I have had three friendships in my life where it has been really obvious that we are close and it has been equally obvious that it has created jealousy and discomfort in those around me. In high school, I became friends with Mehj. There was a lot of drama involved, not in the friendship itself, but in the reaction from others. We started to spend more time together just the two of us, than we did with the big group. This did not go over well. Even my English teacher was confounded by the friendship and I remember him commenting that it "couldn't last"; apparently we were too different. Why did he have an opinion on a friendship between two high school girls? Why did it make him and my girlfriends uncomfortable?
Two other close friendships in my life have caused similar reactions. Snide, sarcastic or even critical comments have come from unexpected people, people I wouldn't even have thought to have noticed me. People seem determined to figure out the why, how did THOSE two get so close? But if we're honest, I think it is closely related to the question: "why did that friendship not form with ME?". Because while we want close friendships, we aren't comfortable watching those friendships form around us. When one friendship seems to move beyond the others, to form a special deeper bond, it makes us uncomfortable. We feel left behind, excluded somehow. Why did things have to change; we liked things the way they were. We are simultaneously jealous and uncomfortable. We crave intimacy and at the same time eschew it as weird and unhealthy when we observe it in others. We start to wonder whether they're glued at the hip. What could they possibly talk about? What could they see in each other that's so great? We want to understand the how and the why and therein lies the problem. We can't know. Like I said at the beginning, it's a mystery. And it can even be a mystery to those within the friendship. Sure, you can list qualities of your friend that make you love her, but at the end of the day, it's not about the list and the why can't be fully explained.
I don't have any answers. What I do know, however, is that when you find people who could potentially be part of your tribe, you need to make the effort. Even if you feel like you're the only one. Even if you feel like you're way more invested than the other person. You keep at it because friends matter; you need them. And you never know when one of those friends who you thought was more of an aquaintance could turn into a forever friend.
I don't have any answers. What I do know, however, is that when you find people who could potentially be part of your tribe, you need to make the effort. Even if you feel like you're the only one. Even if you feel like you're way more invested than the other person. You keep at it because friends matter; you need them. And you never know when one of those friends who you thought was more of an aquaintance could turn into a forever friend.
