle way for me to make my personal space boundaries smaller.
Back to my friend. She actually doesn't believe me that I have personal space issues. It's like God has placed certain friends into my life that have made me act out of character. I have been so drawn to them that I can't help but hug them and love them and be anything but soft and mushy. Part of me thinks it's funny. The other part of me worries that I am going to get hurt because my usual defences are way down. Where are my walls at? But, if this is God, which I believe it is, then it must be for my best.
Friday, October 18, 2019
Thursday, October 17, 2019
Serene
The first time I met her, we were at a (boring) admin meeting at BSF. She was sitting next to me but I had no idea who she was. Me being me, I made a joke and no one laughed. Except Serene. You have to understand that BSF people are so serious and sincere. I often say things just to rock the boat or to add humour, but sometimes that can go over like a lead balloon. That day, the joke was not well-received and I groaned (inside). The meeting continued and from some other comments, I gleaned that Serene was not as serious as the others. I also figured out that she thought for herself rather than simply agreeing with everything. This is not necessarily a good thing at BSF, but it's definitely a positive in my world.
The next week, after the leader's meeting, I went up to Serene, put my arm around her and said, I think we need to be friends. If you know me at all, this is COMPLETELY out of character. It's usually kids not adults that go up to each other and ask to be friends. But, I felt like I needed to do it. There are 68 leaders at the Monday meetings and I feel like most of them don't get me at all. I really like a lot of the ladies, but the friendships are quite superficial; they don't actually KNOW me. To find someone who thinks critically and has a sense of humour and doesn't worship at the altar of BSF is unusual. To find someone who also understands me and my dark, sarcastic comments is even more unusual.
I saw Serene on Mondays and some Tuesdays when the recording of the lecture was still being fine tuned. I got to know her: in person and through text. I discovered her wicked sense of humour. She made me laugh. A lot. I didn't have to censor myself around her; I told her exactly what I thought. Even when I didn't tell her what I thought, she would ask, "oh what were your thoughts? Dark ones?" I couldn't stop laughing; only someone who knows me well would think to ask that.
And so despite the fact that I have only known her for a little over six weeks, I feel like I have always known Serene. Friends forever is such a cliche, but I can't imagine my life without her. We have gone for coffee and lunch and texted a lot. We seem to always have so much to talk about. I have hugged her more than any other friend possibly ever. I know we are similar in a lot of ways, and yet I can't quite explain this strong connection. But, I am sure that God put her in my life and perhaps that's all I need to know. At the end of the day, even if I make a list of all the reasons that I love Serene, does it fully explain why we're friends? We just are and will be forever, and that's a beautiful thing. I am so grateful.
The next week, after the leader's meeting, I went up to Serene, put my arm around her and said, I think we need to be friends. If you know me at all, this is COMPLETELY out of character. It's usually kids not adults that go up to each other and ask to be friends. But, I felt like I needed to do it. There are 68 leaders at the Monday meetings and I feel like most of them don't get me at all. I really like a lot of the ladies, but the friendships are quite superficial; they don't actually KNOW me. To find someone who thinks critically and has a sense of humour and doesn't worship at the altar of BSF is unusual. To find someone who also understands me and my dark, sarcastic comments is even more unusual.
I saw Serene on Mondays and some Tuesdays when the recording of the lecture was still being fine tuned. I got to know her: in person and through text. I discovered her wicked sense of humour. She made me laugh. A lot. I didn't have to censor myself around her; I told her exactly what I thought. Even when I didn't tell her what I thought, she would ask, "oh what were your thoughts? Dark ones?" I couldn't stop laughing; only someone who knows me well would think to ask that.
And so despite the fact that I have only known her for a little over six weeks, I feel like I have always known Serene. Friends forever is such a cliche, but I can't imagine my life without her. We have gone for coffee and lunch and texted a lot. We seem to always have so much to talk about. I have hugged her more than any other friend possibly ever. I know we are similar in a lot of ways, and yet I can't quite explain this strong connection. But, I am sure that God put her in my life and perhaps that's all I need to know. At the end of the day, even if I make a list of all the reasons that I love Serene, does it fully explain why we're friends? We just are and will be forever, and that's a beautiful thing. I am so grateful.
