Do you believe God is good and trustworthy? What if your life goes sideways? Does that somehow change who God is? Bad things happen to good people all the time. Should I use my circumstances to decide what God is like? Or should I use my understanding of God to help me through my circumstances? Last year when my dad had cancer, the thing that carried me through was my absolute faith that God is good and He is sovereign. There were some very dark days and I was often less than joyful. But, deep down, I knew God loved me and He was in control. I have blogged previously about all the clear ways that we saw the hand of God in a lot of what happened during my dad's illness.
Well, I'm in the same trial again. Sort of. Pentti got diagnosed with cancer a few months ago. The same cancer my dad died from. Now what? Do I rail against a God who would allow this again? Do I complain about how unfair life is? God would certainly understand. But, would that help me? Anger and frustration can be cathartic sometimes, but I don’t find them ultimately helpful. Or hopeful. So, instead I go back to who I know God is and I review again how His hand was so clearly evident in all the events surrounding my dad’s illness. As the song lyric goes, "there's just too much proof in my life".
I was so encouraged by an online devotion from my church from the book of James. James is all about how trials produce perseverance. The speaker was talking about how when you go through a trial, it reveals where you have faith and where you don't. Through the trial, your faith (hopefully) grows. The next time you are hit with a trial, maybe even the very same kind of trial, you notice that your faith is stronger than it was last time and you have less fear. Fear is all about the what if, but faith is about even if. Whatever happens, God is good and loving.
So, I choose to see this second trial as an opportunity to see how I’ve changed. I notice that I am stronger and my faith in God is even more unshakeable. No, I'm not perfect and I have had moments of crying and despair to my best friend. But, I am hopeful. And more importantly, I know who to turn to. Even though my father died, I turn to God even more trustingly than before. This may seem strange and perhaps even illogical and crazy to some. But, knowing and trusting God means nothing happens without His knowledge. I am not left wondering whether He missed the fact that cancer was developing inside Pentti. It did not somehow escape His knowledge that I just finished the cancer trial of a loved one seven months ago. He is in control. Whatever happens, He loves me and He is sovereign. That is all I need to know to carry me through. Even when I'm afraid.