Thursday, October 3, 2019
Weekend In Hope
I spent last weekend in Hope with five girlfriends and we had the most amazing time. We ate, we talked, we sang, we played cards, we danced and we relaxed. We drove up in three cars and met at the Earl's in Chilliwack on Friday night for dinner. Apparently Elaine had been quiet and calm until I showed up. I find that hard to believe, but then again, I've never seen what she's like without me around, lol. After a great dinner, we headed to the cabin in Hope. We got settled in, decided on rooming arrangements and had some snacks. No one could bear to go to bed, so even the morning people stayed up fairly late.
I roomed with Lois. I've blogged about her before and how similar we are. It was a little creepy at times when we would have the exact same thought or reaction to something, lol. On Friday night after we'd all stayed up chatting, Lois and I were the last to go to bed at 12:30am. We were, however, still wide awake, so we proceeded to talk until 3am, lol. The next morning, we were also the last to get up. She is also like me in that once awake, she doesn't jump out of bed ready for the day. Instead, we would chat in our room even though we could hear the others downstairs. It was nice to have that time with just her since the rest of the time was filled with so much music and laughter and singing and joking. On Saturday night we were a little better and went to sleep at 2am, lol. Girls weekends are hardly the time to catch up on one's beauty sleep anyway, right?!
Elaine was definitely the wildest of the bunch. As soon as I put music on, she would start grooving; she couldn't help herself. But she also shared some painful stuff from her past which surprised me. There were some heavy conversations amid all the fun. Debra was perhaps the most touched by the weekend. She shared that she doesn't really have girlfriends and that she leads a very quiet life. This weekend was SUPER noisy and she loved it. She said afterward that now she knew what inclusion felt like. Winnie I've known the longest and we went in the sauna together and laughed a lot. She is so much fun! Her and I also drove together so we had time to chat, just the two of us. We even went for sushi on our trip home because clearly we weren't sick of each other yet. Marj could only stay for one night, but drove out by herself because she couldn't bear to miss the fun. She had made lasagna for our Saturday lunch and we had a lovely luncheon before she had to get going. Lois was funny and wise. She has had some hard stuff to deal with lately and I think (I know) this weekend was a great distraction and an opportunity to get away.
We had a lot of fun, but we also had a lot of deep discussions. We sang hymns. We read. We played games. I was completely myself and I am pretty sure that everyone else was too. That's so amazing and rare. Some went for walks and some went to sauna. Some woke up early and some slept in. Some drank wine and some didn't. I think everyone felt free to do as they pleased. There was no drama, no hurt feelings, no tension of any kind. I loved it. I've said it before, but these ladies are my tribe. I am never letting them go.
I roomed with Lois. I've blogged about her before and how similar we are. It was a little creepy at times when we would have the exact same thought or reaction to something, lol. On Friday night after we'd all stayed up chatting, Lois and I were the last to go to bed at 12:30am. We were, however, still wide awake, so we proceeded to talk until 3am, lol. The next morning, we were also the last to get up. She is also like me in that once awake, she doesn't jump out of bed ready for the day. Instead, we would chat in our room even though we could hear the others downstairs. It was nice to have that time with just her since the rest of the time was filled with so much music and laughter and singing and joking. On Saturday night we were a little better and went to sleep at 2am, lol. Girls weekends are hardly the time to catch up on one's beauty sleep anyway, right?!
Elaine was definitely the wildest of the bunch. As soon as I put music on, she would start grooving; she couldn't help herself. But she also shared some painful stuff from her past which surprised me. There were some heavy conversations amid all the fun. Debra was perhaps the most touched by the weekend. She shared that she doesn't really have girlfriends and that she leads a very quiet life. This weekend was SUPER noisy and she loved it. She said afterward that now she knew what inclusion felt like. Winnie I've known the longest and we went in the sauna together and laughed a lot. She is so much fun! Her and I also drove together so we had time to chat, just the two of us. We even went for sushi on our trip home because clearly we weren't sick of each other yet. Marj could only stay for one night, but drove out by herself because she couldn't bear to miss the fun. She had made lasagna for our Saturday lunch and we had a lovely luncheon before she had to get going. Lois was funny and wise. She has had some hard stuff to deal with lately and I think (I know) this weekend was a great distraction and an opportunity to get away.
We had a lot of fun, but we also had a lot of deep discussions. We sang hymns. We read. We played games. I was completely myself and I am pretty sure that everyone else was too. That's so amazing and rare. Some went for walks and some went to sauna. Some woke up early and some slept in. Some drank wine and some didn't. I think everyone felt free to do as they pleased. There was no drama, no hurt feelings, no tension of any kind. I loved it. I've said it before, but these ladies are my tribe. I am never letting them go.
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